Hello. Last week I did an introduction to the World Cup for you, and this week I'll look at a bunch more teams that will be participating in the tournament next month. To start with, however, some concerned readers have sent in questions that I've answered below. If you have anything you'd like to see addressed in the next installment, please leave a comment below and I'd be happy to make up an answer.
1. In your previous column, you failed to explain if it's legal to tackle people in soccer.
A. Great question! Indeed, it is, but not how you think. "Tackling" in soccer generally means kicking the ball away from the offensive player, although sometimes the players will collide and one or both of them will writhe around on the ground like they were shot in the ankle/knee cap/face. Don't worry, a trainer will come running out, spray some magical spray onto the affected body part and they will be as good as new in no time.
2. So you can't tackle with your hands?
A. Not unless you're Bullet Tooth Tony.
Oh yeah, and he's Welsh. Don't mess with Welshmen.
3. So do they wear helmets or pads?
A. The only protective equipment they wear are tiny little pieces of plastic over their shins. Not infrequently, two guys will try to head the same ball and smack skulls and, again, they will likely react as if they were attacked with a sledgehammer, but don't fear. They'll be back up in no time!
Sometimes they wear face masks and pretend to be superheros, but their teammates just laugh at them. But everyone laughs at Fernando Torres.
4. I'm concerned, since there are many countries that did not make the World Cup and I'm pretty sure there are more than 32 college football teams that you won't cover Country X or College Y.
A. If you have special requests for colleges or countries, leave them in the comments and I'll be happy to apply my infinite knowledge to them.
Without further ado, let's get to the team previews! Here's Group G, home of...
Team America (F*#K YEAH)
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Virginia Tech. Oh c'mon, if you didn't see this coming, I don't know what to tell you. I was going to save this one for the end but too many of my follow on analogies rely on establishing that the "Yanks" are the Hokies of international soccer.
For starters, the US was an afterthought in international soccer until a sudden rise to regional dominance and larger respectability in the 1990s. Remind you of anyone? They are also regarded as one of the best teams to have never won a World Cup, much like your beloved Hokies1 and the national championship.
In addition, the US is known for producing world class athletes at the back of the defense. Much like VT is #DBU, the US has produced a string of amazing goalkeepers, two of which start in the English Premier League. But there is a history at the position, from Tony Meola to Kasey Keller to Brad Friedel to today's generation, Tim Howard and Brad Guzan. Not unlike our history of Torrian Gray, through Pierson Prioleau, Keion Carpenter, the Fullers, Brandon Flowers, etc.
Finally, and this may ruffle some feathers, but Landon Donovan is an amazingly good proxy for Logan Thomas. Donovan has been the most talented player on the US team pretty much the entire time he's been there, carrying them at times while surrounded by much less talented players. Yet vocal portions of the fan base give him unrelenting grief (though generally for different reasons than why Logan Thomas gets grief). He is perhaps the most underappreciated player of this generation.
For the cherry on top, the general reaction to Donovan getting cut from the World Cup squad mirrors how Hokies react to Logan Thomas graduating. There is a vocal portion of the fan base saying "Good Riddance" while the (hopefully) larger part understands and appreciates the contributions Donovan has made, worries about the fact that he won't be there while recognizing that serving youth in this campaign will (also hopefully) pay dividends down the road.
FIFA Ranking: 14. That seems like where the Hokies are always ranked, too.
Official Bus Slogan: United by team, driven by passion
This...this seems off. Did this get thrown off in Google Translate? It was written in ENGLISH? On PURPOSE? Well. Are you sure somebody didn't accidentally write down the new Chevrolet slogan?
What's the skinny? Klinsmann has done a semi roster reset, bringing only five players who have played in the World Cup previously. While certain prospects like John Anthony Brooks and Julian Green have Americans salivating for the future, don't expect to see much of them this time around and if you do, get some antacids. We've got a potential world class striker in Jozy Altidore who has only scored a single league goal all season. A young defense that has shown promise but may not have fully gelled yet and doesn't have Bud Foster nor any Fullers to help them. They've also got some attacking talent to help out Altidore in Aron Johannsson and Clint Dempsey if he pays attention all game and doesn't cup check anyone.
Seriously, what is it with soccer players and nuts?
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Michael Bradley. He was first given a shot when his dad was head coach, which did not sit well with many fans. But he's continued to play under Jurgen Klinsmann, mostly because he's the best all-around player we've got now (yes, he's surpassed Donovan). He doesn't have the flashy dribbling or beautiful goals that Donovan has (though he can score), but his positioning, passing and defense are unparalleled. Watching him play can help you appreciate the little things in the game, much like French loves watching pulling offensive lineman.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: Not so good. Every World Cup has a "Group of Death" and yep, the US is square in the middle of it.
Will Most Likely: We can hold out hope to sneak into second in the group to advance, but third or even fourth are much more likely. Germany is a title contender, Portugal has one of the three best players in the world and Ghana. Fucking Ghana.
Ghana
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Pittsburgh. You know that team that ain't so great but they somehow keep popping up and beating the Hokies despite all logical reason? Yeah, that's fucking Ghana2. This is only the third World Cup that Ghana has ever qualified for (and the third straight), however, they have managed to knock the US out of the last two times out, meaning EVERY TIME Ghana has gone to the World Cup, they have sent the US home. And we get to play them first this year. Fucking Ghana.
