Dad Jokes July 2021

Old Thread was getting kind of big with a lot of gifs. Do you guys want to keep doing this?

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Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I enjoy this thread. Keep going!

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

I resemble that remark!

Go Hokies

No, but I'm not sure it's worth the effort to stop doing it.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

2021 Season Challenge: only comment with Batman memes.

Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020)

Every time I see that actor on the right, I think "Gerald Ford", a walking Dad joke, if I ever saw one (even though I consider myself of the same party).

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic.

Why doesn't everyone say I'm fantastic when I drink Fanta?

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

This definitely does not merit it's own thread, and this seems to be the closest existing fit.

Eshiben, is this your doing??

You should have heard the various WDW cast members having the time of their lives with the puns over the weekend. It was glorious.

2021 Season Challenge: only comment with Batman memes.

Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020)

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

How much does a pirate charge for corn?

A buccaneer (buck an ear).

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

You guys hear that Norway has started putting barcodes on all their naval ships?

Yup, they do it so that when they are in port they can...

...

...

...
Scandinavian

Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Money belts are a waist of money.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin

"Give me a fuΒ’king beer", Anonymous Genius

I collect all cell phones and ipads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night, those little terrorists set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I'm impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They're all grounded.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
I finally bought the Limited Edition Thesaurus I've always wanted. When I opened it, all 1200 pages were blank! I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Silly Putty implies the existence of Serious Putty.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I'm pretty sure you lifted these words from a newspaper.

2021 Season Challenge: only comment with Batman memes.

Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020)

I steal all my jokes from somewhere; but usually not a newspaper. (I know you meant that silly putty can be used to copy the comics.)

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Every (good) dad joke was stolen from somewhere.

HTHokie93

Okay, but Happy Putty would have lifted your spirits.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Q: How much does a dead battery cost?

A: Just take it, it's no charge.

Men are like Government Bonds... They take too long to mature.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
.
.
Answer: He felt his presents.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Said the wicked witch just before the home landed on her: Screw you, Dorothy, and the house you rode in on."

From the Laughs and Groans app:
If two vegans are having an argument, is it still called a beef?

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I told my doctor I'd rather do my stitches myself.

He said: Suture self.

HTHokie93

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it,

but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

HTHokie93

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

haha...this one took me a sec

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

have to "fez" up... it took me a second too!

Go Hokies

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea

HTHokie93

Dentists always ask stupid questions like, "when was the last time you flossed?"

I was like, "Doc, you were there!"

HTHokie93

A furniture salesman said that the sofa we were looking at would seat 5 people without any problems.

I asked him, "Where the heck am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

HTHokie93

A fellow is getting suspicious that his wife is cheating on him. He's sitting in the local bar, having a drink and stewing about it, when one of his old friends that he hasn't seen in a while comes in.
"Henry!"
"Artie!"
They catch up for a while.
Artie senses that something's bothering Henry, and asks him about it.
Henry explains his suspicions, "She's gone a lot for no reason. When she gets back, she'll have groceries or something, but who takes three hours at the grocery store? If I find out she's been cheating, I'm just going to kill her. And him."
Artie says, "Whoa there, buddy. You won't get away with anything like that. The husband is the first one they suspect. I might be able to help you out, though. While I've been away, I've kind of been doing stuff like that for a living."
"You're a hitman?"
"Yeah, I guess. I sort of fell into the work, and it doesn't bother me, so I guess I'm what you would call a hitman."
"You would really be doing me a favor. She goes to Safeway every Friday morning. If she meets a guy there, I want you to kill them both."
"Yeah, listen. I can do this for you as an old friend, but there's sort of a professional code. You have to pay me. Just a token amount."
"Will a dollar work?"
"Sure, give me a dollar."
"How will you do it?"
"You're the boss, how do you want it?"
"I want it to be slow. Strangle them."
The next Friday, Artie follows Henry's wife to Safeway. He sees her meet her lover. He sneaks up on them as they embrace beside her car and loops garrotes around both of their necks.
Unfortunately for Artie, his crime is seen, and the police are called. Artie gets arrested, but not before both of his victims are dead.
The headline in the paper the next day read, "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway"

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

A family of vultures is sitting down to eat dinner after a long day. In the middle of a discussion about his day at work, the dad looks over at his son, who's getting in the bad habit of eating around all of his rotting meat and just picking out the vegetables.

"Son, why don't you save the vegetables for last- the meat is more nourishing."

The son nods and starts working on his wad of flesh. Sometimes he needs to be reminded is all, it seems.

The next week, the vulture family celebrates a birthday. They go to the fancy place in town, order the stinkiest aged Buffalo on the menu.

Half way through dinner, the father sees that his son has ignored the expensive meat completely, and he's only eating his vegetables again.

Not wanting to make a scene, the father slowly places his wing over the greens on his sons plate. When the son looks up at him, the father says to him- "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."

(From a former co-worker):

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Have you heard about the new movie "Constipation"? Probably not since it isn't out yet.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Did you know Bruce Lee had a cousin who was vegetarian?

His name was Broccoli.

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?',the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A Barberque.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What's a really bad thing to take to the beach?

A dog named shark.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

How do bulls drive cars?

They steer them.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What did the 0 say to the 8?
.
.
"Nice belt."

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
I would like to start my diet but I have too much on my plate right now.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

As kid growing up I had a serious drug problem. My mom drug me to the grocery store, the department store, the mall. . .

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Wine glasses? What a waste of space. If you insist on not drinking straight from the bottle, straws are so much more compact!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Reposting an old favorite:

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;

There are no canaries there, either!

HTHokie93

"I love to fill my tub with water, turn the shower on, and pretend I'm in a Submarine that's been hit" Steven Wright

HTHokie93

From the Laughs and Groans app:
A recent survey revealed that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Did you know that Hawaii has a new law where you can be arrested for laughing too loudly in public?

Now all you can get away with is a low ha.

I'm here for the memes, I just stay for the football.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
,
,
Answer: One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What is the opposite of ladyfingers?

Mentos.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 52,547 trees. I know because I kept a log.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel...

If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans app:
I recently ordered a reversible jacket for the upcoming football season. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Men are like Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

(I know it's a girl's joke; but I send these jokes to my daughters.)

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What do you call a girl between two posts?
,
,
Answer: Annette

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam