"Foe"Rensics: East Carolina Part Deux

Hello. Welcome to "Foe"Rensics, the most valuable educational resource on the world wide web. Since we covered East Carolina last year, it makes no sense to do the whole thing over again. So, of course, we will, except with a modified landing.

1. Tell me what happened last week.

A. I feel like the only way I can effectively recap Saturday night is through song:

Everything is indeed, awesome

Seriously, I was so pumped up, I told Mrs. Fifth Fuller at least two dozen times last week that we were going to beat anOSU and then we played like that. WE were the team that took a punch in the 4th quarter and then threw one right back, HARDER. WE were the team that MADE the gut punch interception to end any hope of a comeback. For the first time in a long time, I felt confident the entire game that we would respond to any adversity and perform and those boys didn't let me down. I'm so happy right now.

2. Remind me how that affects the season predictions?

A. While a couple of folks (Mason, Bill) also correctly predicted that we would beat anOSU, I consider myself in sole possession of first place since my predicted losses (0) is still accurate.

3. How modest of you. So, East Carolina again. What's up with them?

A. Well, since we already talked about the history of ECU, I thought it would be nice to explore their roster, but from an academic perspective. Since the East Carolinians embrace their pirate identity, I'm going to focus on those players that are in their plundering and pillaging program. As repeatedly stressed by our omnipotent but benevolent overlords at NCAA, these athletes are STUDENTS FIRST, and we should recognize those that are excelling on AND off the field, as well as offshore. Let's take a look at those ECU football players most likely to raise the bar (and the Jolly Roger) once they graduate from those hallowed halls.

4. Uh, okay. That's cool, I guess. Who's first?

A. Christian Matau: Favorite Pirate - Blackbeard

His beard looks better once he braids the fireworks in

A redshirt freshman offensive lineman, he comes in very raw, with his go to move of lighting his beard on fire only really usable once or twice a season¹. However, once OL coach Brandon Jones told him to treat QB Shane Carden like his secret pirate booty that he was to protect from the Spanish Main, his instincts took over and he became a force to be reckoned with.

5. Aw, that's nice, respects the founder. Anyone else?

A. Blake Kemp: Favorite Pirate - Jake of the Neverland Pirates

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO CUT WITH A WOODEN SWORD, BLAKE?

Some question Blake's commitment to the pirate lifestyle, particularly since he looks up to a kid that doesn't actually ever do pirate things. He just hangs out on an island, dressing like he's in a pirate boy band and hindering the older pirates that are trying to actually steal booty.

6. Also, I heard Jake has a vicious molasses allergy and drinking rum would jack him up bad.

A. Will Foxx: Favorite Pirate - One Eyed Willie

Coach Ruff just convinced Will to stop wearing an eye patch on the field

I'm pretty sure that One Eyed Willy was only his choice because they have the same name. Who wants to be like a pirate that gets himself trapped in a cave? I don't care how much treasure you have, if you're dumb enough to get locked in a cave and spend all your time building elaborate booty traps instead of figuring a way out of the damn cave, you are not worthy of respect.

7. You mean booby traps?

A. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. BOOTY TRAPS. Anyway, One Eyed Willie was a terrible pirate and Will Foxx should feel bad.

8. Strong take. Anyone else?

A. Tre Robertson: Favorite Pirate - Dread Pirate Roberts

Apparently all of the Dread Pirate Roberts rock pony tails

Tre is actually a legacy, his last name deriving from the fact that he is descended from the second Dread Pirate Roberts². To this day, Tre's family carries a deep pride in their roots and strong aversion to Princes and Humperdinks and the offensive lineman is noticeably more effective when coaches tell him opposing players are Florinese.

9. If Luther Maddy had six fingers, Robertson might actually be able to block him.

A. Montese Overton: Favorite Pirate - My 3 year old in doggy pirate pajamas

See? Dog never smiles. Neither does Montese.

While he seems small, linebacker Overton has long admired my kid's ability to rain down destruction far beyond his physical gifts. Overton takes that mentality onto the field, chasing down quarterbacks and running backs with a single-minded ferocity, like they stole his favorite lego man. Fortunately, Overton has yet to "Suarez" someone and take a bite out of them on the field, but it may just be a matter of time before he follows in his idol's footsteps.

Unfortunately, due to UN sanctions, ECU has disassociated itself from it's historical recruiting hotbed of East Africa, something that has definitely taken a toll on their Pirating program. Unfortunately for the young men I've highlighted above, that's also negatively impacted their internship program.

10. Have they gotten any Fullers since last year?

A. No, they're completely screwed.

11. Any other roster notes?

A. While they lost their Marquis from last year, they still boast a Maurice, Marquez, Montese, Marquise and added a Malik, Messiah, and a Markel to keep Coach Ruff confused as hell. They also have a dude named Worth Gregory (I did not get that backwards) who has a national championship ring he earned at Alabama as a walk on backup punter, showing you can reach lofty goals without actually doing ANYTHING. Finally, they have Elizabeth City State transfer Bladen Gatling who was born at a gun show.