FIFA Ranking: 38. Much like Pitt prefers to be unranked when they beat us.
Official Bus Slogan: Black Stars: Here to illuminate Brazil
I have to say, the team nickname of Black Stars is pretty intimidating. Not exactly sure how a "Black" star can illuminate anything, but frankly I'm too petrified to question them.
What's the skinny? Ghana is a solid but not spectacular squad. They've got enough talent to run with most teams and beat many when they're on their game. Their defense is relatively young and inexperienced, which bodes well for the US if we can get past their very good midfield and keep Asamoah Gyan off the scoresheet. Gyan has spent the last three years getting paid like a boss to play in the United Arab Emirates league, but the level of competition is not so high and we'll see how that impacts his performance on the international stage.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Kevin Prince Boateng. Yeah, part of his name is Prince. And no, he's certainly not the best Ghanaian or likeliest to score goals (that would be Michael Essien and Gyan) but I will be paying attention to the guy who did this:
He did this to celebrate AC Milan winning the Italian league. Right after a game. In the middle of a stadium full of fans. That's...Italian soccer.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: The same likelihood as Tom Savage somehow leading Pitt AND Rutgers to a joint national championship.
Will Most Likely: Put Ghana in any of several other groups and they'd be assured a spot in the knockout round. Put them in this group, and they'll put up a strong fight in all of their matches and probably watch the knockout rounds from home.
Germany
College Football Team They Most Resemble: A good version of Michigan. A storied program that plays a very functional style of football highlighted by the odd uber-talented star, they've won the World Cup three times (although technically as West Germany) and while they haven't held the trophy since the 1990s, they are still one of the strongest teams at every World Cup and always in contention for the title. Plus, they're nickname is Die Mannschaft which sounds super intimidating until you find out it just means "The Team" in German, which is just as stupid as "Michigan Man".
To further tie this in, when Hokie fans think of Michigan they instantly think "IT WAS A CATCH" while US fans get a visceral reaction when thinking of Torsten Frings handball (not seen by the ref) that prevented a US equalizer at the World Cup in 2002 in the game that ultimately sent the US home. So, there's history there. Not good history.
Torsten Frings is the anti-Danny Coale.
FIFA Ranking: 2. So...yeah. They're pretty good. AGAIN.
Official Bus Slogan: One nation, one team, one dream!
Bonus points for rhyming and reminding us that you are essentially cheating by pretending to be a single country while IN ACTUALITY you are two. That's like if you let the US and Canada play as one team! Wait, no, that wouldn't help...
What's the skinny? Germany is an embarrassment of riches. One of the best goalkeepers in the world? Neuer, check. A core of extremely talented veterans in their late twenties (Lahm, Mertesacker, Podolski, Schweinsteiger) augmented by ridiculously talented youth (Ozil, Muller, Gotze, Reus, Kroos, Schurrle)? Check again. Half the squad coming solely from the two best teams in Germany in a sport where years of playing together make your talented individuals that much better of a team? Triple check. Yeah, the only thing Germany has to worry about is at forward, where Plan A is Miroslav Klose, who has scored lots of goals but was born during the Carter administration and Plan B, Kevin Volland, is 21 and has played for Germany exactly once. Ever.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: How to pick? With a squad so talented they leave an amazing player like Ilkay Dungodan home, you could pick almost anyone and be reasonably entertained. Muller burst onto the scene at the last world cup and Mario Gotze is the odds on favorite to do so this time (although, technically, he already did his bursting) so I'm going to go with Marco Reus. I'm easily seduced by speed, which he has in spades, and I think he's going to be chipping in some goals as well.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: For me, I'd say they are the best team there, with Brazil more likely to win using their home field advantage.
Will Most Likely: Win the group and run into Brazil in the semis. Honestly, whoever wins that match is winning the tournament.
Portugal
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Florida. Great weather, I've got a super good Iberian analogy going for Spain and Cristiano Ronaldo is Tim Tebow with talent. People spend entirely too much time focusing on the weird ass shit he does off the field (let's look back at "Sad Ronaldo" for a moment) and he is polarizing in a way that no one else is. People will either scream at you that he's the most talented player in the world (TEBOW JUST WINS GAMES) or about how overrated and arrogant he is (TEBOW'S A DISTRACTION). There is no in between. No one is indifferent about Ronaldo. He also, weirdly, likes to rip off his shirt and do a full body flex to celebrate important goals, which you are not getting pictures of unless you go looking for them.
The final link is what many consider to be the best, but possibly insane, coach in the world is Jose Mourinho. And just like Florida and Steve Spurrier, he USED to coach there (not the national team, but multiple club teams) but now peddles his services elsewhere whilst regularly dropping press conference gold.
FIFA Ranking: 3. Remember what I was saying about the Group of Death?
Official Bus Slogan: The past is history, the future is victory
Every time I read this, I think they're quoting George Carlin in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and that makes me happy, so I'm going to award this slogan 487.2 points.
RUFUS!!!
What's the skinny? Like I said before, Ronaldo, plus a decent amount of talent around him. They've got two bruisers in the back, Bruno Alves and Pepe, a midfield led by perennial "Next Big Thing!" Joao Moutinho, who's now 27 now and yet to fully live up to the billing. Up front we continue our theme of elderly strikers with Hugo Almeida and Helder Postiga hoping to knock in some goals without dislocating their hips.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: So everyone watches Ronaldo, but you should really focus on Raul Meireles. He looks legitimately insane, from waves of crazy haircuts (last I saw him, he was rocking a cross between a Civil War general and an Afghan war lord beard) to playing with barely controlled aggression/passion. He looks like the only player who could get angry enough to pull a knife on the field and crazy enough to carry around a switchblade in his jock.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: Not great. Assuming they finish second in the group, they would likely hit Belgium in the knockout round, which is probably the best matchup in that round. If they survive that, they'll probably get Spain in the quarters.
Will Most Likely: Lose to Spain in the quarterfinals but look beautiful doing it.
The winner of Group G will play the runner up of Group H and vice versa, so let's go there next.
Belgium
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Baylor. Surrounded on most sides by extremely talented countries3, they've shown flashes in the past, finishing fourth at the World Cup in 1986, but really brought it all together recently with an amazing influx of talent that they're hoping gels in time to make an impact this year. Unfortunately, they suffer from the overhyping of the "They're SO underrated!" to the point where they will now probably receive the subsequent "OVERrated" backlash. Sigh.
FIFA Ranking: 12. Results-wise, this is fair. Talent-wise, it is low.
Official Bus Slogan: Expect the impossible!
If everyone was writing them off, then this would make sense. Since everyone is penciling them into the final, the impossible would be losing all their matches, so...are you sure you want to go there?
What's the skinny? Again, talent-wise, they rival Brazil and approach Germany. Plus, they've got some STRONG all-name team candidates with a Thibault, Eden, Axel, and Romelu all likely to start. Between Thibault Courtois in goal and a rock solid defense, they may not be scored on in the group stage. Despite the array of stars they've got going forward, they're bringing a single player who has scored double digit goals for his country, a 36-year-old likely reserve defender who has all of 10. But still, they should be fun to watch.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Again, an embarrassment of riches here, but don't be seduced by Marouane Fellaini's clown-like afro, Eden Hazard's dazzling neck beard or the 11-year-old they brought masquerading as Adnan Januzaj. For me, it's the giant forward Romelu Lukaku, who has a surprisingly soft touch while still being able to bulldoze down most defenders.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: Either "Not as high as you think, sheeple!" or "ZOMG they're GOING ALL THE WAY".
Will Most Likely: They should win their group with ease and have a decent shot at the quarterfinals, but doubtful they go further than that.
Algeria
College Football Team They Most Resemble: UNLV. They play in the damn desert, for some unknown reason, and they're not bad, exactly, but they're not great. I mean...they aren't as bad as New Mexico, but they certainly aren't a Utah. They excel at being slightly above average without being conspicuous. You've also never heard of any of their players. The ONE guy you might be familiar with is Nabil Bentaleb, who you don't really know because you're just confusing him with his teammate at Spurs, Nacer Chadli, who's a Moroccan-Belgian, you racist.
FIFA Ranking: 25. Okay, UNLV might be a little insulting for them. Nevada?
Official Bus Slogan: Desert Warriors in Brazil
Should we break it to them that they're screwed? Brazil's all beaches and jungle, they are COMPLETELY unprepared for this.
What's the skinny? You and I know the exact same about Algeria, and that's really just the looks of dejection on their faces after Landon Donovan scored that goal to win the game at the last World Cup. In honor of that...
WOO HOO!! THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME! GO AMERICA! Oh, we were talking about Algeria, sorry...
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Madjid Bougherra. He's the only Algerian coming that's played more than 30 times for his country, so...he's probably pretty good? He's played a bunch in England and Scotland, but most recently with a Qatari team (getting paid like a boss) but currently doesn't have a team. So, he's using the World Cup stage to audition for a huge pay day, so he's probably also gonna try real hard.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: These guys haven't won a World Cup match since 1982, BUT are known for the fact that at that World Cup, Germany and Austria essentially colluded to throw a game so they could both advance at Algeria's expense, prompting a rule change to prevent that crap. As if we didn't already know that when Germany and Austria get together, shady shit goes down, they'll win a World Cup as soon as those two can be left in the same room together without starting a war or something.
Will Most Likely: By this time next month, still have not won a World Cup match since 1982.
Russia
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Miami. All the crazy stuff you hear about the Miami football program, the Russians have it. They are even (allegedly) bankrolled by a billionaire, Roman Abramovich, who probably belongs in jail next to Nevin Shapiro. He pays for things indirectly for the program with money that he obtained through nefarious means in the first place. And while this isn't as true today, until fairly recently the Russian team was comprised of plenty of guys with a very high opinion of themselves that didn't necessarily deliver on the field.
Plus their manager, Fabio Capello, looks like a super creepy dude and I'm fairly confident is a giant douchebag in real life. Just like Al Golden.
FIFA Ranking: 18. All on reputation that will, I'm betting, implode once they have to actually play someone.
Official Bus Slogan: No one can catch us
If you're referring to the millions in illegal bribes and kickbacks you paid in order to win the right to host the 2018 World Cup, you're right. Mostly because you bribed all the right people at FIFA and no one will bother to try.
What's the skinny? All but one of Russia's players is domestic based, and since the only thing that comes out of the Russian League is the corruption rumors and their racist-ass fans, who knows? They did manage to top Portugal in their qualifying group and all their key players from the qualifying campaign are here, so, they represent a fairly solid group stage team.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Aleksandr Kokorin. He's only 23 and he scored four goals in World Cup qualifying, including two match winners.
