Hello. Welcome to the last regular season "Foe"Rensics. While the chance still exists for us to have one more edition before the bowl game, we find ourselves in the unique position of rooting for Duke to lose in order to make it. That feels very weird to me. I'd prefer to focus on this: we have before us an opportunity to help LOLUVA finish their conference season 0-8. Whatever happens in the Duke-UNC game, being the final nail in a winless conference season for the Hoos would warm my soul.
In fact, I think now is the time to remind everyone that LOLUVA Athletic Director Craig Littlepage may not do the right thing without the appropriate level of public outcry. He may be swayed by the nine game losing streak or the dwindli...continued lack of attendance. But, and I feel this in my heart, that would be a mistake. I think it's time to resurrect an old campaign, but change the target slightly. Everybody, join me in saying:
We may not see a Fuller at QB this season, but #DontFireMikeLondon can succeed!
1. So what happened last game?
A. Last weekend was a bye week, let's move on.
2. Uh, that's not what I meant. We played Maryland two weeks ago, right?
A. /mumbles
3. WHAT?
A. WE LOST TO MARYLAND, OK? We...deep breath...we lost to Maryland. And they B1G next year, so our chance at vengeance will likely never come. Which, normally, I think we'd all celebrate avoiding a return trip to College Park, but taking an L in the last game against anyone, particularly Randy Edsall, just kills me inside. We had serious trouble accounting for quarterback C.J. Brown scrambling, which, frankly, you'd THINK the alma mater of Michael Vick, Bryan Randall, and Tyrod Taylor would be somewhat equipped to handle.
4. Okay, let's move on. Who's up next?
A. This week we take on the vaunted Cavaliers1 of the University of Virginia, or LOLUVA as their football program is commonly known. LOLUVA was originally founded with a particular focus on children's entertainment television, and indeed, much like Dora or the Wiggles, they ensure their students and alumni are extremely annoying to anyone over the age of five2. While Thomas Jefferson founded them with the intention of educating independent, agrarian thinking men, it ended up veering sharply into elitism and snobbery. In fact, you could argue that a land grant university with a diverse range of acclaimed programs from agriculture to engineering to the veterinary school more closely embodies the ideals of LOLUVA's founder. I mean, you could try explaining that to a Hoo, but you'd have to pull their head out of Jefferson's ass first, no easy feat.
LOLUVA has taken as its mascot the Cavalier, named for a group of Royalists who fought for the British King during the English Civil War, and dressed it rather...flamboyantly. If you'll recall, the Colonial Army led by George Washington had to fight a long, arduous war against overwhelming odds to rid ourselves of the yoke of the British Monarchy, so, from a certain perspective, you could say that LOLUVA celebrates anti-Americanism with a giant plumed hat.
Early Cavaliers. Yep, this seems about right.
Luckily, the LOLUVA Cavalier has evolved into this:
Oh dear.
Alternatively, LOLUVA identifies itself with a fish, the wahoo, which has something called an anal fin. That sounds about right, too.
5. I don't want to know what that is. Have they at least done something to contribute positively to the world?
A. Well, let's run down the list of notable alumni:
- John Harkes - Former US Soccer player, named "Captain For Life" of the US team before it came out that he banged his teammate's wife and was subsequently dropped from the World Cup roster for douchebaggery.
- Tiki Barber - Left his 8 month pregnant wife for the intern he was banging on the side and has, throughout his career, been reliably the worst teammate on the planet
- That one guy from Dave Matthews Band and dear God I would probably cut off a finger if it would guarantee I'd never hear a song from that band again.
- Ralph Wilson, founder of the Buffalo Bills franchise, which he apparently saddled with the luck of his college's team
- Julien Green, an American who wrote, fittingly, primarily in French and had the modesty to keep his autobiography to only four (4!!) volumes
- And, of course, their esteemed founder Thomas Jefferson, who wrote the Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions which promoted nullification and laid the foundations of the political struggle that would eventually develop into the Civil War. Thanks for that. Also, at some point, association with Jefferson (though not necessarily his fault) triggered some innate sense of entitlement and condescension in students at LOLUVA towards the peers and that well may be his worst legacy.
6. Oh my, that is awful. Is there any way we can shut down the school before they do more harm?
A. Uh, you remember that annoying guy in high school who popped the collar on his polos and brought wine to keg parties in the BMW daddy bought for him? Do you really want to risk that guy applying to Tech?
