Dad Jokes July Thread

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John: " There are seven morons: do, re fa, sol, la, ti, and do."

Mark: "What about mi?"

John: "You're right. I forgot about you; there are eight morons."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Dad Joke Calendar, 1 July:

Q: What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
A: It can look round.

And to answer your question....YES!

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

Son: Dad, what's that burger?

Dad: It's a Whopper.

Son: Can I have one, dad?

Dad: Sure, here's a Whopper, Junior.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

Sits up wondering if there really is a dog.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I made one up on the fly after getting my bald head sunburned last weekend. When it started flaking off I went up to my wife and said, "I know you might find me good looking, but some women might find me quite.....a peeling," as I bent down and showed her the top of my head.

Dad Joke Calendar, 2 July:

If you make vlogs, does that make you a vlumberjack?

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

So a guy gave his friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

Teacher: "Class does anyone know what is a comet?"

Little Johnny: "A what?"

Teacher: "A comet. You know what a comet is?"

Little Johnny: "No."

Teacher: "Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?"

Little Johnny: "Oh sure. Mickey Mouse.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I know what a comet is!

It'll make your teeth turn green.

Which reindeer is a dinosaurs least favorite?
Comet

There are wolves and there are sheep, I am the sheep dog

Dad Joke Calendar, 3 July:

Q: What kind of photos do dentists take?
A: Tooth-pics.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Dad Joke Calendar, 4/5 July:

I hung up a copy of the U.S. Constitution on my wall. I call it the decoration of independence.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

We put the K in Kwality

I have been at my sister's cabin with family. It is a great place for family time but most of the time has only the cell signal strength is only a single bar. First off, thanks to Dmhbeaver for pick up my slack and getting a new thread started.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure it is the best ceiling in the world, but it is right up there.

What do you get hanging from an apple trees?
Answer: Sore arms

Who did the wizard marry?
Answer: His ghoul-friend

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

2014: Didn't jog.

2015: Didn't jog.

2016: Didn't jog.

2017: Didn't jog.

2018: Didn't jog.

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Still haven't jogged.

This is a running joke.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Is it a running joke, cause it sounds like there is a severe lack of running.

P.S. Not running gets full endorsements from my knees.

Dad Joke Calendar, 6 July:

Q: What super power do you get when you become a parent?
A: Supervision.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Driving to Starbucks yesterday with the oldest:

Daughter: Mom wants a bacon gouda sandwich
Me: Mom's bacon me crazy
Daughter: don't do it
Me: she gouda gone either way with that order
Daughter: NO!

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

This is what Dad jokes are all about !!!!!!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

True story from a couple days ago while at home.

Me: Hey, a new dad jokes thread

Wife and daughter: No, groan (eye rolls) ...

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

It's quite the Liberating experience

Never Forget #1 Overall Seed UVA 54, #64 UMBC 74

Dad Joke Calendar, 7 July:

"Dad, how do I look?"
"With your eyes."

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:

I decided to sell my Hoover. Why, you ask?
Well, it was just collected dust.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From Netflix series Disenchantment

Character: "I'm drowning"

Main character: "I'm Elfo"

Never Forget #1 Overall Seed UVA 54, #64 UMBC 74

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Dad Joke Calendar, 8 July:

I sympathize with batteries. I'm never included in anything either.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

What batteries does an automobile insurer like?

The Triple A.

Dad Joke Calendar, 9 July:

Q: What is sticky and brown?
A: A stick.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

What's brown and sits on the piano bench?

Beethoven's Last Movement.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
The first time I used a universal remote control, I thought to myself, " This changes everything!"

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

That's what they make you think it does.
But, It only changes the Universe.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Dad Joke Calendar, 10 July:

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

I always wondered why Spider-Man had great reflexes when attacked.

Then I realized that with great power comes great response ability.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From my sister:
His wife decided to become a whiskey maker and he loved her still.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Dad Joke Calendar, 11/12 Juliana Lievano Lievano

Q: What is a monster's favorite drink?
A: Demonade.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Dad Joke Calendar, 13 July:

I visited a school recently and was amazed by the dry-erase boards. They're remarkable.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans Dad jokes app:
Me and my mates are in a band we call Duvet.
We are a cover band.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

The Egyptian government has instructed taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their horns, in hopes that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic.

Operation Toot-n-Calm-em will last for one week.

Never Forget #1 Overall Seed UVA 54, #64 UMBC 74

Dad Joke Calendar, 14 July:

Q: Where do burgers go on vacation?
A: The Swiss Alps or the Cheeseapeake Valley!

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

I have a certain beef with this comment.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

How come your nose can't be 12 inches?
Because it would be a foot.

Why can't ants get coronavirus?
Because they have antibodies

There are wolves and there are sheep, I am the sheep dog

One afternoon there was a group of tourists on tour going through an ancient castle in Europe. They were accompanied by a tour guide.