When he's not destroying defenses, he's the opening act on tour with One Direction
Chances of Winning the World Cup: As soon as The U is BACK, they'll have a chance.
Will Most Likely: Finish second in the group and get absolutely pwned by Germany.
South Korea
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Hawaii. South Korea doesn't have much history, but recently experienced some minor success on the world stage, most notably advancing to the quarterfinals of the 2002 World Cup, which they hosted. Just like Hawaii in their undefeated season, they were led by the only player from there you've ever heard of, Park Ji-sung. Park then went to Manchester United and never did much, just like Colt Brennan in the NFL! In general, South Korea benefits from locale, getting to beat up on terrible Southeast Asian teams in qualifying before making a larger tournament and getting whaled on.
And just like South Korea has their arch nemesis in North Korea, the unbridled hatred between Hawaii and smaller neighbor Chaminade is really second only to the Iron Bowl in intensity in college football4.
FIFA Ranking: 55. Juuuuuuuust barely not the worst team, by FIFA's whackadoo rankings, in the entire tournament.
Official Bus Slogan: Enjoy it, Reds!
Wait, I thought NORTH Korea was the communists. Have we been supporting the WRONG Korea this WHOLE TIME?!?! Regardless, yes, enjoy it Korea! All three games!
What's the skinny? I know almost nothing about this team, since much of it based in Korea, Japan and China. Of the players I've heard of, forward Park Chu-Young allegedly plays for Arsenal and they've got a couple of midfielders that play for Welsh teams Cardiff City and Swansea City, so...respect. They managed to qualify by beating Qatar and Uzbekistan by one goal each.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Ji Dong-Won. He plays for Dortmund, which is like the hippy, philosophical yang to their "BUY ALL THE BEST PLAYERS" German rival, Bayern Munich's yin. They are great at developing young talent (that Bayern generally then steals) so, he's probably good.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: They probably won't win the World Cup until they get to host it again. And only if they are the only team that enters.
Will Most Likely: Crash out of the Group Stage, praying they'll pull a draw off someone so they don't lose all their games.
Alright, that's Group H! Let's head to Group A next.
Brazil
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Alabama. Similar to the Crimson Tide, Brazil actually claim to have won 27 World Cups even though only 22 have been played. Also, their players are generally known by one name, much like Brodie, AJ, and Ha Ha, only their names are Portuguese, like Neymar, Thiago, Bernard, and Fred. Also, just like Alabama plays "neutral site" games in Atlanta every year, Brazil is playing in front of their home fans this tournament.
FIFA Ranking: 4, proving that it doesn't require coaches voting in a poll to make a ranking complete bullshit.
Official Bus Slogan: Brace yourselves! The 6th is coming!
Referring to the potential 6th World Cup victory if they pull this one off. Also, kudos for the Game of Thrones reference, tiny Dani Alves can be Tyrion and hopefully Marcelo is Ned Stark.
What's the skinny? They are really good and, unlike Bama, play a very open, attacking and exciting style. They will score goals, they will do their best to look pretty while doing it and they will be doing it under the added pressure of every Brazilian expecting...no, DEMANDING they win the tournament. So if things start to go wrong for them, the panic will be entertainment enough.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Neymar. He's just a kid, only 22, but he has a knack for scoring amazing goals and leaving opponents jock straps on the ground much like David Wilson. Please also note that it was difficult to highlight Neymar over the guy with "Hulk" on the back of his shirt, which makes him awesome.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: Pretty damn good.
Will Most Likely: Win the World Cup. Sorry to ruin the drama.
Croatia
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Oklahoma. Don't know a lot about Croatia, right? But they always seem to be in the top 25. They played as part of Yugoslavia before that country broke up and were moderately good during that time, experiencing a renaissance of sorts in the last few years behind Luca Modric, who is like their Adrian Peterson.
They've even got a reverse "Troy Aikman" in Eduardo da Silva, who doesn't exactly sound Croatian, right? That's because he's Brazilian, but spent enough time in Zagreb to claim Croatian citizenship and represent their national team. Considering his nickname is "Dudu", I think that Troy Aikman analogy is just about perfect.
FIFA Ranking: 20.
Official Bus Slogan: With fire in our hearts, for Croatia all as one!
Uh...so the fire part is cool. Maybe this just sounds better in Croatian.
What's the skinny? To finish off the Sooner analogy, around a decade ago, I spent a LOT of time in Oklahoma, involuntarily. I got to meet a LOT of Oklahoma Sooner fans. My time with them pounded a soft spot into my heart for Oklahoma State, the downtrodden (until recently) little brother of the state, who have since become my adopted secondary college football team.
My dim, distant paternal ancestry is Welsh, and they are my adoptive secondary international team. By happy coincidence, I was able to see Wales play Croatia in a World Cup qualifier in Swansea about a year ago. It was tremendous fun, excepting the last 15 minutes of the game, at which point i decided I don't like Croatia anymore, particularly Eduardo.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Luka Modric is the heart and soul of this team, and if he's off his game at the World Cup, they're screwed. But keep an eye on Mateo Kovacic, who plays for Italian giants Inter. He's very young, only 20, and will probably make his appearances off the bench, but the kid is a BOSS for me in FIFA 14.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: About as good as Belldozer winning the Heisman.
