World Cup for College Football Fans: Part II

Hello. Last week I did an introduction to the World Cup for you, and this week I'll look at a bunch more teams that will be participating in the tournament next month. To start with, however, some concerned readers have sent in questions that I've answered below. If you have anything you'd like to see addressed in the next installment, please leave a comment below and I'd be happy to make up an answer.

1. In your previous column, you failed to explain if it's legal to tackle people in soccer.

A. Great question! Indeed, it is, but not how you think. "Tackling" in soccer generally means kicking the ball away from the offensive player, although sometimes the players will collide and one or both of them will writhe around on the ground like they were shot in the ankle/knee cap/face. Don't worry, a trainer will come running out, spray some magical spray onto the affected body part and they will be as good as new in no time.

2. So you can't tackle with your hands?

A. Not unless you're Bullet Tooth Tony.

Oh yeah, and he's Welsh. Don't mess with Welshmen.

3. So do they wear helmets or pads?

A. The only protective equipment they wear are tiny little pieces of plastic over their shins. Not infrequently, two guys will try to head the same ball and smack skulls and, again, they will likely react as if they were attacked with a sledgehammer, but don't fear. They'll be back up in no time!

Sometimes they wear face masks and pretend to be superheros, but their teammates just laugh at them. But everyone laughs at Fernando Torres.

4. I'm concerned, since there are many countries that did not make the World Cup and I'm pretty sure there are more than 32 college football teams that you won't cover Country X or College Y.

A. If you have special requests for colleges or countries, leave them in the comments and I'll be happy to apply my infinite knowledge to them.

Without further ado, let's get to the team previews! Here's Group G, home of...

Team America (F*#K YEAH)

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Virginia Tech. Oh c'mon, if you didn't see this coming, I don't know what to tell you. I was going to save this one for the end but too many of my follow on analogies rely on establishing that the "Yanks" are the Hokies of international soccer.

For starters, the US was an afterthought in international soccer until a sudden rise to regional dominance and larger respectability in the 1990s. Remind you of anyone? They are also regarded as one of the best teams to have never won a World Cup, much like your beloved Hokies¹ and the national championship.

In addition, the US is known for producing world class athletes at the back of the defense. Much like VT is #DBU, the US has produced a string of amazing goalkeepers, two of which start in the English Premier League. But there is a history at the position, from Tony Meola to Kasey Keller to Brad Friedel to today's generation, Tim Howard and Brad Guzan. Not unlike our history of Torrian Gray, through Pierson Prioleau, Keion Carpenter, the Fullers, Brandon Flowers, etc.

Finally, and this may ruffle some feathers, but Landon Donovan is an amazingly good proxy for Logan Thomas. Donovan has been the most talented player on the US team pretty much the entire time he's been there, carrying them at times while surrounded by much less talented players. Yet vocal portions of the fan base give him unrelenting grief (though generally for different reasons than why Logan Thomas gets grief). He is perhaps the most underappreciated player of this generation.

For the cherry on top, the general reaction to Donovan getting cut from the World Cup squad mirrors how Hokies react to Logan Thomas graduating. There is a vocal portion of the fan base saying "Good Riddance" while the (hopefully) larger part understands and appreciates the contributions Donovan has made, worries about the fact that he won't be there while recognizing that serving youth in this campaign will (also hopefully) pay dividends down the road.

FIFA Ranking: 14. That seems like where the Hokies are always ranked, too.

Official Bus Slogan: United by team, driven by passion

This...this seems off. Did this get thrown off in Google Translate? It was written in ENGLISH? On PURPOSE? Well. Are you sure somebody didn't accidentally write down the new Chevrolet slogan?

What's the skinny? Klinsmann has done a semi roster reset, bringing only five players who have played in the World Cup previously. While certain prospects like John Anthony Brooks and Julian Green have Americans salivating for the future, don't expect to see much of them this time around and if you do, get some antacids. We've got a potential world class striker in Jozy Altidore who has only scored a single league goal all season. A young defense that has shown promise but may not have fully gelled yet and doesn't have Bud Foster nor any Fullers to help them. They've also got some attacking talent to help out Altidore in Aron Johannsson and Clint Dempsey if he pays attention all game and doesn't cup check anyone.

Seriously, what is it with soccer players and nuts?

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Michael Bradley. He was first given a shot when his dad was head coach, which did not sit well with many fans. But he's continued to play under Jurgen Klinsmann, mostly because he's the best all-around player we've got now (yes, he's surpassed Donovan). He doesn't have the flashy dribbling or beautiful goals that Donovan has (though he can score), but his positioning, passing and defense are unparalleled. Watching him play can help you appreciate the little things in the game, much like French loves watching pulling offensive lineman.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Not so good. Every World Cup has a "Group of Death" and yep, the US is square in the middle of it.

Will Most Likely: We can hold out hope to sneak into second in the group to advance, but third or even fourth are much more likely. Germany is a title contender, Portugal has one of the three best players in the world and Ghana. Fucking Ghana.

Ghana

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Pittsburgh. You know that team that ain't so great but they somehow keep popping up and beating the Hokies despite all logical reason? Yeah, that's fucking Ghana². This is only the third World Cup that Ghana has ever qualified for (and the third straight), however, they have managed to knock the US out of the last two times out, meaning EVERY TIME Ghana has gone to the World Cup, they have sent the US home. And we get to play them first this year. Fucking Ghana.

FIFA Ranking: 38. Much like Pitt prefers to be unranked when they beat us.

Official Bus Slogan: Black Stars: Here to illuminate Brazil

I have to say, the team nickname of Black Stars is pretty intimidating. Not exactly sure how a "Black" star can illuminate anything, but frankly I'm too petrified to question them.

What's the skinny? Ghana is a solid but not spectacular squad. They've got enough talent to run with most teams and beat many when they're on their game. Their defense is relatively young and inexperienced, which bodes well for the US if we can get past their very good midfield and keep Asamoah Gyan off the scoresheet. Gyan has spent the last three years getting paid like a boss to play in the United Arab Emirates league, but the level of competition is not so high and we'll see how that impacts his performance on the international stage.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Kevin Prince Boateng. Yeah, part of his name is Prince. And no, he's certainly not the best Ghanaian or likeliest to score goals (that would be Michael Essien and Gyan) but I will be paying attention to the guy who did this:

He did this to celebrate AC Milan winning the Italian league. Right after a game. In the middle of a stadium full of fans. That's...Italian soccer.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: The same likelihood as Tom Savage somehow leading Pitt AND Rutgers to a joint national championship.

Will Most Likely: Put Ghana in any of several other groups and they'd be assured a spot in the knockout round. Put them in this group, and they'll put up a strong fight in all of their matches and probably watch the knockout rounds from home.

Germany

College Football Team They Most Resemble: A good version of Michigan. A storied program that plays a very functional style of football highlighted by the odd uber-talented star, they've won the World Cup three times (although technically as West Germany) and while they haven't held the trophy since the 1990s, they are still one of the strongest teams at every World Cup and always in contention for the title. Plus, they're nickname is Die Mannschaft which sounds super intimidating until you find out it just means "The Team" in German, which is just as stupid as "Michigan Man".

To further tie this in, when Hokie fans think of Michigan they instantly think "IT WAS A CATCH" while US fans get a visceral reaction when thinking of Torsten Frings handball (not seen by the ref) that prevented a US equalizer at the World Cup in 2002 in the game that ultimately sent the US home. So, there's history there. Not good history.

Torsten Frings is the anti-Danny Coale.

FIFA Ranking: 2. So...yeah. They're pretty good. AGAIN.

Official Bus Slogan: One nation, one team, one dream!

Bonus points for rhyming and reminding us that you are essentially cheating by pretending to be a single country while IN ACTUALITY you are two. That's like if you let the US and Canada play as one team! Wait, no, that wouldn't help...

What's the skinny? Germany is an embarrassment of riches. One of the best goalkeepers in the world? Neuer, check. A core of extremely talented veterans in their late twenties (Lahm, Mertesacker, Podolski, Schweinsteiger) augmented by ridiculously talented youth (Ozil, Muller, Gotze, Reus, Kroos, Schurrle)? Check again. Half the squad coming solely from the two best teams in Germany in a sport where years of playing together make your talented individuals that much better of a team? Triple check. Yeah, the only thing Germany has to worry about is at forward, where Plan A is Miroslav Klose, who has scored lots of goals but was born during the Carter administration and Plan B, Kevin Volland, is 21 and has played for Germany exactly once. Ever.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: How to pick? With a squad so talented they leave an amazing player like Ilkay Dungodan home, you could pick almost anyone and be reasonably entertained. Muller burst onto the scene at the last world cup and Mario Gotze is the odds on favorite to do so this time (although, technically, he already did his bursting) so I'm going to go with Marco Reus. I'm easily seduced by speed, which he has in spades, and I think he's going to be chipping in some goals as well.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: For me, I'd say they are the best team there, with Brazil more likely to win using their home field advantage.

Will Most Likely: Win the group and run into Brazil in the semis. Honestly, whoever wins that match is winning the tournament.

Portugal

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Florida. Great weather, I've got a super good Iberian analogy going for Spain and Cristiano Ronaldo is Tim Tebow with talent. People spend entirely too much time focusing on the weird ass shit he does off the field (let's look back at "Sad Ronaldo" for a moment) and he is polarizing in a way that no one else is. People will either scream at you that he's the most talented player in the world (TEBOW JUST WINS GAMES) or about how overrated and arrogant he is (TEBOW'S A DISTRACTION). There is no in between. No one is indifferent about Ronaldo. He also, weirdly, likes to rip off his shirt and do a full body flex to celebrate important goals, which you are not getting pictures of unless you go looking for them.

The final link is what many consider to be the best, but possibly insane, coach in the world is Jose Mourinho. And just like Florida and Steve Spurrier, he USED to coach there (not the national team, but multiple club teams) but now peddles his services elsewhere whilst regularly dropping press conference gold.

FIFA Ranking: 3. Remember what I was saying about the Group of Death?

Official Bus Slogan: The past is history, the future is victory

Every time I read this, I think they're quoting George Carlin in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and that makes me happy, so I'm going to award this slogan 487.2 points.

RUFUS!!!

What's the skinny? Like I said before, Ronaldo, plus a decent amount of talent around him. They've got two bruisers in the back, Bruno Alves and Pepe, a midfield led by perennial "Next Big Thing!" Joao Moutinho, who's now 27 now and yet to fully live up to the billing. Up front we continue our theme of elderly strikers with Hugo Almeida and Helder Postiga hoping to knock in some goals without dislocating their hips.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: So everyone watches Ronaldo, but you should really focus on Raul Meireles. He looks legitimately insane, from waves of crazy haircuts (last I saw him, he was rocking a cross between a Civil War general and an Afghan war lord beard) to playing with barely controlled aggression/passion. He looks like the only player who could get angry enough to pull a knife on the field and crazy enough to carry around a switchblade in his jock.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Not great. Assuming they finish second in the group, they would likely hit Belgium in the knockout round, which is probably the best matchup in that round. If they survive that, they'll probably get Spain in the quarters.

Will Most Likely: Lose to Spain in the quarterfinals but look beautiful doing it.

The winner of Group G will play the runner up of Group H and vice versa, so let's go there next.

Belgium

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Baylor. Surrounded on most sides by extremely talented countries³, they've shown flashes in the past, finishing fourth at the World Cup in 1986, but really brought it all together recently with an amazing influx of talent that they're hoping gels in time to make an impact this year. Unfortunately, they suffer from the overhyping of the "They're SO underrated!" to the point where they will now probably receive the subsequent "OVERrated" backlash. Sigh.

FIFA Ranking: 12. Results-wise, this is fair. Talent-wise, it is low.

Official Bus Slogan: Expect the impossible!

If everyone was writing them off, then this would make sense. Since everyone is penciling them into the final, the impossible would be losing all their matches, so...are you sure you want to go there?

What's the skinny? Again, talent-wise, they rival Brazil and approach Germany. Plus, they've got some STRONG all-name team candidates with a Thibault, Eden, Axel, and Romelu all likely to start. Between Thibault Courtois in goal and a rock solid defense, they may not be scored on in the group stage. Despite the array of stars they've got going forward, they're bringing a single player who has scored double digit goals for his country, a 36-year-old likely reserve defender who has all of 10. But still, they should be fun to watch.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Again, an embarrassment of riches here, but don't be seduced by Marouane Fellaini's clown-like afro, Eden Hazard's dazzling neck beard or the 11-year-old they brought masquerading as Adnan Januzaj. For me, it's the giant forward Romelu Lukaku, who has a surprisingly soft touch while still being able to bulldoze down most defenders.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Either "Not as high as you think, sheeple!" or "ZOMG they're GOING ALL THE WAY".