7. Good point. Duke is pretty small, couldn't handle the overflow. Do they have a football team?
A. Not really. LOLUVA has nominally fielded a team since 1888, but in 125 years has won two conference championships, both shared. You can also arrive at this number by halving the number of conference championships Virginia Tech has won during our ten years in the ACC. They have frequently been held back by pompous asses in charge of the school that have asserted that academic success cannot coincide with a focus on athletics3. Then president of LOLUVA Colgate Darden4 even argued against joining the ACC in 1953, which, one could argue, didn't focus on football until they let FSU join in the 1990s.
Speaking of the ACC, LOLUVA didn't exactly start strongly in the conference, failing to post a winning conference record until 1968, their 15th season in the conference. During that time, they also have the honor of the second longest losing streak in NCAA history, dropping 28 straight. They later commemorated their 1968 winning season with their second winning conference record in their 30th year in the league, 1984.
8. It took them 30 years to post two winning conference records? In the ACC?
A. Yep.
9. Yeesh.
A. Yeah, it's pretty sad up there.
10. Now I'm sort of impressed they still field a team. Tell me about their roster.
A. I'd like to start with Rijo Walker who shares a common trait with recent LOLUVA alum Anthony Mihota: their younger brothers both committed to play at Virginia Tech next year.
11. Man, can you imagine Frank ever letting a Fuller or an Edmunds or ANY player's little brother with a shred of talent playing in Hooville?
A. Nope. But it appears Rijo and Anthony at least learned enough to set their brothers straight. Carrying on, they have an Izod catalogue of preppy named players, highlighted by backup quarterback Greyson Lambert (who apparently will play against us, hurray!), Dartmouth transfer R.C. Willenbrock and my personal favorite, BLAKE BLAZE. I would also STRONGLY recommend that, in light of what the Maryland QB did to us, we immediately take out RS Freshman CB C.J. Moore. Just in case it's a 'C.J.' thing. Lastly, I found Canaan Severin on their roster, who I'm pretty sure is the guy from House Slytherin.
R.C. and BLAKE BLAZE really embody the Jeffersonian ideal.
12. Any Fullers?
A. That's a joke, right? Did any of Private Ryan's brothers fight for the Germans?
13. Good point. Also a good excuse to link to this:
A. Ah, thanks for that. One last point on the roster, which is a genuine concern for me. If you take a look at their coaching staff, they have two young graduate assistants whose names you may recognize. The first, Tommy Reamon Jr, is the son of Michael Vick's high school coach. Tommy Jr played at ODU, but it seems Mike London is trying to cheat-code his way to some 757 recruits. Also, you may recognize the name Jonathan Lewis. He was a standout defensive tackle for us from 2002-2005 and, the worst part is, he played alongside his brother Kevin. He's part of the recruiting brothers tradition we have. WHAT IF HE TELLS LONDON ABOUT IT AND THEY TRY TO START DOING IT?!
14. Hahahaha, you talk as if Mike London will be employed there in two years. Now, tell me about their rivalries.
A. Oh, touche. Actually, in previous weeks we've already covered their "rivalries" with MD (nobody cares) and UNC (perennial pillow fight over argyle). The only remaining rivalry (and I use that term loosely) is with us. Let's review:
l will grant that LOLUVA won the first eight matchups (all before Woodrow Wilson was president). After that it's been pretty much downhill for them. LOLUVA likes to tout their "academic superiority" to mask the fact they haven't beaten us in back-to-back years since Bill Clinton was President. Or that they have never beaten us as an ACC opponent. Or that Virginia Tech students started a website with the sole purpose of preventing LOLUVA from firing their last coach because he was so awful.
But what I want you to think of is the children. There are 4th graders all across the country, NAY THE WORLD, who have NEVER seen LOLUVA beat us at football. IN THEIR LIVES. I mean, are we going to get some kind of infomercial with Ashley Judd or Sarah McLachlan asking us to donate to help the needy children if it ever does happen again?
15. That would be awful. So I'm going to Scott Stadium. Where should I eat?
A. PLEASE. Refer to it by its proper name, Lane Stadium North. And while I have witnessed multiple victories from the hill in their stadium, I do not have much in the way of restaurant recommendations, save one. If you've never heard, Hoos are pretty obnoxious about their campus and rotunda for some reason (maybe they've never seen Tech's campus?) and the area just across from the entrance to campus is "The Corner". There is now a pub there, Trinity On the Corner, which, during the weekends LOLUVA hosted Oregon and VMI, had these on display.
A bar LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET from campus was taunting them. Would TOTS ever do this? No. They would not.
For no other reason than this, Trinity deserves our business. But, for form's sake, let's take a look at some reviews:
Davey F on Yelp said:
"don't be fooled, there's nothing "irish" about this place. okay, they listed curry and chips on the menu... but had no curry sauce."
Uh, Davey, not sure if you are overly familiar with standard Irish fare. Think cabbage and potatoes.
