Since the mega-thread was abandoned for a July thread, I figure I'd make an August thread, as July is done. Put your dad jokes in here this month.
I'll start....
Dad Joke Calendar, 1/2 August:
Q: Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
A: Because the rest of the days are weakdays.
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From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
Answer: A blood orange
Did you hear the one about the guy with a broken hearing aid? Neither did he.
I never thought this would have lasted as long as it has. ******** Pun on!
I guess he missed the warning tone in his hearing aid that signaled the end of battery life.
Based on true anecdote.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
How do you steal a coat?
Answer: You jacket it.
Hmmm... feels like this would hit better minus the "it" in the punchline.
That's how I steel it.
This one was from my son:
There is a new, fast COVID-19 test going around.
First step - Take a glass and pour a good size dram of your favorite whiskey (or rum, or whatever). Hold it up to your nose and if you can smell it, you are half way there.
Second step - Toss back the whole glass and if you can taste it, you should should be good to go, i.e., you don't have COVID-19.
I tested myself nine times last night just to be sure but I woke this morning with a headache, which I understand can be another symptom, so I am going to be testing again today.
Saw on Facebook, sorry if its a repost
How did the farmer catch his wife?
He tractor down.
The large primaries on the end of the wing are called Pinion feathers. A Crow has 16 of these. A Raven has 17. So I guess the difference between a Raven and a Crow is only a matter of a pinion.
From my 11 year old:
What has 1,000 legs but cannot run?
500 pairs of pants.
Why isn't 500 pairs, 1000 pants?
I'm trying to come up with a dad joke punch line to that but, dang it, can't do it. Think I need another kid.
Say, how is the business going?
It's going ok, We are keeping steady, which is as well as can be expected.
Certainly no growth but not going out of business either.
Dad Joke Calendar, 3 August:
"Dad, why do you always bring an extra pair of socks when you go golfing?"
"In case I get a hole in one."
Golf. The game where:
You call four!
You hit an eight.
You write down a five
Did you see where one of the online porn networks is trying to have celebrities mask debate each other?
(Modified to remove political references)
Dad Joke Calendar, 4 August:
A firefighter told me my smoke detectors were too old, but they work just fine. I think he was being alarmist.
"In breaking news, The Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy."
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
"Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you."
"But mommy said you should stop drinking!"
"Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer."
"Oh, okay!"
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
My answer would be go visit New Jersey or Illinois.
Dad Joke Calendar, 5 August:
Q: What do clams do on their birthdays
A: Shellebrate!
My math teacher said I was average.
That's so mean!
I got kicked out of a flat earther discussion group for asking if the 6 foot social distancing requirements had pushed anyone over the edge...
This one isn't a groaner; it's just really bad. Sorry, but sometimes good puns are hard to find.
Two Inuits sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Dad Joke Calendar, 6 August:
I used to be a member of the secret cooking society, but they kicked me out for spilling the beans.
VT student #1: If this is Milwaukee's Best, what's Milwaukee's worst?
VT student #2: Milwaukee's Best Light.
(True conversation from the late 1980s)
The two students from the 80s had not yet met... Beast Ice...
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
How do you fix a broken pizza?
Answer: You use tomato paste.
"What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but lightning kills for free."
Dad Joke Calendar, Friday 7 August:
Q: Who makes a million dollars in a day?
A: Someone who works in a mint.
Dad Joke Calendar, Sat/Sun 8/9 August:
My friend asked to hear a potassium joke. I said, "K."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that blew up? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Dad Joke Calendar, 10 August:
Q: What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A: A herring aid!
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos.
Regular Oreos should be called diet Oreos.
#coldhardfacts
Dad Joke Calendar, 11 August:
Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
Adapted from the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Atheists of America is a a non-prophet organization.
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
The line for the checkout register had an "X" on the floor with a sign that said "Stand Here". I've seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that one!
Dad Joke Calendar, 12 August:
Q: What's the largest pan in the world?
A: Japan.
"Borrowed" from Jeff MacNelly's Shoe strip:
Rabi, "I'm holding a special service just for seniors."
Shoe, " So Rabi, you're going grey at the temple?"
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
So the man was Christopher Walken?
William Shatner
Adapted From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I've been reading a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down ... and uplifting ... and ethereal ... but makes me light-headed.
Dad Joke Calendar, 13 August:
Q: "Dad, why are you standing outside?"
A: "So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding."
Dad Joke Calendar, 14 August:
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician. They can go on about it forever.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Do you know why you should never trust a pig with a secret?
Answer: They will always squeal. 😉
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Dad Joke Calendar, 15/16 August:
Q: What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
A: One with no spooks in it.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What's the hardest part of skydiving?
Answer: The ground.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Patient: The good news, please.
Doctor: Well, you're going to be famous. We are naming a disease after you.
Seniors are the nations leading carriers of aids:
Hearing Aids
Band Aids
Rol Aids
Walking Aids
Medical Aids
Governmental Aids
And, most of all:
Monetary Aids to their kids
Dad Joke Calendar, 17 August:
Orion's belt is a big waist of space.