Will Most Likely: They should win their group with ease and have a decent shot at the quarterfinals, but doubtful they go further than that.

Algeria

College Football Team They Most Resemble: UNLV. They play in the damn desert, for some unknown reason, and they're not bad, exactly, but they're not great. I mean...they aren't as bad as New Mexico, but they certainly aren't a Utah. They excel at being slightly above average without being conspicuous. You've also never heard of any of their players. The ONE guy you might be familiar with is Nabil Bentaleb, who you don't really know because you're just confusing him with his teammate at Spurs, Nacer Chadli, who's a Moroccan-Belgian, you racist.

FIFA Ranking: 25. Okay, UNLV might be a little insulting for them. Nevada?

Official Bus Slogan: Desert Warriors in Brazil

Should we break it to them that they're screwed? Brazil's all beaches and jungle, they are COMPLETELY unprepared for this.

What's the skinny? You and I know the exact same about Algeria, and that's really just the looks of dejection on their faces after Landon Donovan scored that goal to win the game at the last World Cup. In honor of that...

WOO HOO!! THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME! GO AMERICA! Oh, we were talking about Algeria, sorry...

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Madjid Bougherra. He's the only Algerian coming that's played more than 30 times for his country, so...he's probably pretty good? He's played a bunch in England and Scotland, but most recently with a Qatari team (getting paid like a boss) but currently doesn't have a team. So, he's using the World Cup stage to audition for a huge pay day, so he's probably also gonna try real hard.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: These guys haven't won a World Cup match since 1982, BUT are known for the fact that at that World Cup, Germany and Austria essentially colluded to throw a game so they could both advance at Algeria's expense, prompting a rule change to prevent that crap. As if we didn't already know that when Germany and Austria get together, shady shit goes down, they'll win a World Cup as soon as those two can be left in the same room together without starting a war or something.

Will Most Likely: By this time next month, still have not won a World Cup match since 1982.

Russia

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Miami. All the crazy stuff you hear about the Miami football program, the Russians have it. They are even (allegedly) bankrolled by a billionaire, Roman Abramovich, who probably belongs in jail next to Nevin Shapiro. He pays for things indirectly for the program with money that he obtained through nefarious means in the first place. And while this isn't as true today, until fairly recently the Russian team was comprised of plenty of guys with a very high opinion of themselves that didn't necessarily deliver on the field.

Plus their manager, Fabio Capello, looks like a super creepy dude and I'm fairly confident is a giant douchebag in real life. Just like Al Golden.

FIFA Ranking: 18. All on reputation that will, I'm betting, implode once they have to actually play someone.

Official Bus Slogan: No one can catch us

If you're referring to the millions in illegal bribes and kickbacks you paid in order to win the right to host the 2018 World Cup, you're right. Mostly because you bribed all the right people at FIFA and no one will bother to try.

What's the skinny? All but one of Russia's players is domestic based, and since the only thing that comes out of the Russian League is the corruption rumors and their racist-ass fans, who knows? They did manage to top Portugal in their qualifying group and all their key players from the qualifying campaign are here, so, they represent a fairly solid group stage team.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Aleksandr Kokorin. He's only 23 and he scored four goals in World Cup qualifying, including two match winners.

When he's not destroying defenses, he's the opening act on tour with One Direction

Chances of Winning the World Cup: As soon as The U is BACK, they'll have a chance.

Will Most Likely: Finish second in the group and get absolutely pwned by Germany.

South Korea

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Hawaii. South Korea doesn't have much history, but recently experienced some minor success on the world stage, most notably advancing to the quarterfinals of the 2002 World Cup, which they hosted. Just like Hawaii in their undefeated season, they were led by the only player from there you've ever heard of, Park Ji-sung. Park then went to Manchester United and never did much, just like Colt Brennan in the NFL! In general, South Korea benefits from locale, getting to beat up on terrible Southeast Asian teams in qualifying before making a larger tournament and getting whaled on.

And just like South Korea has their arch nemesis in North Korea, the unbridled hatred between Hawaii and smaller neighbor Chaminade is really second only to the Iron Bowl in intensity in college football⁴.

FIFA Ranking: 55. Juuuuuuuust barely not the worst team, by FIFA's whackadoo rankings, in the entire tournament.

Official Bus Slogan: Enjoy it, Reds!

Wait, I thought NORTH Korea was the communists. Have we been supporting the WRONG Korea this WHOLE TIME?!?! Regardless, yes, enjoy it Korea! All three games!