Will Most Likely: Croatia probably has the best chance of advancing out of the group behind Brazil, but unfortunately, their luck will probably pair them with Spain or the Dutch in the knockout round and then they're screwed.
Mexico
College Football Team They Most Resemble: Quick, think of the college football stadium in which you are most likely to be pelted with a bag of piss. Got it in mind? That's right, Mexico is just like West Virginia! Nobody likes to go to their stadium, their fans are violent and hostile to both the opposing teams' players, and their traveling fans as well. And the smog above Mexico City looks like the smoke from 10,000 couch fires...
On another note, Mexico HAAAAAAAAATES the US and we pretty much hate them back. We are, by far, the two best teams in our region and that comes with a fair bit of unhealthy rivalry. There has been intentional cheating in games before, the US intentionally schedules competitive matches against Mexico in cold places as far away from concentrated groups of Mexicans as possible and did I mention their fans LITERALLY throw bags and open cups of piss at people?
FIFA Ranking: 19. Lord knows how since it took a miracle goal by the US to let them ass-back their way into a playoff with New Zealand to get here. They also fired five coaches roughly 14 times (they kept rehiring them so they could fire them again) during qualifying, so they are a Rich Rod mess.
Official Bus Slogan: Always united, always Aztecas
Ah, Estadio Azteca, truly the epicenter of piss flinging. This is like WVU adopting that "WE MUST IGNITE THIS COUCH" slogan, but for serious.
What's the skinny? Mexico is normally a very good team, but they have been in utter disarray since winning the gold in soccer at the London Olympics in 2012. They seriously barely qualified, despite boasting two very good goalkeepers, a solid but aging defense, and a wide array of weapons up front, most notably Giovani dos Santos and Chicharito, which means "Little Pea" in the most intimidating Spanish you can imagine. Incredibly, they also called in Cuauhtemoc Blanco, who was born when Nixon was President. Maybe he's going as a coach? I'm confused. He's FORTY ONE. Let's hope AARP is sponsoring goals at this World Cup.
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Marco Fabian. Hernandez and dos Santos will score what goals there are to be had, but Fabian is the best bet to keep things running in the midfield. He's also going to be a thorn in the US teams' side for the next decade.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: Something something DOS A CERO! HAHAHAHAHA, MEXICO SUCKS! US RULEZ!
Will Most Likely: Battle with Cameroon for the honor of who loses in the most lopsided fashion to Brazil, before gracelessly returning home after the Group Stage.
Cameroon
College Football Team They Most Resemble: UNC. Remember that team that was REALLY good for a minute in the 90s before things fell apart? And then...you know that team that has just an incredible amount of talent year after year that they send on to the big leagues but never actually manages to accomplish anything with said talent? Seriously, the only thing that would improve this analogy would be Cameroon offering fake classes to its players and having a really big rivalry in a different sport with their embarrassingly rich, white near neighbor. I mean, they have Samuel freaking Eto'o and they couldn't qualify for the AFRICAN tournament the last few years.
FIFA Ranking: 50. I believe they had rings made for being the champions of the second best 50 teams in the world.
Official Bus Slogan: A lion remains a lion
I dunno about this one. It reminds me of the guy I met at a Marymount party5 who got super philosophical about shotgunning beers. "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."
What's the skinny? They really shouldn't have any trouble scoring goals, though they only managed two at the last World Cup while losing all three group games. But I'm looking at their defense and realizing they are going to need to outscore people to beat them, and I'm not so sure that's happening (except with Mexico).
Player You Should Pay Attention To: Samuel Eto'o. Normally I try to be clever here, but he's amazing, one of the best pure strikers in the world. He's so good that a billionaire bought him and made him the world's highest paid player for Anzhi, a Russian team in the not so safe Dagestan region. Part of the offer included allowing him to live elsewhere and be ferried to practice and games via helicopter, which just...guh. Dude is good.
Chances of Winning the World Cup: About the same as Whit Babcock offering the use of a helicopter to ferry me back and forth to Lane Stadium.
Will Most Likely: Score goals, but allow the other teams to score MORE goals and go home after their three games.
Alright, that's four groups covered, four to go. I'll hit those in two more installments before things kick off on June 12. That's right, THURSDAY EARLY EVENING FUTBOL!!! See you next week!
1To be honest, the BEST team never to have won a World Cup is the Netherlands, but behind them it's between the US and Mexico
2I have petitioned ESPN to refer to them officially as "Fucking Ghana" for the entirety of the World Cup. I haven't heard back yet, but I'll keep you posted.
3Except Luxembourg. They suck. Just like New Mexico.
4I completely made that up, nobody hates Chaminade, Ralph Sampson's favorite team
5Yes, a Marymount party. I don't even remember how I got there.
Comments
Thanks so much for this, I had anxiously awaited the second installment and you certainly did not disappoint. Definitely saw the Hokies/US comparison coming; and spot on with the Mexico/WV as well, couldn't be more perfect. I had although hoped for a Brazil/Michigan pairing. While based on their standards, these have been considered down years; they've owned the history of world football and are considered historical rivals with Italy, whom you very accurately compared to tOSU.
Portugal also reminds me of Oregon football with their up tempo style, faster players, and powerful resurgence good enough to make them highly competitive but never hoisting the trophy. Man! Holland as a Guz Malzahn type Auburn team, to Germany's big, physical, talent rich Alabama style would have been great too; and boy do the Dutch hate zee Germans.
