Ask TheFifthFuller is BAK

The mailbag that discusses almost everything except for the Virginia Tech-Miami matchup.

[Mark Umansky]

Hello. Well, I answered a bunch of questions last week. Then you idiots asked more. So the reason this exists again is YOUR FAULT. One brief programming note: I was asked to write a "Foe"Rensics for Ball State, but it was edited out of existence as it was deemed to violate the very decency of the internet.

1. From NitWhitt: Is a hot dog a sandwich?

A. Awesome, I'm going to piss off half the internet with my first answer. GREAT QUESTION.

In its basic incarnation, no. It's a hot dog. There are a lot of technicalities we can get into here; is a gyro a sandwich? A stuffed pita? A taco or burrito? All things with bread wrapped around a filling. I do like the point that someone made that orientation matters; a sandwich should be a vertical stack (so a stuffed pita qualifies), not a wrapping (sorry burritos and soft tacos), not a horizontal hug (which would disqualify a gyro, hard taco, and, sadly, a hot dog). However, there's a solution.

I present the HOT DOG SANDWICH. Slice that sonovagun in a half down the middle and slap it on some bread. I'm a problem solver, folks

2. Koastal Kings with a deep thinker, You can take one player from each of the teams we lost to and add them to our roster. Who do you choose?

A. Lol, can I just take all of them? Sigh, let's go through this.

ODU - Oshane Ximines because I have dreams of a defensive line in Blacksburg.
Notre Dame - Almost said guard Alex Bars, but the defensive line still needs help, so I'm going with DT Jerry Tillery.
Georgia Tech - Tobias Oliver, only so I can bury him on the depth chart and he can never hurt anyone again.
Boston College - Guard Chris Lindstrom because a running game, at some point, ever, would be nice.
Pitt - Fullback George Aston because I cannot imagine the fear in a linebacker's eye when they've got this hoss lead blocking for Steven Peoples.

If you're sensing a theme that I believe the current state of the Virginia Tech defensive line is comparable to an English division after Ypres and that I remain unimpressed with the Hokies' run blocking, then you are an astute reader.

3. SteffHokie asks: Most random VT football and basketball player you can think of

A. Eddie Lucas and Josh Hyman. Lucas, because he was the only good basketball player there while I was and Hyman because I sort of fell in love with him during that USC game and secretly favored him over Eddie Royal, Josh Morgan and Justin Harper his entire career even if all of them may have turned out to be better.

4. HomebrewHokie08 asks: What is worse, naming your team after a thing that destroys your campus every time it comes to town or naming your team after a thing you eat during your football contests?

A. I've got a GREAT idea, let's pick something that causes billions of dollars worth of damage every year, particularly in the area that we live in. It's something that is particularly devastating late summer to late fall. We should CELEBRATE that and honor it by naming ourselves after that thing. That's stupid.

On the other hand, obviously Hokies are the Highlander, and become stronger by taking the strength of other turkeys by eating their legs. That's why they get stronger and better every yea...sorry, I couldn't finish that with a straight face.

5. GUNTAR doing some photographic snooping, wants to know: When are they finally going to air the TRUE "Fuller House"?
And where are you in this photo?

A. So, what's messed up is I'm inside during this photo; they asked Vinnie to change into some less garish pants so he asked me to go inside to get his zubaz. They took tons of photos, and managed to pick one where I'm inside?

Also, I'd like to point out that if you didn't already know there was an age gap between Vinnie and Corey and Kyle, you could very easily tell by their hat brims.

As to The REAL Fuller House, my understanding is they were trying to get all the brothers in the same city first. There is also a bidding war between HBO, ESPN and all the networks for the rights to air it.

6. Rayo embracing the true spirit of fanhood: What coach and what team besides UVA do you hate the most? Football and basketball

A. Football coach is easy, it's definitely Chinballs Johnson and his cut blocking. For football team, part of me wants to say East Carolina or Boston College, because I'm sick of Tech playing them. And part of me wants to say Florida State, West Virginia or North Carolina, but recent wins in each of these make them more palatable. And there is a significant part of me that wants to say Georgia Tech, but I realize that's just my Chinballs focused anger, and I've got to be like Robert the Bruce.

I'm going old school with my historical grudge against Syracuse, who the Hokies cannot seem to beat EVER unless it's 62-0. First, the Donovan McNabb game in the Dome. Then the 42-50 triple overtime game. Then the Big East to ACC saltiness. Then Tech ends up bringing them to the ACC anyway, and it's like your new coworkers threw a reunion with folks from your old job but you never really liked any of those dicks anyway. Then whatever the hell happened in 2016.

For basketball team, that's easy, Duke. From all their annoying little try-hard white guards to Kryzlesfheaklski stroking every ACC ref until his team gets FIFTY free throws in a game, they are the worst.

For basketball coach, it's Roy Williams. I was a UNC basketball fan growing up, and I love Dean Smith. I feel like Roy took everything he learned from Dean Smith and decided "I want to emulate THAT, but like a whiny bitch."

7. McHokie540 would like me to: Compare this years team to one item on the menu at Dietrick

A. Oh, good one. I'm going to use Schultz instead (RIP) because every now and again they'd put out corn dog nuggets and I would get unreasonably excited. They were SO GOOD! Just go ahead and give me a double serving! I LOVE these things, I could eat these for every single meal. Man, this first one is possibly the greatest thing I have ever eaten in my LIFE. This second one is pretty good, too, I am in fried, corn battered HEAVEN. This third one...I dunno, maybe this was a bad one, I'm still psyched to eat ALL OF THESE. FOR DAYZ. Number four, down the hatch. Why was I so excited about these? I mean, they're alright, but maybe I should've gotten my regular fish filet sandwich instead. Number five...why the hell did I order these? This is the possibly the worst thing I've ever eaten. I'm never buying these stupid nuggets again, my entire day has been ruined. This is terrible. Oh my god, I've still got three more to go. I don't even know if I can grit my teeth and push through this.

/Three weeks later, aka next season

CORN DOG NUGGETS ARE BAK! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

8. From lilf1ip: Best place to set up for a zombie apocalypse and why?

A. First, you gotta head out west to a more sparsely populated area. Virginia is gonna get overrun in no time, particularly NOVA. Second, you need a fresh water source and some kind of physical protection. I don't know if zombies can swim, but I'm thinking an island on a freshwater lake somewhere in Wyoming or Montana would be ideal. It's gotta be far away enough from shore that they can't easily get there, but close enough that I don't need a powerboat to get back and forth. Also, lots of fish available to sustain me. I need easy access to lumber, the ability to grow crops during an admittedly short summer, and I can go off-island to hunt game. I found it; Wild Horse Island in Flathead Lake, Montana.

9. FlippinHokie is bringing the troll game: Should my boyfriend bring a UMBC shirt as a dirty Santa gift for his first Christmas with my family where 40% of the grandkids graduated from UVA?

A. HARD yes. Do you know the worst thing ever? When I bet my FSU coworker on the outcome of the 2008 game. He showed up on Monday with a FSU lanyard with hearts all over it that I was forced to wear for the entire week. I was in a meeting with my boss who stopped mid-sentence, staring at it, then looked at me, confused, and said "But you didn't go to Florida State? Didn't you go to...wait, what happened?" This was one example. I had that conversation multiple times that week. Now, I'm not saying you could force someone to wear that UMBC shirt, but that shade is the best kind. Memorialized in clothing. Also, if they try to burn the shirt in effigy, like I may or may not have done after the ACC Championship in 2010, it's not VT gear they're burning!

One factor to consider before the purchase; if the worst should come to pass on Black Friday, you may want to avoid provoking a LOLUVA fan who may ignore the last fourteen years and will crow over a single win at length. However, as a friend of mine who used to GA for the Hokies said, if LOLUVA can't beat Tech this year, they won't beat Tech for a hundred years.

10. Sergeant Dan387 of the Grammar Police has arrived: Why do people say an alarm is going off if it is actually turning on?

A. I feel like this all derives from bombs going off, and an alarm is like a tiny explosion of sadness in your brain taking you away from the sweet embrace of sleep.

11. Short and to the point from SteffHokie: Top 5 movies

A. I'm no intellectual film auteur, so I'm going to approach this from the criteria of If I'm flipping through the channels and I see a movie on, what is the likelihood I'm going to stop and watch the rest of the movie, no matter how far into it.

Once Upon a Time in the West - Sergio Leone without the Man With No Name, BUT with Charles Bronson, The Ugly (Charles Robards), an EVIL HENRY FONDA and a hot Italian chick that I've never seen anywhere else.
Shaun of the Dead - How's THAT for a slice of fried gold?
Scott Pilgrim vs the World - This has stupid, comic-book level fight scenes with the dork from Juno. And they're GOOD.
Spider-man: Homecoming - So this one hasn't stood the test of time, but Tom Holland plays the best superhero ever perfectly, and I will say definitively that the car ride to the dance is the greatest scene in the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. PROVE ME WRONG.
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - This is the greatest movie of all time. Fight me.

12. senjohnblutarsky asking trick questions: Why did anyone think Dane Cook was funny?

A. No one did, this is a ridiculous claim.

13. SCHokie2011 trying to incite some intra-TKP strife Which of French's non football related opinions is the worst and why is it his disdain of cheese?

A. Without cheese, you have no nachos. No Ham and Swiss sandwiches. No pizza. No cheeseburgers. No parmesan to sprinkle on your spaghetti and meatballs. No cheese to sprinkle on top of your chili baked potato. No queso to splash on your enchiladas verdes. Who the hell doesn't like all those things?

14. It's a Stroman Jersey I swear asks: Which is the better VT sports mantra? Fuente's Going 1-0 this week or Buzz's #GetBetter?

A. #GetBetter. A, because it actually seems to be working. B, because you aren't going to win every week, but you can frequently learn more from a loss than a win, and therefore still #GetBetter. For example, last Saturday we learned Virginia Tech should probably just disband the football program.

15. QUESTION OF THE WEEK: What three items would you buy at Walmart if the single, overarching goal of the transaction was to creep out the cashier?

A. Why gobble gobble chumps asks such good questions, I will never know.

A giant tub of vaseline, duct tape and Fruity Pebbles.

Comments


For basketball team, that's easy, Duke. From all their annoying little try-hard white guards to Kryzlesfheaklski stroking every ACC ref until his team gets FIFTY free throws in a game, they are the worst.

AMEN. Keep preaching the good word Fifth.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

Here here

21st century QBs Undefeated vs UVA:
MV7, MV5, LT3, Josh Jackson, Jerod Evans, Michael Brewer, Tyrod Taylor, Sean Glennon, and Grant Noel. That's right, UVA. You couldn't beat Grant Noel.

For basketball coach, it's Roy Williams. I was a UNC basketball fan growing up, and I love Dean Smith. I feel like Roy took everything he learned from Dean Smith and decided "I want to emulate THAT, but like a whiny bitch."

Yeeeeeeeeeeees I'm glad someone else sees Roy on the sideline looking like someone stole his candy and he's telling his mom

Corndog nuggets at DX saves lives. Best food item on campus.

Gobble Till You Wobble

Why gobble gobble chumps asks such good questions, I will never know.

"Why gobble gobble chumps asks such good questions, I will never know." - TheFifthFuller

I feel like I should mention that it's 40% of the grandkids that currently have a 4 year degree. 60% of those grandkids have a degree from Tech. But if I'm counting all of the grandkids, even the ones still in high school, that percentage drops to 22% UVA, and 33% Tech.

I had considered what we should do if the unthinkable happens next Friday, but really, it has to happen eventually and will eventually be forgotten. 3/16/18, the day #1 UVA lost to #16 UMBC will NEVER be forgotten.

I say you ramp it up a notch. Not only bring UMBC gear, but surreptitiously open each gift and replace it with said UMBC gear so EVERYBODY gets it and no one can give it away without getting yet another piece of gear. Yes this is a lot more expensive, but surely must be worth it, right?

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

I got two questions posted on this. Do I win something? But seriously, THANK YOU for saying Tom Holland played the best spider man, TOBY MCGUIRE SUCKS

I don't like those things. I focus on:
Pot Roast
Steak
Chicken and Dumplings
Chicken Pot Pie
Hamburger Steak with Cream of Mushroom gravy
Stewed Tomatoes and Macaroni
Brown Sugar Pie
Fried Pork Chops
Pit Beef Sandwiches
Baked Potatoes with just butter. That is all. Butter.
Toast, because Jesuits hate toast.
Yeast Rolls
Beef Stew
Venison tenderloin
Lobster rolls
New England Clam Chowder

Five star get after it 100 percent Juice Key-Playing. MAN