So, this is my first ever post after lurking for 5+ years, and being a full-fledged member for the last 2. And this is really only prompted by a recent trip we took to Blacksburg a week or so ago to enjoy a quiet spring break weekend back on campus with my wife and 10-year old daughter. After spending most of Saturday walking around the campus, we headed out to Mountain Lake to show the ladies where Dirty Dancing was filmed. Needless to say, I was dog-tired after hiking up to Bald Knob for the first time since the late '80's when I was a student. Because I'm old and out-of-shape...clearly.
Cutting to the chase. We get back to the car and start the trek back down the mountain. For folks that haven't taken that trip, it isn't for the faint of heart. Especially when tired, as we all were. That was mistake #1. So, to while away the time, I gave my precocious pre-teen my phone so that she could google "age appropriate" jokes to tell us on the drive. That was mistake #2. The following 2 jokes, in rapid succession, nearly caused me to wreck the car due to my inability to breathe and the tears of laughter. Yes, I was punch-drunk tired, but these struck me in the best/worst possible way. It did not help that my daughter was giggling before she even read them aloud to us.
Exhibit #1:
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Exhibit #2:
What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Yes, I know these are childish and simple, but they also almost caused us to take an epic flight off the mountain.
So, my "challenge" to the forum: Share your favorite "audience appropriate" jokes. Mine are terrible, but at the time, they were literally the funniest things I have heard in a long while.
Or just have Joe delete this post.
Comments
Joke: Uva football.
Punchline: Commonwealth Cup.
14 straight times!
Other punchline: UMBC
I present you with my wife's favorite joke:
Why can't you shower with a Pokemon?
Because he'll pikachu.
And another for good measure:
What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Wasabi!
I mean, you're showering with the damn thing. you don't think it's going to see everything anyway? let's get logical here people. sheesh
/s
This one also came during the fateful trip, and almost made the cut:
What do you call a near-sighted dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
i see someone has seen jurassic park
Two muffins are in an oven.
One muffin says to the over, "Man, it's hot in here."
The other one screams, "AHHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
A fish swims into a wall and loudly exclaims, "DAM!!!"
A man walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!"
Two men walk into a bar... third one ducks.
Why did the tortilla chip slap the taco shell?
"That's nacho cheese, man"
What do you get when you cross a Rhinoceros with an Elephant? Elephino
My favorite bad joke:
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna come.
And the corollary that my son taught me:
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Probably right where you left him.
Here's the cousin to it...
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with tow legs shorter than the other two? Lean beef.
what do you call a pig that knows karate?
a pork chop
chop suey
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sex organs? Still no effin eye deer.
My 5 year olds new favorite joke.
What's the difference between a bear and a bannana?
The bannana is yellow.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant coming over the hill?
Oh look, there's an elephant coming over the hill.
It's best if you read the punchline in Korg's voice:
A piece of string walks into a bar, climbs up on a bar stool and orders a drink. The bar tender tells him, "you need to leave, we don't serve your kind here." So the string calmly walks out of the bar, ties himself up, and ruffles the top of his head a bit and walks back in and climbs back on the stool. the bar tender catches him quick, and asks "aren't you the same piece of string I just kicked out of here?" To which the string replies "no, I'm a frayed knot."
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton. The other is a little lighter.
what's brown and sticky? .......... a stick
in terms of the obvious age inappropriate joke on your trip:
you, to wife who is not facing you: congratulations honey!
wife, turning around: uh... for what?
you, with pants down: for reaching the summit of Bald Knob
Ballsy. I like it.
My dog died the other week and I was pretty bummed. My wife asked if it would make me feel better to get another one just like it. I said, "What would I need with two dead dogs?"
(Yes, I have a 7-year old...)
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
...because their extinct
A mushroom asks a girl to dance. She says no. He says "come on I'm a fungi".
Where aren't there any good restaurants on the moon?
...cause there's no atmosphere
Why don't you play cards with African cats?
...cause they're a bunch of Chetahs
How do you make an octopus laugh?
...give it Ten Tickles
What do you call a Shrimp that won't share?
...a selfish shellfish
How do you keep someone in suspense?
...I'll tell you tomorrow.
Ok now tell us
...it's not tomorrow.
Free Beer, Tomorrow!
Why do chicken coupes only have two doors? If they had 4, it would be a sedan.
Mods: Request Topic change from "OT: Good(?) Jokes" to "OT: Dad Jokes". That would be much more appropriate.
I still send my adult daughters a joke every day. This is a gold mine.
From facebook:
Girl #1: I'm not doing very well on my diet. I had eggs for breakfast this morning.
Girl #2: That's not so bad. What were they, scrambled?
Girl #1: Nope, Cadbury.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it'd be aRgh, but you'd be wrong, his first love be the C.
Compliments of Alexa...
what was the last thing in the bug's mind when it hit the windshield?
his butt
What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
His teeth.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
Mother Teresa had just died and gone up to heaven. When she gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter recognizes her and calls her to the front to welcome her in. He personally gives her a tour of the place, she gets her halo. St Peter says, the holier thou art in life, the larger your halo. Mother Teresa sees that it is a very large and luminous one.
Soon, they meet Princess Diana. Teresa and Diana reminisce on their charity work throughout the world, and after a long talk, Diana excuses herself, so St. Peter could show Mother Teresa around more.
After a short walk, Mother Teresa turns to St. Peter and says, "I don't mean to sound petty or unappreciative, but I understand she did great works around the world, but I devoted my life to Christ. How is it that her halo is so much bigger than mine?"
St. Peter thinks for a second then retorts, "That's not a halo, that's a steering wheel!"
the irony of this joke is as rich as the punchline. well played
Jesus Christ lmao
That's fucked, poor taste for this thread just gotta say
Two old ladies in poor health sitting on a park bench. All of a sudden a streaker runs up and exposes himself. One of the old ladies had a stroke.... the other one missed.
Sorry, my grandma told me that one, so it is appropriate.... right? :D
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in the trees?
Because they're really, really good at it
Every Friday, we have an all officer's meeting, and to kick it off, the new guy has to tell a joke. Some highlights:
What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?
-Kicked out of the petting zoo.
What do elephants and milk have in common?
-They both come in quarts. (This joke got us in trouble, so of course the next week, the next joke was told)
What do you do if you come across an elephant?
-Apologize and wipe it off
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a hospital?
-Hey man, I just fly the drone
What's the hardest part about telling ISIS jokes?
-You really gotta nail the execution
What's the difference between a hedgehog and an F-18?
- With a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
And finally, this one was told because a member of the audience played for Navy and married an Academy cheerleader, told right after Navy lost to Army again:
What do the academy football team and their cheerleaders have in common?
-They both suck for four quarters.
The drone and F-18 jokes got me.
I can't stop laughing at the drone one. My wife says that makes me a bad person.
this one made laugh quite a bit in a very quiet office. thank you
What do prostitutes put on their Christmas trees?
Whorenaments.
I remember once in Hokie House, someone yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" and I shouted back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everybody laughed. Except this one guy.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
I have my two favorites:
Have you ever been driving down the road and see crows pecking at a dead animal, and as you get closer, the crows fly off? Ever wonder why? There's another crow in a tree yelling "Car, car, car!!"
2nd one is PG-13
Two old men are sitting on a park bench. A dog walks up to them, sits, and proceeds to lick himself on his junk.
One old man says "Man, I wish I could do that".
The other replies "He'll biiiite youuuuu....."
Three old women are on their morning walk on a nature trail when they come across a drunk man passed out, naked, in the bushes with only his lower half visible.
The first woman says, "How disgusting! At least it's not my husband."
The second woman says, "You're right and it's not my husband, either."
The third woman takes a long look and exclaims, "He's not my husband. In fact, he's not even from our town!"
What is a whale's favorite game?
"Swallow" the leader.
Dad jokes >>>
Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
What do an Alabama fan and an Auburn fan have in common?
Neither went to Alabama.
UNC/NCState could slide into this as well...
And UF and FSU.....
A guy goes to the local watering hole with his dog. The bartender wouldn't let him in with the dog but the man pleaded, exclaiming:
"But the dog does tricks, he's fun to have in the bar!"
The bartender replied:
"yeah? what kind of tricks?"
To which the man explained:
"Well, he loves college football and every week we watch UVa and Virginia Tech football games. Whenever Virginia Tech wins he runs back and forth along the bar on his hind legs. Whenever UVa wins he runs back and forth along the bar on his front legs."
The bartender agrees to let the dog into the bar and after some time realizes that at some point the two schools play each other, so he asks:
"So what happens when UVa and Virginia Tech play each other?"
The man responds:
"When Virginia Tech wins the dog does back flips back and forth along the bar!!"
The bartender, impressed, replies:
"So what does he do when UVa wins?"
The man pauses for a moment, pensively, before replying:
"Well, I don't know. The dog's only 14 years old!"
I learned this joke about 5 or 6 years ago. It has aged well :)
Bronco Mendenhall.
Two California blondes are studying geography and one asks, "What is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The second one responds, "Duuuuhhh! Can you see Florida?"
A blonde goes to the doc b/c she's feeling sick.
Doc tells her "I ran some tests....and it seems that you're pregnant!"
Blonde replies "OMG, are you sure that it's mine?!"
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. Bartender is hesitant to allow it, but the guy assures him that he's tame and will just sit on his shoulder. He orders a beer, drinks it, eats some peanuts, then orders another brewski. About halfway thru the second beer, the cue ball from the pool table gets hit onto the floor. The monkey hears this, jumps down, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole! The bartender is in a snit, and kicks the man and his monkey out.
As he is leaving, the bartender yells "You better bring me another cue ball, that's the only one we have!!!"
A few days go by, and the guy walks into the bar, again. He has the cue ball in his hand and the monkey on his shoulder. The bartender isn't having it and refuses to let them in. The guy offers to buy a round for the house, and promises the monkey will behave this time. Promises. The bartender reluctantly allows it and pours beers for all the current patrons. After a few minutes, the monkey does jump off his shoulder onto the bar. He walks over the peanut bowl. Grabs one, looks at it, and shoves it up his butt. Then he eats it. This happens a few times before the bartender realizes what's going on and comes over yelling at the guy. "We can't have that in here! What is he doing?!!" The guy tells him it's alright..."It's ok, he's just hungry. And ever since he passed the cue ball, he sizes everything."
Being a new dad, there are a lot of dad jokes on here for the repertoire! Thanks TKP!
How do you get an old lady to yell f$%k?
Get another old lady to yell BINGO!
This one made me snort. Well done.
For some social experiment an Engineer, A Physicist, and A Mathematician are each locked in a small room with more than enough canned food to last them a month, but no can opener. Upon returning a month later, the door to the Engineer's room was opened and it was discovered that he was not there. He had blasted a hole in the wall using a explosive created from some pocket lent, aluminum shavings, and other random pocket items. When the door to the physicists room was opened it was discovered that he had identified the exact angle to strike the edge of the lid to pop it open, and was working on his throwing arm. When the door to the mathematicians room was opened he was found deceased on the floor and scribbled in his own blood was: "If I open the cans, I will be able to eat and live. Proof by contradiction; assume the opposite is also true."
Why doesn't VCU have a football team?
UVa would get mad and want one too.
What's red and smells like paint?
red paint.
Blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Reaches down and grabs the dog by the hind legs and starts swinging him around in circles. Bartender yells at him "Whatcha doin' buddy?".
"Just having a look around", the guy replied.
Why did the guy start a deer cloning business?
He just wanted to make a buck.
Some friends and I were tailgating for the Tech-UNC game in Chapel Hill a few years ago. The whole roof of this parking garage was maroon and orange. It was glorious. And a guy in his 60s in a Tech polo wanders over to our tailgate, and doesn't introduce himself, just asks a question.
"Did you know that 10% of UVA undergrads have hemorrhoids?"
"Uh... no..." we reply.
"Yep, the other 90% are perfect assholes."
And then he walked away...
I laughed out loud at my desk
OMG, same.
Same. And I can't repeat it where I work amongst a bunch of Hoos.
Guy walks into a chat room and looks a around hum he thinks....must be off season
Chat room? Are we sure it wasn't a bulletin board? Maybe an ICQ channel? Something something darpanet...
OLD SCHOOL!
Why did Helen Keller play piano left handed?
She sang better with her right.
This is fantastic.........
Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?.....neither did she.
What do bad chickens lay?
Deviled eggs
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
Because if it were anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
Why is orange the official color of the Tennessee Volunteers? So their fans can where the same clothes to the game on Saturday, to go hunting on Sunday, and to pick up trash along the highway the rest of the week.
Here's a true story. So at Tech my senior year we teamed up with the UVA engineering program for our Scram Jet Senior design project. The UVA engineers were tasked to come up with ideas on how to bring a scram jet back to earth after it had exhausted all it's fuel, and present their ideas in a cute power point presentation. VT's engineers were tasked to build a Scram Jet.
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, place green peas around the hole.
When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone...
...you cant hear an enzyme
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
sister joke
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
Why don't people like sausage jokes?
They're the wurst.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
You don't have to pay $20 to have a lentil on your face
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's butt?
A mechanic.
Kid knocks on the door and asks Mrs. Mcgillacuddy if Jimmy could come play baseball. She says but Willie, you know Jimmy has no arms or legs. 'S OK Mrs. M sez Willie, we just need him to play third base.