Couldn't agree more with the Belgium/Baylor review and I've been vulnerable enough to hop onto that bandwagon. I think they will make a lot of noise this summer...really fun to watch.
Really excited to see what you do with Spain, the Dutch, and Les Bleus (look out for Paul Pugba) on your following installments. Great stuff!
one of my Mexican buddies: "you should be thanking us in the first place"
me: "why is that?"
buddy: "because half your team is Mexican."
me: "hey man, we're the melting pot."
buddy: "well there's a whole lotta salsa in that pot."
me: "well they left for a reason right?"
buddy: ". . ."
me: (patriotic smirk)
Remind your friend there's a whole lot more bratwurst than salsa.
that sounds like a euphemism. Not sure for what yet...
granted, this conversation took place a year or two ago.
he sent me this the other day
!doh!
My boss, a United States Naval Academy GRADUATE, is a Mexico fan.
Spain is obviously FSU. Reigning champs, silly talent, were down for a bit after a prior period of awesomeness, hot coeds/female fans, and fits in with the whole Iberian thing where Florida is Portugal.
Good job! I was a little skeptical opening this article, not sure what to expect. You did however, both entertain and educate. Thanks for taking the time to put it together. I also appreciated all the links. +3.2 pts for you in including a Billy Jean dance off. Go team USA!
I think Portugal is a little overrated at #3 really. I don't think it's such a long-shot that we could finish 2nd in the group. But that would hinge on Jozy having a great tournament (which I don't think is impossible if he can clean up his first touch from the other night). I think we have enough of the remaining pieces to hang with a team like Portugal.
But if we don't beat Ghana in game one (I think we should), I think we may as well start cheering for our "second teams". Mine's Germany. I love almost everything about that squad, including the fact that there are 3 Gunners on it! I agree with your assessment of Reus. If there was one (realistic) player I could insert onto Arsenal's roster, it's Marco Reus.
I'd like to see Germany or, to a lesser extent, Belgium win it all this year. I'm so disappointed that Belgium will be missing Benteke for this tournament. Such a hard loss to swallow.
Fucking Ghana, man...
Holy shit, wtf is that?
It's AWESOME is what it is. And completely unnerving me the longer I look at it...
The hideousness of that sight shall haunt my dreams forever.
This sometimes happens when a stiff breeze blows through the stadium too
I don't think I'll ever watched a soccer game but this .IS HILARIOUS !
I want to say we make it out of group play second but with the younger guys it is hard to tell what we have. Oddly enough overall this group is older with more experience then the last WC USMNT but most look past that because of Landon is out. The Nigeria friendly will tell us a lot. If we control that game then I see us beating Ghana and drawing with Portugal.
another great piece Mr. Fuller!!
Now I am just eagerly awaiting for you to compare the French team to UVA...
Ha, the problem there is the French are actually good, which strains the analogy. I DO have a UVA equivalent I can unveil next week, but (shockingly) they won't be in Brazil next month.
Let me guess.... Canada?
They're not even a real country anyway
North Korea? Talks smack all the time, never follows through. Exact polar opposite lifestyle of South Korea (Hawaii)
That would be brilliant. During the last WC, North Korea's state TV edited every game to make it seem like they won (regardless of the actual outcome). Clearly, UVa.
Gotta say I genuinely look forward to anything posted by TheFifthFuller. I've shared these World Cup posts with a few non-Hokie, soccer loving coworkers and they really enjoy them. One is a Syracuse guy so he particularly enjoys references to the old Big East schools. Looking forward to the last couple installments!
Also, what about Spain, Germany, Japan? What college teams do they resemble?
Bama, A&M, and I would say Miami.. you never know what Japan will show up.
They're coming! This was obscenely long as it is, we had to break it up into installments.
Spain- FSU during hey day
Germany- Stanford (play with smarts and methodically move like a 2 TE set up)
Japan- Arizona State (sometimes good, sometimes bad- can never figure out their inconsistency)
We will beat Ghana in the opener. It is a MUST win and we will play with rabid intensity. Then comes the all or nothing game with Portugal. We can beat them, we have before. I could be drinking the cool-aide, but I really don't care.
USA! USA! USA!
Can we make it all the way through the knockout rounds? Not likely, but everything is possible in an infinite universe. We can go deep into the bracket, I really believe that. We have the talent, and we have the coach.
Great reference!
brilliant. Just brilliant
if there's a name or dude more german than schweinsteiger I don't wanna meet him
Easily the best name, but Manuel neuer is like prototypical Aryan German... It would not shock me at all if it turns out he was like an old east German science experiment or something leftover from world war two
You owe me a new monitor since I spit out my coffee all over mine reading this gold. Well done sir!
Ugh, fucking Fellaini. I really hate him. Much like the Belgian he is, he is either insanely over- or underrated. I tend to fall on the overrated side.
Awesome piece good sir. Next time, more talk about Jozy's tiny jersey.
Don't worry, I'm currently doing an in depth investigation on what happened to my 3 year old's brand new rocket pop jersey. A large man in a white and red striped shirt that kept missing the doors he was trying to walk through was reported in the area...
I'm sorry but I've only read the US part so far and have to react. Ready to take on the crowd because of my opinion of US soccer, coming from a person who spent 15 years playing it and loves the sport more than any other:
rant
No, we aren't. We're a mediocre team at best. We dominate our region because we're built to beat Mexico but don't play the international style required to be competitive in the Cup.