Scott from Yelp said:
"The guineas was great. I had the trinity Grill Cheeze - I was looking for something light but Zesty and this grilled cheese included tomato, bacon, on the sandwich. But, the bread was super thick and overwhelming for the sandwich. And I should've known better as the tomatoes are out of season. So, I won't be ordering that again if I want a light and flavorful Cheeze explosion."
What the hell is guineas? Were you eating adorable rodents there?! What the hell is wrong with you? Also, not exactly sure what a "Cheeze explosion" would be, but sounds like something Cartman eats.
Lastly, if someone in the area has a Virginia Tech flag, I would like to see if we can get them to put it up this weekend and get pictures. Because that would also make me happy.
16. Flag taunting. I like your style. Barbecue?
A. For barbecue, I'm going to suggest Jinx's Pit's Top Barbeque, which has potentially the top pair of user reviews we've done here:
A Google User puts it: "YES."
M'kay.
R.D from Yelp says: "The place is very run down but Jinx is very nice and well-meaning"
Which is maybe my favorite backhanded compliment in a restaurant review ever. I mean, what else do you look for in a restaurant than an owner that tries real hard? However, I will say that "very run down" was probably the nicest description of the place. Most of the reviewers (after warning about tetanus) were very enthusiastic about the food, which is all that matters.
Most importantly, I'd like to strongly suggest that you get your barbecue to go and have a nice picnic. There is a lovely meadow on campus that you'll be quite undisturbed at. It is a place of quiet solitude, although occasionally they do play some intramural/powder puff football there. If that happens, see if you can sneak into the surrounding amphitheater, which they actually bar people from entering during these events. I will warn you that Coach Beamer likes to hold a celebratory party there every other year, so if you're going around Thanksgiving, it might be full of Hokies.
There are more VTs on this field than LOLUVA had fans at their spring game
17. Glorious! Since this is the last regular season game, how's the COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS going?
A. Luckily for Torrian Gray, Brandon Facyson saved his job by coming up with the first pick in three games, though the Fullers were unable to snag a ball. On the offensive side, Logan continues to be stingy with his passes and only completed passes to our team5. This week his Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINT count remains at FIVE. Now that we are bowl eligible, this leaves him ZERO interceptions that he can throw in the remaining 2 (or 3) games.
But to touch on one thing, this is the last regular season game of his senior year, and Kyle Fuller (and, it appears, Antone Exum) will not be playing. Kyle's got a 4-6 week recovery schedule from surgery so, essentially, the later our bowl game is, the likelier he is to play. Keep that in mind on Saturday, folks.
18. Alright, how about the RAGE MATCH?
A. This was another game where our defensive line played well but lost the bubble on C.J. Brown a few times which was pretty much the only way Maryland was able to generate offense. Also, since none of our defenders particularly stood out, I'm going to step back from the line and award the rage match to Tariq Edwards, who had a sack, another one and half tackles for a loss and a fumble return for a touchdown that the asshat refs took away from him. Still pissed about that.
19. So what should we watch for this weekend?
A. Aside from making sure no one spills Zima on your game day apparel:
- There is only one Fuller left. And he must carry the burden by picking off six passes.
- Mike London, in his infinite wisdom, has committed to playing pocket passer Greyson Lambert more this week, giving the more mobile David Watford some rest. Not sure if he watched the Pitt video, but that's pretty much the exact opposite of how you attack our defense successfully.6
- To see if they can just FEED TREY THE DAMN ROCK.
- To see if the Hoos do another Orange Effect so we can wear maroon and make it look (even more) like a home game for us.
- How early in the game the cameras give us a pan of an empty student section.
That's all for LOLUVA. Let's hope we get to do one of these next week for Florida State!
1Nobody actually vaunts them but themselves
2Their football team also lost a game to the Wiggles one year, who are five Australians who don't understand the rules of football.
3 I'm sure UCLA basketball and Michigan football are nodding knowingly at this.
4Seriously, his name was Colgate.
5I'm sure Logan just heard the footsteps of the #AnyFullerForQB campaign and was FORCED to up his game.
6Mike London coaching is like getting driving directions from my wife. Ask, then do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what they tell you.
Comments
Love these posts....just one thing...
Sorry but DMB is awesome...especially live. Anyhoo....LETS GO HOKIES!!!!!!!
Meh, like TheFifthFuller I'm not a fan of their music either
I have to admit, the concert that DMB put on in Lane Stadium actually ranks as one of the best I've been to. The entire crowd singing along to "Three Little Birds" still tears me up a little.
