I made one up on the fly after getting my bald head sunburned last weekend. When it started flaking off I went up to my wife and said, "I know you might find me good looking, but some women might find me quite.....a peeling," as I bent down and showed her the top of my head.
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I have been at my sister's cabin with family. It is a great place for family time but most of the time has only the cell signal strength is only a single bar. First off, thanks to Dmhbeaver for pick up my slack and getting a new thread started.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure it is the best ceiling in the world, but it is right up there.
What do you get hanging from an apple trees?
Answer: Sore arms
Who did the wizard marry?
Answer: His ghoul-friend
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The Egyptian government has instructed taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their horns, in hopes that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic.
Operation Toot-n-Calm-em will last for one week.
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A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
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Adapted from the Laughs and Groans Dad App:
A weasel walked into a bar to get a drink. The bartender said, "Wow, I have never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
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From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
Did you know that you should always take a extra pair of pants with you when golfing? Why? Just in case you get a hole in one.
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Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay, practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges they come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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ok, but what are we going to do about the HD and SD reindeer-car collisions? https://t.co/ly0ywORSTM— STICK T😷 S😷CIAL DISTANCING (@OhHerro) July 21, 2020
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A lady named Lou Ann Wu
Accomplished what few can do
When she first began to sneeze
She said, "Isolation, please!
Go away! I've got the flu, man! Shoo!"
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Ironically, the most attractive woman I may have ever personally known in my entire life was named Liana Wu. (Lee-Ann-uh) Wu. Very bright and pleasant woman too.
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Some people behind my neighborhood own a lot of property, and they have a horse and a donkey, which always hang out together.
One day, driving by, I pointed out that they weren't together, they were on separate sides of the property.
And my wife responded "Maybe the donkey was being an ass"
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The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU..."
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From
the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
If you are struggling trying to come up with a Christmas gift, just give them a refrigerator and watch their face light up when they open it.
(This one sounds familiar. It maybe a repeat)
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Comments
John: " There are seven morons: do, re fa, sol, la, ti, and do."
Mark: "What about mi?"
John: "You're right. I forgot about you; there are eight morons."
Dad Joke Calendar, 1 July:
Q: What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
A: It can look round.
And to answer your question....YES!
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple
Son: Dad, what's that burger?
Dad: It's a Whopper.
Son: Can I have one, dad?
Dad: Sure, here's a Whopper, Junior.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
Sits up wondering if there really is a dog.
I made one up on the fly after getting my bald head sunburned last weekend. When it started flaking off I went up to my wife and said, "I know you might find me good looking, but some women might find me quite.....a peeling," as I bent down and showed her the top of my head.
Dad Joke Calendar, 2 July:
If you make vlogs, does that make you a vlumberjack?
So a guy gave his friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Teacher: "Class does anyone know what is a comet?"
Little Johnny: "A what?"
Teacher: "A comet. You know what a comet is?"
Little Johnny: "No."
Teacher: "Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?"
Little Johnny: "Oh sure. Mickey Mouse.
I know what a comet is!
It'll make your teeth turn green.
Which reindeer is a dinosaurs least favorite?
Comet
Dad Joke Calendar, 3 July:
Q: What kind of photos do dentists take?
A: Tooth-pics.
Dad Joke Calendar, 4/5 July:
I hung up a copy of the U.S. Constitution on my wall. I call it the decoration of independence.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
I have been at my sister's cabin with family. It is a great place for family time but most of the time has only the cell signal strength is only a single bar. First off, thanks to Dmhbeaver for pick up my slack and getting a new thread started.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure it is the best ceiling in the world, but it is right up there.
What do you get hanging from an apple trees?
Answer: Sore arms
Who did the wizard marry?
Answer: His ghoul-friend
2014: Didn't jog.
2015: Didn't jog.
2016: Didn't jog.
2017: Didn't jog.
2018: Didn't jog.
2019: Didn't jog.
2020: Still haven't jogged.
This is a running joke.
Is it a running joke, cause it sounds like there is a severe lack of running.
P.S. Not running gets full endorsements from my knees.
Dad Joke Calendar, 6 July:
Q: What super power do you get when you become a parent?
A: Supervision.
Driving to Starbucks yesterday with the oldest:
Daughter: Mom wants a bacon gouda sandwich
Me: Mom's bacon me crazy
Daughter: don't do it
Me: she gouda gone either way with that order
Daughter: NO!
This is what Dad jokes are all about !!!!!!
True story from a couple days ago while at home.
Me: Hey, a new dad jokes thread
Wife and daughter: No, groan (eye rolls) ...
It's quite the Liberating experience
Dad Joke Calendar, 7 July:
"Dad, how do I look?"
"With your eyes."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
I decided to sell my Hoover. Why, you ask?
Well, it was just collected dust.
From Netflix series Disenchantment
Character: "I'm drowning"
Main character: "I'm Elfo"
Dad Joke Calendar, 8 July:
I sympathize with batteries. I'm never included in anything either.
What batteries does an automobile insurer like?
The Triple A.
Dad Joke Calendar, 9 July:
Q: What is sticky and brown?
A: A stick.
What's brown and sits on the piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
The first time I used a universal remote control, I thought to myself, " This changes everything!"
That's what they make you think it does.
But, It only changes the Universe.
Dad Joke Calendar, 10 July:
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
I always wondered why Spider-Man had great reflexes when attacked.
Then I realized that with great power comes great response ability.
From my sister:
His wife decided to become a whiskey maker and he loved her still.
