OT: ACC FB Teams as Frozen Characters

One of the great things about TKP is the user generated content. It can be funny, insightful, and necessary to get you through the slower parts of the year when there just isn't enough football going on to keep the real content coming. Then there's crap like this.

Any of you with small children have had to watch Frozen more than anyone should ever have to and have likely memorized songs that no one outside of Scott Stadium would. I am in this group which is how I came to think up this list. Some of them are spot on. Others are complete reaches, but you know what? If you want good solid content, read French's reviews (too soon?). Until Joe drops the ban hammer on me (there's a countdown clock for that), I get to post whatever the hell I want.

So, without further ado, I present to you in all its bleacher report-esque glory: ACC Football teams as represented by Frozen characters.

BC: The snow monster. Big and imposing, just like Steve Addazio. Inspires terror in every Hokie fan's heart, mostly because of the potential for how much damage he can do, rather than anything he's actually done. In the end, fairly useless and falls down into an abyss.

Clemson: Anna. Let's face it, you knew from the beginning that she would come out on top. You were hoping for someone a little sexier and exciting, but instead you just get the naive, plucky little girl that seems in no way qualified to be the hero. Actually, that last part is a perfect description of Dabo Swinney, amirite? And, not to get too political, but it was clear that the powers that be wanted Anna to come out on top to advance their agenda and there was no way a more traditional pick, say Kristoff, would end up being the hero. Just saying.

Florida State: Grandpa Troll. Years ago, when someone needed to step up and save the day, it was Grandpa Troll. He healed Anna and made some questionable decisions along the way (cause yeah, a mind wipe was totally necessary, right). Now, when everyone is looking to him to step up and do it again, he's powerless because...well, it's in the script. Really, there's no reason he shouldn't be able to get it done just like he did then, he's got all the right tools, but, mysteriously, just can't do his job. It doesn't stop people from expecting him to be able to, though.

Louisville: Elsa. She's the sexy pick. The exciting one that's blowing up stat sheets (level 9 ice-mage? No way!!). She's getting all the accolades, but it would just be too easy for her be the hero, right? Add in that by the end of the movie, she's mysteriously helpless against foes that she should be able to overcome blindfolded with one hand tied behind her back and it's just too perfect. Also, she almost takes out Anna so they've got that parallel going for them as well.

NC State: Sven, the reindeer. Minimal impact on the story line, but does come through in the clutch (leaping over a gorge is sort of like knocking off UNCheat, right?). Nothing terribly attractive about the character, but he makes for good comic relief. Has a lot in common with Kristoff and it just seems like they would be buds.

Syracuse: Zazu (from The Lion King). He doesn't factor into the movie even a little, but thinks he's a big deal in another one. News flash, he's an annoying little shit with delusions of grandeur in that one, too. Moving on.

Wake Forest: Olaf. Olaf is a walking contradiction. Nothing about Elsa's powers dictates her ability to create sentient beings. He shouldn't like warm hugs or summer, or fire, or anything hot, really. In fact, there's no logical reason why he should even be in the movie except he's a lovable bit of comic relief that has one scene made to bring everyone to tears (0-0 anyone?). Half the time, he can't even get all his parts put together right. In the end, you can't hate him, but you don't expect him to ever play a pivotal part. It's kind of a "well bless his heart" mentality that will always be everyone's attitude toward Wake.

Duke: Troll Family. There's those couple scenes where the Trolls come to life and are actually pretty entertaining. The rest of the time you see them, they are just rocks. They sit there and don't do a whole lot. Some characters don't even know they exist as anything other than lumps on the ground.

Georgia Tech: Anna's father. I get it. You're supposed to like this guy and not say anything bad about him because he's a tragic character. But let's be honest: his only real purpose is to cause various levels of permanent emotional harm to the other characters. I've got this one daughter who's has a near death experience, maybe I should have her mind wiped and drive a permanent wedge between her and her sister/best friend. Then there's my other daughter who has some amazing abilities, let me emotionally isolate her and convince her she's an abomination that should be hidden from the light of day. You can't tell me that's not some Paul Johnson level shit right there.

Miami: Weaselton's Goons. They look like some serious muscle and I'm sure at least one person thinks they are for real before you even see them in action. For the most part, these guys are subservient to someone who they should be able to stomp into the ground. Their only purpose is to screw over other characters and their morals are clearly suspect. They are thugs through and through. Probably steroid users to boot. In the end, they aren't even good at what they do and just don't stack up against clearly talented characters.

North Carolina: Hans. He looks the part, doesn't he? Suave. Has the manners, charm, and looks to pull off being the knight in shining armor. Everyone looks to him to be the hero and he goes along with it just enough to make the case for it. Then you find out he's nothing but a conniving little shit intent on offing the other characters to advance his own interests. Sure, he takes out the snow monster so he's not entirely useless, but when it comes down to it, he's nothing but a third rate prince who gets his ass handed to him by a little girl...in a hurricane. Ok, I made up that bit about the hurricane.

Pittsburgh: Anna's horse. Who would throw a hissy fit at the slightest incitation? This guy. Who should be an overall asset to Anna, but just ends up dumping her in a freezing stream and running off into obscurity? This guy. He's a minor character that doesn't seem to get one thing right in his entire existence.

Virginia Tech: Kristoff. You knew this was coming. I mean, the guy has a blue collar mentality. He's getting screwed over by the actions of others ("wanna talk about a supply and demand problem? I sell ice"), but let's be honest, he's not necessarily doing himself any favors, either. He's got a good attitude and approach to life and makes do with what he has. He should be the hero and would be if this movie were made about ten years earlier. Also, people butcher his name.

University of Virginia: Duke of Weaselton. If there's one pick that's more obvious that Kristoff, it's this one. The guy is supposed to be the bad guy, but he's just laughable. He's arrogant, conniving, and cowardly. He is never going to win and everyone but him knows that from the outset. The only question is how poorly he actually fares when all is said and done.