Can so totally confirm this. Although 1 knee tore up in the late 20s.
Dad Joke Calendar, 18 August:
Q: What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
A: The first letter.
Dad Joke Calendar, 19 August:
I passed a cabinet maker's truck. Its side said "Counter Fitters".
Not exactly "dad jokes" but hopefully people will enjoy them. Background: I was writing up a lunch and learn-style seminar several months ago on the drug approval process. Focuses on FDA approval for novel products, but at the end I touch on other areas like how it differs for drugs that are variations of existing ones, medical devices, US vs. ex-US approval process, etc. Anyway, was reading an article on US vs. EU that I just couldn't take seriously as it is too hard to not crack up. Very first line is:
"Regulation of the development and dissemination of medical drugs and/or devices ..." which they then abbreviate as "DADs."
Still on the first page, we have such gems as:
"Controversy persists about the differences in US and EU regulatory processes, costs, and time it can take for a DAD to proceed from concept to approval ..."
"A frequently held assertion is that slower FDA approval processes deprive American citizens of effective DADs that are available to Europeans ..."
"In the EU, concerns abound that DADs may be approved too quickly ..."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
It was the invention of the wheel that really got things rolling.
Remember the best angle to approach a problem is the "try" angle.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
Answer: He was too far out, man!
Dad Joke Calendar, 20 August:
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn't be more delighted.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."
Dad Joke Calendar, 21 August:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In prism.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why does Waldo always wears stripes?
Answer: Because he does not want to be spotted.
I live on a lake and like to spend my evenings sitting out on the deck with a drink. Recently, though, the geese have been relentlessly attacking my dog everytime we go out and I have to fight them off.
I guess that's what I get for having a full-bread dog.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
Answer: A spelling bee!
On Friday my wife and I had a day off and went to a home decor store looking for a new couch/chairs. We're browsing and come across the aisle with all the mirrors. I turn to be wife and say, "I can definitely see myself in this aisle."
I got an epic eyeroll from the wife and groans from every other woman in earshot.
This alone is worth a leg. Take it, my man.
Smoking will kill you
Bacon will kill you
Smoking bacon cures it
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What do you call an old snowman?
Answer: Water
Remind me of my sons favorite:
What do you call a snowman with a tan?
A puddle.
I'm gonna tell him.
Don't you dare!
Another one from my 11 year old.
I told the head of my local Flat Earth Society that we were moving and I'd have to leave the group.
Then was puzzled when he sad, 'Oh don't worry. We have chapters all over the globe.'
Why does basic science research have to be so hard?
Because if it was easy, it would be called "search" instead of "research".
Dad Joke Calendar, 22/23 August:
Did you hear about the fortune-teller's vacation? She went to Palm Beach.
Dad Joke Calendar, 24 August:
Q: Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
A: Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a Ham Bush!
I wanted to name my son, Lance. But my wife said it was too uncommon. I told her that in medieval times, people were named Lance, a lot.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What do do when you see a space man.
Answer: You park your car, man.
Holey
cowDalmatian!I had a joke about paper, but it was tearable.
I laughed so much at this, thank you!
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.
When I woke up this morning, I was exhausted.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia. He said, "Go ahead and knock yourself out."
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. . . And the bartender got really sad because he realized his life was a joke.
not really a dad joke, but glorious so I'm sharing it anyway:
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What did the scarf say to the hat?
Answer: You go on ahead. I'm going to hang around a bit longer.
A shepherd was putting his flock in a pen for the night and his dog says, "That's all of 'em, boss, 50 sheep."
The shepherd says, "50? We only have 46."
The dog replies, "You told me to round them up!"
A poem from my time with my dear departed Dad who recited it numerous times to make us giggle:
Little Willie from the mirror licked the mercury all off,
Thinking in his childish error it would cure the Whooping cough.
Said the preacher as they laid poor Willie in the ground,
'Twas a chilly day for Willie when the mercury went down!
From my son:
Odysseus, "Now we set out on our Odyssey."
Sailor, raising his hand, "What is an Odyssey?"
Odysseus, "It is a long journey named after the only survivor."
Sailor, "Well okay, then. Wait! What?"
.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
Answer: It gets toad!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Answer: Make me one with everything.
From the Laughs And Groans Dad Jokes app:
I've deleted all the numbers of my German friends from my I-phone, so I my phone is entirely Hans free.
I have loved these Dad Jokes, but as I said on an earlier post, as of 01SEP20, I intend to "retire" from this thread in honor of the football season.
Thank you for all of the good work my man.
What did the buffalo dad say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.
A man is heading home from work one day and stops to buy his wife a bottle of wine, as it was their wedding anniversary. As he's heading home from the store, he sees an old man walking on the roadside carrying a gas can.
He stops and offers a ride, which the old man gladly accepts. As they're driving along, the old man notices the bottle of wine.
"What's the wine for?" He asks.
"Oh, I got it for my wife." the driver answers.
The old man nods approvingly, "Hm. Good trade."
Actually, I have a great wife, but had to post 1 more joke to say goodbye.