EDIT: I don't think they're the VT of soccer. Yes, I know they're both our teams, but VT has an identity. We play hard nosed defense and run the ball down your throat. The US soccer team has no identity, no style, and is not as good in soccer as we are at football.
Landon Donovan has been the biggest waste of space the US has ever produced on the pitch outside of Bruce Arena's crush on Bobby Convey. He stayed in the US when he needed to go to Europe because he thought he'd try to build the popularity of soccer in the US, which is backwards logic if there ever was any. At no point in the time he's been on the team has he been the best player we have (read: both our goalkeeper and Clint Dempsey have always been better than him, as well as Michael Bradley in the last World Cup). Juergen kicking his lazy self off the team was the best thing for US soccer because Donovan possesses next to no leadership skills, took a vacation from the game, is mentally soft, settled in nicely as Nike's poster boy for American soccer, and his presence has prevented us from developing the guy who should have taken his spot in the last World Cup. I don't worry that he won't be there, I'm happy to see him gone and it should have happened before the last World Cup. We will be better off next World Cup without him in this one.
/rant
Horse, you magnificent animal. I love your rant. And, hey, how bout young Mr Julian Green eh?
You know, I haven't seen enough of him to say one way or the other but from what I hear I should be excited to see him.
Also, since I mentioned we're built to beat the team in our region (Mexico) but fail on the international stage, maybe I should have said we are more like Wisconsin, which I would, if I didn't hate Wisconsin.
He is a future rock star. Also, Wisonsin is not all that bad actually - on the international stage, I'll take it....for now.
Leg for all of this, but mainly the part about Donovan. I always get argumentative when someone says Landycakes was the best player on our roster at any given time. Howard is a bonafide world class keeper (hell from a talent standpoint, our #2 GK might even be better than Donovan at most points in his career), Dempsey at one point was easily our best field player, and now that guy is Bradley.
Also, in a shallow way, I'm very glad that Donovan probably won't get the few Caps he needs to surpass Cobi Jones in the record books as most Capped USA player. Cobi was one of my idols when I was growing up.
Agreed. That Landon Donovan is going to finish as the "Best player in US history" by a variety of ridiculous and utterly inconsequential statistics makes my heart hurt.
Leg for you, Horse. I knew Donovan was going to spark a debate, at least reinforcing my point that he's the most controversial player in the US pool.
When I say best player, I'm talking field player. It's always hard for me to compare goalkeepers to the rest of the field. Then we can get in an argument about Timmy vs Brad Godzan, and as a Villa fan, I think you know where I'm going to side on that one. A lot of this is subjective, I could bring up what I see is that Dempsey has shown more talent at times, but he takes sizable chunks of games off. I remember screaming at him during the last World Cup because he was dogging it all over the field like Marcus Davis blocking. I'd agree Bradley is better now (despite his showing against Azerbaijan a few nights ago). I disagree with some of the things you've said; I think the pressure he's been under since he was a teenager has been ridiculous and I completely understand the time he took off. I don't think you can be mentally soft and have any level of success at the professional and international level, let alone what he's done. I don't know anything about his leadership skills, especially enough to comment or question them and I can think of half a dozen players just from the last few years that have been a bigger waste of space than Donovan.
I would take issue with saying we're mediocre. We've beaten some good teams in competitive matches over the years; we don't get the opportunity but every four years to play non-CONCACAF teams competitively, which is extremely frustrating. I think the concept of the Super Copa America in 2016 becoming a regular thing would be the best thing that happens to US soccer after hosting the 1994 World Cup. Getting to face South American countries in real games between the World Cup? That would actually help our team grow. And we actually DON'T beat Mexico as much as I feel like we should; seems like the home team tends to take those until very recently. I also think we have, not necessarily a style but a mindset of outworking the other team. I don't necessarily like it, but I think we've realized that, even when we have more talent than the opposition, we seem to play better when we just outwork them. I think Klinsmann's trying to change that by reshaping the youth programs to PRODUCE the talent so we don't have to do that, which is good.
I think the perception you're echoing about US soccer not being good is also one a lot of people say about VT football. Oh, they win a lot of games, but they're in the ACC (can't believe I didn't put that in the original article). It's frustrating as hell to get looked down on, and I feel like the US gets it just as much as VT, and I don't think it's any more deserved.
I'm kinda between you guys but I totally agree with the US - VT comparisons. It seems like every world cup we go in and everyone is like pfft US soccer blows our players are just blowing smoke up our ass. Then whadya know we make it to the knockout rounds and give a good team a hell of a run for its money. Case and point last world cup, yeah our goal against england was incredibly fortunate but everyone forgets about two fantastic saves that Robert green made that game to hold on to the draw. Then that slovenia game.....oh that slovena game....we deserved that win, we really did and got robbed by some horrendous officiating. Then the Algeria game was a 90 minute highlight reel for that poor keeper. We outplayed 2 out of 3 of our opponents and the england game was a toss in my opinion. Sure it wasn't the hardest draw ever as far as the draw went but we went toe to toe on international play and more than held our own. The Ghana game was incredibly frustrating for so many reasons and they just seem to be our kryptonite.
My point is I believe in my opinion yeah were not in that upper echelon of teams like Germany and Spain but I also think were better than some of those mid tier European teams like Croatia or Poland or Sweden. I think a top 20 ranking is very appropriate. Top ten? Probably not. That being said FIFA rankings are fickle as hell and make less sense than the BCS.