What's the skinny? I know almost nothing about this team, since much of it based in Korea, Japan and China. Of the players I've heard of, forward Park Chu-Young allegedly plays for Arsenal and they've got a couple of midfielders that play for Welsh teams Cardiff City and Swansea City, so...respect. They managed to qualify by beating Qatar and Uzbekistan by one goal each.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Ji Dong-Won. He plays for Dortmund, which is like the hippy, philosophical yang to their "BUY ALL THE BEST PLAYERS" German rival, Bayern Munich's yin. They are great at developing young talent (that Bayern generally then steals) so, he's probably good.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: They probably won't win the World Cup until they get to host it again. And only if they are the only team that enters.

Will Most Likely: Crash out of the Group Stage, praying they'll pull a draw off someone so they don't lose all their games.

Alright, that's Group H! Let's head to Group A next.

Brazil

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Alabama. Similar to the Crimson Tide, Brazil actually claim to have won 27 World Cups even though only 22 have been played. Also, their players are generally known by one name, much like Brodie, AJ, and Ha Ha, only their names are Portuguese, like Neymar, Thiago, Bernard, and Fred. Also, just like Alabama plays "neutral site" games in Atlanta every year, Brazil is playing in front of their home fans this tournament.

FIFA Ranking: 4, proving that it doesn't require coaches voting in a poll to make a ranking complete bullshit.

Official Bus Slogan: Brace yourselves! The 6th is coming!

Referring to the potential 6th World Cup victory if they pull this one off. Also, kudos for the Game of Thrones reference, tiny Dani Alves can be Tyrion and hopefully Marcelo is Ned Stark.

What's the skinny? They are really good and, unlike Bama, play a very open, attacking and exciting style. They will score goals, they will do their best to look pretty while doing it and they will be doing it under the added pressure of every Brazilian expecting...no, DEMANDING they win the tournament. So if things start to go wrong for them, the panic will be entertainment enough.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Neymar. He's just a kid, only 22, but he has a knack for scoring amazing goals and leaving opponents jock straps on the ground much like David Wilson. Please also note that it was difficult to highlight Neymar over the guy with "Hulk" on the back of his shirt, which makes him awesome.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Pretty damn good.

Will Most Likely: Win the World Cup. Sorry to ruin the drama.

Croatia

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Oklahoma. Don't know a lot about Croatia, right? But they always seem to be in the top 25. They played as part of Yugoslavia before that country broke up and were moderately good during that time, experiencing a renaissance of sorts in the last few years behind Luca Modric, who is like their Adrian Peterson.

They've even got a reverse "Troy Aikman" in Eduardo da Silva, who doesn't exactly sound Croatian, right? That's because he's Brazilian, but spent enough time in Zagreb to claim Croatian citizenship and represent their national team. Considering his nickname is "Dudu", I think that Troy Aikman analogy is just about perfect.

FIFA Ranking: 20.

Official Bus Slogan: With fire in our hearts, for Croatia all as one!

Uh...so the fire part is cool. Maybe this just sounds better in Croatian.

What's the skinny? To finish off the Sooner analogy, around a decade ago, I spent a LOT of time in Oklahoma, involuntarily. I got to meet a LOT of Oklahoma Sooner fans. My time with them pounded a soft spot into my heart for Oklahoma State, the downtrodden (until recently) little brother of the state, who have since become my adopted secondary college football team.

My dim, distant paternal ancestry is Welsh, and they are my adoptive secondary international team. By happy coincidence, I was able to see Wales play Croatia in a World Cup qualifier in Swansea about a year ago. It was tremendous fun, excepting the last 15 minutes of the game, at which point i decided I don't like Croatia anymore, particularly Eduardo.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Luka Modric is the heart and soul of this team, and if he's off his game at the World Cup, they're screwed. But keep an eye on Mateo Kovacic, who plays for Italian giants Inter. He's very young, only 20, and will probably make his appearances off the bench, but the kid is a BOSS for me in FIFA 14.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: About as good as Belldozer winning the Heisman.

Will Most Likely: Croatia probably has the best chance of advancing out of the group behind Brazil, but unfortunately, their luck will probably pair them with Spain or the Dutch in the knockout round and then they're screwed.