The guide said that the majestic castle was over 700 years old. He added that nothing had been altered or touched in all those years.

One of the tourists blurted out, "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!"

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I understand you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

It's simply not stroganoff.

HTHokie93

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

legs for days, well done

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Dad Joke Calendar, 15 July:

I've never hunted bear, but I have been fishing in shorts.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans Dad App:
A weasel walked into a bar to get a drink. The bartender said, "Wow, I have never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Dad Joke Calendar, 16 July:

Q: What kind of car drives over water?
A: Any kind of car, if it's on a bridge.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
I knew that I should not have stolen a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What lies in the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer: A nervous wreck.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
Did you know that you should always take a extra pair of pants with you when golfing? Why? Just in case you get a hole in one.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

I've heard this with socks and with shirts, too.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

I put socks and I put shirts on.
Still couldn't hear it.
I have to read these. What's your trick?

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Saw this, had to share it.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

Dad Joke Calendar, 17 July:

I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, but it was a toss-up.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

I had a good one over vacation. Now I can't remember it.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

They say memory is the second thing to go...

We put the K in Kwality

My friend said to me "What rhymes with orange"

I said, "no it doesn't."

Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
I just broke my guitar. It's okay, I won't fret.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

It looks like it is actually in front of the restaurant, but I gave you a leg anyway because it was clever.

(Edited for spelling, my continuous bugaboo)

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Damn - giving out kegs! Need to up my TKP game and get one of those.

Edit - nevermind.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own

Dad Jokes Calendar, 18/19 July:

Q: Why do actors enjoy their work so much?
A: Because it's all play.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Dad Joke Calendar, 20 July:

Two melons wanted to run away and get married, but they realized they cantaloupe.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay, practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges they come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

Nice twist to the story at the end except her name should have been something like Betty Sue or JoGail.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

The original creator might have agreed with you. His title was: "A Redneck Marine's Letter to Home"

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Dad Joke Calendar, 21 July:

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

That's more than a good arm. That's some olympic type throwing.

Shotput: 7.6 kg
Tuba: 13.6kg

Olympic record for shotput: 22.5m

I could easily throw a tuba 20 yards......if I was throwing it off the top of a cliff.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

So I did the math and I think an olympic shot putter would need a 450ft cliff to accomplish this.

I think they'd need a 22.5M cliff.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad app:
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

Answer: A lab-ra-ca-dab-ra-dor.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

maybe y'all will appreciate this one.

That looks absolutely demonic!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Sometimes, girls like to see my extension ladder.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Catching up...

Dad Joke Calendar, 22 July:

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.

Dad Joke Calendar, 23 July:

Q: What do you call an underwater social network?
A: Fishbook!

Dad Joke Calendar, 24 July:

I'd tell you my joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Dad Joke Calendar, 25/26 July:

Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had loco motives!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

How to fail Spanish in 3 steps:

Uno, dos, tres, four, five, six...

A lady named Lou Ann Wu
Accomplished what few can do
When she first began to sneeze
She said, "Isolation, please!
Go away! I've got the flu, man! Shoo!"

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Ironically, the most attractive woman I may have ever personally known in my entire life was named Liana Wu. (Lee-Ann-uh) Wu. Very bright and pleasant woman too.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

From my brother:
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?

Answer: A buck an ear.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
A man got hit in the head with a can of soda but he was ok because it was a soft drink.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why don't sharks eat clowns?

Answer: Because they taste funny.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Um everyone knows clowns taste scary. Comedians might taste funny, though.

Fairly certain ICP tastes like orange Faygo.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Some people behind my neighborhood own a lot of property, and they have a horse and a donkey, which always hang out together.
One day, driving by, I pointed out that they weren't together, they were on separate sides of the property.
And my wife responded "Maybe the donkey was being an ass"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.

If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

"Picabo, ICU..."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:

I'm pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought says "3-5 years" but I finished it in 18 months!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From
the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
If you are struggling trying to come up with a Christmas gift, just give them a refrigerator and watch their face light up when they open it.
(This one sounds familiar. It maybe a repeat)

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From my eldest daughter:
How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

Answer: By how much he is coffin

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all kept saying "Bach Bach Bach!"

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Making up for vacay time.....

Dad Joke Calendar, 27 July:

A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine, but it's okay. He has recovered.

Dad Joke Calendar, 28 July:

Q: Which is smarter, latitude or longitude?
A: Longitude, because it has 360 degrees.

Dad Joke Calendar, 29 July:

A man was admitted into the hospital because he swallowed eight plastic horses. His condition is now stable.

Dad Joke Calendar, 30 July:

Q: Why did the girl bring a ruler to bed?
A: She wanted to see how long she slept.

Dad Joke Calendar, 31 July:

My landlord has been telling me that he feels inadequate lately. I wonder if he has a complex.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

"Q: Why did the girl bring a ruler to bed?"

I could see this going in any of several directions. Maybe even up or down.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting