A Virginia Tech Fan's Guide to Surviving Miami

Congratulations!

If you're reading this, you're already preparing your mind, body and soul for whatever horrid things are going to happen to your favorite football team this Friday. And you know what they say, preparing for annihilation may not prevent it, but it might make it feel slightly less bad.

As the Virginia Tech football team heads down to Miami after a disappointing 2-2 non-conference record, I can't make you feel better about what's waiting for the Hokies down in Coral Gables. The Hurricanes are a legitimate top-10 team (for real, this time) with a QB who lives up to every bit of hype surrounding him (no...for real this time) and a roster that actually might be too talented to beef it (no, no, no, no I get it, but like...actually this one is legit).

Miami has punted four times in four games. They're third in points per game (52.3), despite not playing a cupcake schedule — say what you will about Florida but last I checked they haven't been asked to go to the Sun Belt yet. Cam Ward is the second highest graded passer per PFF. They have more 10 and 20 yard completions than anyone else (read: efficient) and are tied for first in passing touchdowns.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, they must be one dimensional! No team can put up numbers like that and also play well on defense!

Lol nah dawg.

The Canes lead the country in sacks (16), have the second most interceptions (8) and are PFF's third best rated defense. I hate to break it to you, but this could get dark, quick. Because if you just skimmed the last few paragraphs — or are illiterate to positive football statistics — let me frame another way: you know all that stuff we thought Tech would be good at this year, but aren't?

Miami actually has all of it.

So, knowing all of this going in, how are you going to survive watching three hours of commercial-filled football? Here's a step-by-step guide to get through it.

Step One: Immediately Disassociate

Before you click over on your ESPNYouTubeTubiFubuHuluLolThisTOTALLYIsn'tACableBundle!!, void any and all emotional attachment that you've had to Virginia Tech in the past. For the next three hours the past is over, kill it if you must. It's like when you see the sick, three legged puppy at the SPCA. Sure, you've had and loved dogs, but you already know how this thing's going to end and any emotional attachment will just make it worse.

Do whatever you have to do to go into the void. For me, it's remembering that Mario Cristobal has signed more four- and five-star prospects (portal and high school) in his three seasons (40) than the Hokies have signed in the last decade (39).