Mexico

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Quick, think of the college football stadium in which you are most likely to be pelted with a bag of piss. Got it in mind? That's right, Mexico is just like West Virginia! Nobody likes to go to their stadium, their fans are violent and hostile to both the opposing teams' players, and their traveling fans as well. And the smog above Mexico City looks like the smoke from 10,000 couch fires...

On another note, Mexico HAAAAAAAAATES the US and we pretty much hate them back. We are, by far, the two best teams in our region and that comes with a fair bit of unhealthy rivalry. There has been intentional cheating in games before, the US intentionally schedules competitive matches against Mexico in cold places as far away from concentrated groups of Mexicans as possible and did I mention their fans LITERALLY throw bags and open cups of piss at people?

FIFA Ranking: 19. Lord knows how since it took a miracle goal by the US to let them ass-back their way into a playoff with New Zealand to get here. They also fired five coaches roughly 14 times (they kept rehiring them so they could fire them again) during qualifying, so they are a Rich Rod mess.

Official Bus Slogan: Always united, always Aztecas

Ah, Estadio Azteca, truly the epicenter of piss flinging. This is like WVU adopting that "WE MUST IGNITE THIS COUCH" slogan, but for serious.

What's the skinny? Mexico is normally a very good team, but they have been in utter disarray since winning the gold in soccer at the London Olympics in 2012. They seriously barely qualified, despite boasting two very good goalkeepers, a solid but aging defense, and a wide array of weapons up front, most notably Giovani dos Santos and Chicharito, which means "Little Pea" in the most intimidating Spanish you can imagine. Incredibly, they also called in Cuauhtemoc Blanco, who was born when Nixon was President. Maybe he's going as a coach? I'm confused. He's FORTY ONE. Let's hope AARP is sponsoring goals at this World Cup.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Marco Fabian. Hernandez and dos Santos will score what goals there are to be had, but Fabian is the best bet to keep things running in the midfield. He's also going to be a thorn in the US teams' side for the next decade.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Something something DOS A CERO! HAHAHAHAHA, MEXICO SUCKS! US RULEZ!

Will Most Likely: Battle with Cameroon for the honor of who loses in the most lopsided fashion to Brazil, before gracelessly returning home after the Group Stage.

Cameroon

College Football Team They Most Resemble: UNC. Remember that team that was REALLY good for a minute in the 90s before things fell apart? And then...you know that team that has just an incredible amount of talent year after year that they send on to the big leagues but never actually manages to accomplish anything with said talent? Seriously, the only thing that would improve this analogy would be Cameroon offering fake classes to its players and having a really big rivalry in a different sport with their embarrassingly rich, white near neighbor. I mean, they have Samuel freaking Eto'o and they couldn't qualify for the AFRICAN tournament the last few years.

FIFA Ranking: 50. I believe they had rings made for being the champions of the second best 50 teams in the world.

Official Bus Slogan: A lion remains a lion

I dunno about this one. It reminds me of the guy I met at a Marymount party⁵ who got super philosophical about shotgunning beers. "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."

What's the skinny? They really shouldn't have any trouble scoring goals, though they only managed two at the last World Cup while losing all three group games. But I'm looking at their defense and realizing they are going to need to outscore people to beat them, and I'm not so sure that's happening (except with Mexico).

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Samuel Eto'o. Normally I try to be clever here, but he's amazing, one of the best pure strikers in the world. He's so good that a billionaire bought him and made him the world's highest paid player for Anzhi, a Russian team in the not so safe Dagestan region. Part of the offer included allowing him to live elsewhere and be ferried to practice and games via helicopter, which just...guh. Dude is good.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: About the same as Whit Babcock offering the use of a helicopter to ferry me back and forth to Lane Stadium.

Will Most Likely: Score goals, but allow the other teams to score MORE goals and go home after their three games.

Alright, that's four groups covered, four to go. I'll hit those in two more installments before things kick off on June 12. That's right, THURSDAY EARLY EVENING FUTBOL!!! See you next week!

¹To be honest, the BEST team never to have won a World Cup is the Netherlands, but behind them it's between the US and Mexico
²I have petitioned ESPN to refer to them officially as "Fucking Ghana" for the entirety of the World Cup. I haven't heard back yet, but I'll keep you posted.
³Except Luxembourg. They suck. Just like New Mexico.
⁴I completely made that up, nobody hates Chaminade, Ralph Sampson's favorite team
⁵Yes, a Marymount party. I don't even remember how I got there.