Clip:
Full Version:
Three Little Birds by Dave Matthews Band on Grooveshark
I would have dave matthews babies. Been a huge fan since mid 90's. I will admit though their old stuff is much better. But damn they can rock out. His lyrics are very powerful as well.
Saw him in Hershey, PA this past summer- it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to.
Grew up outside of Charlottesville, so i've always been a DMB fan.
They put on a great live show. I've been listening to them since about '94. "Remember Two Things" still ranks among my favorite albums of all time (that includes all artists, not just DMB). Their rare B-sides like "Recently" and "Halloween" are also epic.
When they came to VT, I sort of assumed they'd play half a set and peace out, but the fact that they played a full set (and then some) was really impressive and I was very grateful. That concert was amazing.
Hm. I don't remember having that conversation.
You were drunk.
My first concert was in 1998 in Roanoke at the now destroyed victory stadium. It was the first show after Before these Crowded Streets came out. I was also at the concert in the Lane. I actually have that full concert on my ipod.
Very awesome show. Back in the very early 90's they played at frat parties in blacksburg. Would love to get a
copy of one of those shows.
Check out dreamingtree.org - I don't know about frat parties, but nearly every DMB show they've done has been recorded by someone and you can download them via torrents. The band has always encouraged it, so long as it is done for free. I have all of their concerts that I've been to; the one in Lane was posted 24 hr after it happened, which amazed me. The quality of many of the recordings is excellent, almost professional quality.
I use to trade shows with people about 12 yrs ago. Still have all of them on CD. I probably have
about 100 shows on CD. That was a fun hobby for awhile. I also have collections of "rarities" that were
never recorded in studio. Good stuff!! I need to break that shit out LOL
i'm old. i saw dmb, my freshman yr in college at one of the fraternity houses a few times.
i don't remember them, the shit ton of beer i drank or me getting the heisman with the ladies those nights. i'm sure all of those events happened.
Haven't read it yet, but now I'm ready.
Bad news guys, I think Derrick Hopkins was in Pennsylvania this morning. I found tracks in the snow
After the game, Steve Fairchild will travel the country giving lectures about the mystical beast that destroyed his offensive line...and ate his quarterback(s)
This makes my Thanksgiving Eve complete - FifthFuller - you rock, sir, you rock.
I'll put a flag up at the Corner- no worries.
Thank you for #6 - that will be my "this is what I'm thankful for" answer at Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. You are AWeSOME!!! #DontFireMikeLondon
Great post!!
Ok, as I read this, I think (yes, that's my first error), perhaps we need to organize a tailgate for the Spring game at Lane Stadium North.
Wouldn't that be a blast with a bunch of Hokies up there at the spring game singing Stick It In, Stick It In and Let's Go....Hokies.
I think we should go the Full Monty on the Vs painted all over Charlotteshole. Each and every one needs a T to accompany it. :)
I think we should put a Horse on a Treadmill Shirt on the Jefferson Statue.
Joe? Thoughts?
My understanding is that this was done after the 1997 game to all the Vs painted on Rugby Road and also that someone stole one of the Barber twins' letter jacket at a bar after the game. If it was Tiki, that's fine, but Ronde seemed okay.
Just to beat the Hoos to it, they refer to it as the grounds, not a campus.
Even more reason...
Gold, just pure perfect gold.
I read this and was like
So I want to give you this
And on Saturday I'm gonna be like
And when we win I'll be like
**This post brought to you by the city of Pawnee, Indiana**
This was great. Parks and Rec is great. +1 (but I wish I could do more)
I just sent Pawnee a small check. Because they deserve credit for hiring a genius.
Brilliant, hilarious work as always!
I hear the coaching staff in Hooville get along well!
I think Trinity maybe deserving of my patronage.
The part about saving private Ryan had me in tears.... I am still laughing as I type
I heard Mike London tried to pull over Sam Rogers, but Sam Rogers kept on driving. The result was a 38-0 beat down.
holy shit, this was great. bad ass bro.
As a resident of C'ville, I have to really warn everyone from going to Jinx's. Terrible, terrible place. If you want good BBQ, go to Ace's or Belmont. There is nothing good about Jinx or Jinx's. Nothing. It's worse than UVA football.
On a side note, when I ask my 3-year old how to spell "stinky", he says "U... V... A". I love that little guy.
Agreed. ...Belmont bbq would be my choice. Not the easiest place to find if you're not familiar with the east side of hooville, but worth looking up. Several sauces, including a pretty good vinegar sauce.
Need to take note. Perhaps a post game destination...
Thanks, appreciate that. Is the good bad or just the place itself? Because everyone was pretty consistent in their reviews that you could get hepatitis just walking in, but seemed generally positive about the food.
this. this. a million times this.