Dad Joke Calendar, 11/12 Juliana Lievano Lievano
Q: What is a monster's favorite drink?
A: Demonade.
Dad Joke Calendar, 13 July:
I visited a school recently and was amazed by the dry-erase boards. They're remarkable.
Adapted from the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
Me and my mates are in a band we call Duvet.
We are a cover band.
The Egyptian government has instructed taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their horns, in hopes that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic.
Operation Toot-n-Calm-em will last for one week.
Dad Joke Calendar, 14 July:
Q: Where do burgers go on vacation?
A: The Swiss Alps or the Cheeseapeake Valley!
I have a certain beef with this comment.
How come your nose can't be 12 inches?
Because it would be a foot.
Why can't ants get coronavirus?
Because they have antibodies
One afternoon there was a group of tourists on tour going through an ancient castle in Europe. They were accompanied by a tour guide.
The guide said that the majestic castle was over 700 years old. He added that nothing had been altered or touched in all those years.
One of the tourists blurted out, "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!"
I understand you can't use "beef stew" as a password.
It's simply not stroganoff.
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
legs for days, well done
Dad Joke Calendar, 15 July:
I've never hunted bear, but I have been fishing in shorts.
Adapted from the Laughs and Groans Dad App:
A weasel walked into a bar to get a drink. The bartender said, "Wow, I have never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
Dad Joke Calendar, 16 July:
Q: What kind of car drives over water?
A: Any kind of car, if it's on a bridge.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
I knew that I should not have stolen a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
What lies in the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer: A nervous wreck.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
Did you know that you should always take a extra pair of pants with you when golfing? Why? Just in case you get a hole in one.
I've heard this with socks and with shirts, too.
I put socks and I put shirts on.
Still couldn't hear it.
I have to read these. What's your trick?
Saw this, had to share it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 17 July:
I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, but it was a toss-up.
I had a good one over vacation. Now I can't remember it.
They say memory is the second thing to go...
My friend said to me "What rhymes with orange"
I said, "no it doesn't."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
I just broke my guitar. It's okay, I won't fret.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
It looks like it is actually in front of the restaurant, but I gave you a leg anyway because it was clever.
(Edited for spelling, my continuous bugaboo)
Damn - giving out kegs! Need to up my TKP game and get one of those.
Edit - nevermind.
Dad Jokes Calendar, 18/19 July:
Q: Why do actors enjoy their work so much?
A: Because it's all play.
Dad Joke Calendar, 20 July:
Two melons wanted to run away and get married, but they realized they cantaloupe.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay, practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges they come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Nice twist to the story at the end except her name should have been something like Betty Sue or JoGail.
The original creator might have agreed with you. His title was: "A Redneck Marine's Letter to Home"
Dad Joke Calendar, 21 July:
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
That's more than a good arm. That's some olympic type throwing.
Shotput: 7.6 kg
Tuba: 13.6kg
Olympic record for shotput: 22.5m
I could easily throw a tuba 20 yards......if I was throwing it off the top of a cliff.
So I did the math and I think an olympic shot putter would need a 450ft cliff to accomplish this.
I think they'd need a 22.5M cliff.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
Answer: A lab-ra-ca-dab-ra-dor.
maybe y'all will appreciate this one.
That looks absolutely demonic!
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Sometimes, girls like to see my extension ladder.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
Catching up...
Dad Joke Calendar, 22 July:
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
Dad Joke Calendar, 23 July:
Q: What do you call an underwater social network?
A: Fishbook!
Dad Joke Calendar, 24 July:
I'd tell you my joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 25/26 July:
Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had loco motives!
How to fail Spanish in 3 steps:
Uno, dos, tres, four, five, six...
A lady named Lou Ann Wu
Accomplished what few can do
When she first began to sneeze
She said, "Isolation, please!
Go away! I've got the flu, man! Shoo!"
Ironically, the most attractive woman I may have ever personally known in my entire life was named Liana Wu. (Lee-Ann-uh) Wu. Very bright and pleasant woman too.
From my brother:
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Answer: A buck an ear.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
A man got hit in the head with a can of soda but he was ok because it was a soft drink.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Answer: Because they taste funny.
Um everyone knows clowns taste scary. Comedians might taste funny, though.
Fairly certain ICP tastes like orange Faygo.
Some people behind my neighborhood own a lot of property, and they have a horse and a donkey, which always hang out together.
One day, driving by, I pointed out that they weren't together, they were on separate sides of the property.
And my wife responded "Maybe the donkey was being an ass"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.
The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU..."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I'm pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought says "3-5 years" but I finished it in 18 months!
From
the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
If you are struggling trying to come up with a Christmas gift, just give them a refrigerator and watch their face light up when they open it.
(This one sounds familiar. It maybe a repeat)
From my eldest daughter:
How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
Answer: By how much he is coffin
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all kept saying "Bach Bach Bach!"
Making up for vacay time.....
Dad Joke Calendar, 27 July:
A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine, but it's okay. He has recovered.
Dad Joke Calendar, 28 July:
Q: Which is smarter, latitude or longitude?
A: Longitude, because it has 360 degrees.
Dad Joke Calendar, 29 July:
A man was admitted into the hospital because he swallowed eight plastic horses. His condition is now stable.
Dad Joke Calendar, 30 July:
Q: Why did the girl bring a ruler to bed?
A: She wanted to see how long she slept.
Dad Joke Calendar, 31 July:
My landlord has been telling me that he feels inadequate lately. I wonder if he has a complex.
"Q: Why did the girl bring a ruler to bed?"
I could see this going in any of several directions. Maybe even up or down.