Now onto the Landon Donovan topic. I think we give that guy a little to much love sometimes but you gotta give the guy credit, he's done a TON for US soccer in general and deserves all the credit he's gotten up to this point. However his sabbatical (while I understand why he did it) totally hurt his worth to the national team. You have a brand new coach coming in, if you wanna be an important picture in the national team maybe you should get your foot in the door don't take your sabbatical in the very beginning. Especially because he and klinsman had a falling out in Bayern. Iunno it just seemed like the timing was horrible and his club form has been god awful this year so I have absolutely no problem with klinsman leaving him off. While I don't think well advance I think well be competitive and give our opponents everything they're worth
USA! USA! USA!
Our identity has always been boot it down the field and hope someone on the opposing team slips up so we have an opportunity. This new team is moving in the direction we need to go. Working for set pieces. I know Jurgen says he didn't build this team with the next cycle in mind but you can't deny some of these guys won't be fully into the swing of international play until 1/2 way into the next cycle AND I am ok with that. Excited to see how our group shakes out this year. Germany seems to have a good amount of off the field issues going on that aren't being reported main stream and the climate in Brazil will be difficult for the Germans.
You do realize it is Winter in Brazil. The only really hot cities will probably be the Northern inland cities Brasilia, Manaus, and Cuiaba. Most cities will highs in the 60s and 70s and cold at night in the 40s and 50s.
Sorry I should have been more specific. It has been well documented that humidity and the fact the weather will be so different from site to site will have an affect on the European teams. Not necessarily high temps.
On the topic of US's style of play, Howler Magazine did a piece about exactly that in their first issue back in 2012. http://whatahowler.tumblr.com/post/31313126129/what-is-american-soccer
I highly encourage anyone who is remotely interested in soccer to look around through some of those articles. It's a wonderful magazine.
I'm pretty sure this Fiat's slogan. Which is worse, considering how Italy plays soccer.
FWIW, Patrick Nyarko was born in Ghana, led VT Men's Soccer to its best season ever (2007).
Man! I was really fighting the urge...thank you for bringing this up. I know it's all in fun but I hope we can all chill out with this "Fucking Ghana" stuff. Please and thank you.
Ghana sucks
Until Patrick Nyarko suits up for Ghana's national team, I'll continue to support the rants on Ghana.
I know, and I love Nyarko and it's been awesome watching him contribute with the Fire over the last few years since he left. Please don't think this is something against Ghanaians everywhere; this isn't even to the level of hatred for Matt Fucking Ryan. It's just like how I feel about Pittsburgh; we should beat them and, until this past season, we CAN'T and it's frustrating as hell. I honestly don't have anything against the country or even the players, it's just the hoodoo that they seem to have over us at the World Cup.
I'm basically indifferent on Christiano Ronaldo...I think he's a fun player to watch..but I don't hate him or love him
The exception that proves the rule!
Algeria fans are more like Raider fans. In college terms, I might compare it to Fresno State (in the sense that Fresno gear doubles as gang apparel for the #1 gang in the Central Valley, the Bulldogs). I was on the Paris Metro surrounded by lots of red & green clad Algeria fans on the Friday of the US-Algeria game. It was not so much a festive crowd (as Spaniards, Dutch, and Germans are pre-game) - more like a "don't catch the eye of any of the crazy ones" experience. Having worn Steelers gear at a Raiders game and Hokie gear in Morganhole and at Miami (in 2000 when both teams were good), I've had the true away-fan experience (unlike the love-ins at Nebraska and Texas A&M), but my whole time on the Metro I was trying to think in another language so I'd come off as "not American" if anyone tried to engage. The fact that there were French riot police dressed in full body armor at the station where I got out led me to believe I wasn't being paranoid.
As for the next preview, Australia is Kansas State.
-They're kinda like us (big school, middle of nowhere, people from outside the state often think of their rival school first, said rival school has chip on its shoulder despite relative lack of football history)
-They're new to being relevant in this sport (K-state pre-Snyder is like VT pre-Beamer, but without Bruce Smith or Don Strock)
-More of the "like us" theme: Their fans call it "soccer" (actually the team was called the Socceroos until the someone decided they should try to rebrand it football) and most of the fans are trying to play along and learn the sport, if only to see what the "rest of the world" is so jacked up about during the World Cup, knowing full well that their best athletes play the more rugged sports preferred locally (and two sports that most resemble our football): rugby and Australian rules football
-Like the US (and northern Europeans), Aussies don't play like Southern Europeans & Latin American teams, feigning injuries, imagining sniper shots when nobody is near them, or using a Korean War surplus stretcher like Ghana did when running out the clock vs the US in 2010, and it cost them when the Italians did a superior acting job, eventually breaking a tied overtime game in the 2006 World Cup. Italy won that World Cup, but none would say that they outplayed the Aussies. (here the comparison is a little thin because K State doesn't play like VT, but the Aussies play like the US and I can only stretch the analogy so far before some Mexican Mountaineer throws a burning couch-fabric balloon full of urine).
I will not condone paper airplanes, but that's pretty impressive.
These are fantastic primers.
I will you say that you would've thrown a perfect game if you could have somehow worked that Vela hates Mexico so much he refuses to play for them...or something like that.
Dos A Cero!
WE MUST IGNITE THIS COUCH