12. What about visiting Greenville?

A. If you'll recall, we went through your dining options in Greenville last year. Of course, don't use them this weekend because the game is in Blacksburg. HOWEVER. If you're going, you'll need something to do besides eat, watch football³ and walk the plank, eh, me hearty? So let's look at their touristy stuff!

...

Well, it turns out that there isn't really much to do in Greenville, NC. In fact, if you go to the Greenville TripAdvisor page, it actually takes you to the Greenville, SC page which, if you can ignore the fact that it's in the wrong Carolina, is actually bigger and has more stuff to do. Like a zoo! So let's go there instead! Here's a review from Subha dora D:

Know it all fat keeper staff. No wonder they killed an elephant. The younger admin girls are ok though.They want us to feed crackers to goats! The Gud it's a small zoo, but not worth it.

I feel like maybe Subha has some anger issues. I don't understand exactly who she's angry at. The zoo? A keeper with a weight problem? Multiple keepers with weight problems? A dead elephant? Is she implying that the elephant was ASKING FOR IT? But I do like that she throws in a #NotAllZooEmployees note, so that was nice.

13. I'll be sure to check it out. But don't you normally review two things?

A. Yes! And DID YOU KNOW - that there are now Google Reviews of universities? And why wouldn't there be? Why wouldn't you want to offer people the ability to anonymously review a four year higher education institution that you have no way of verifying that they ever attended or even visited? Maybe because it leads to reviews like this from A Google User that read like they were written by a bot:

This amazing institution has brought me success in the business world and in life. The campus is beautiful and the school spirit is unbelievable. This school wants you to succeed and to help others along the way.

Good thing we have some clearly hand-crafted, lovingly written reviews, like this one from A(nother) Google User:

Road block

Helpful.

14. Seriously. Can we end on a high note?

A. Always! I took a minute to peruse the official @EastCarolina twitter account and here are some highlights:

RT @innerpirate: Is that @ECUADCompher in the Ball Pit at Mendenhall?? Yesyes it is. @ECULeadership pic.twitter.com/7OGNcDNYFI— East Carolina Univ. (@EastCarolina) April 3, 2014

Athletic Director Jeff Compher is legally blind⁴ and they played a mean joke by telling him he was sitting in a sauna.

The inspiring story of @piratealumni "the pencil man" @Timothy_Gomez, CEO of @DIXONTICPRANG: http://t.co/f14rvbyQIj pic.twitter.com/X62kHo0h9r— East Carolina Univ. (@EastCarolina) September 2, 2014

Actively promoting their successful and vibrant alumni pirating community

RT @InnerPirate: Fall 2014 Family Weekend dates are set: Aug. 30-31. Tell mom/dad/g'ma now. Hotel space is limited. pic.twitter.com/6ZBPlVe8Il— East Carolina Univ. (@EastCarolina) March 25, 2014

Apparently Boba Fett went there? It kind of makes sense, bounty hunters are sort of like pirates. Also, the 'hook hand' move kind of looks like you're showing off the booger you just picked.

15. Back to the Hokies. How are our FAINTs looking?

A. Well. Despite the fact that he is apparently made partially of adamantium, Brewer got knocked around enough to force him into two more interceptions. What's more, despite Kendall and Brandon staying close enough to their receivers that in a non-football situation they would have had charges filed against them, they have yet to record an interception. Though several people asked, we cannot count Kyshoen's nor Donovan Riley's interceptions towards the FAINT count. Cutting corners is simply not the Fuller way⁵. So, this week we stand at 3 FAINTs, well above our season goal of -2.

16. Well that's disappointing. What about the RAGE MATCH?

A. We're going with a dual award. This award was initially inspired by Dadi Nicolas going HAM on Pitt and he has returned to reclaim the title with two sacks, an additional tackle for loss and FIVE QB hurries. However, I could not help but notice that, on top of a sack, an additional tackle for loss, a pass breakup, two QB hurries and 10 total tackles, Deon Clarke was going freaking nuts after seemingly every play. Seriously, if there was one player that I could compare my own admittedly bonkers actions Saturday night against, it was Clarke. I loved watching it.

17. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A. Assuming you don't get sacked by Dadi Nicolas on the way into the stadium:

• If our cornerbacks are going to stop just breaking up all the passes and finally INTERCEPT SOME
• If a second game against Bud Foster's defense is going to permanently scar QB Shane Carden
• If our offensive line can do everyone a favor and keep Michael Brewer's uniform clean this week
• If it's possible for Juice and Shai to BOTH go over 200 yards rushing in the same game

Thanks for joining us! Next week we'll be back with an exciting preview of Georgia Tech as well as a recap of my weekend watching football with my FSU cousin who is sort of insane.

¹And it burns the hell out of your face. I heard. From someone else that isn't me.
²Not Westley, nor the one that captured him, but the one before THAT guy. I think.
³On tv, of course, because there's no game there
⁴No he isn't
⁵Unless it's on the way to rock J.T. Barrett or Vad Lee, then a Fuller will very much cut a corner