Hello. Welcome back to "Foe"Rensics. This week we're talking about Pitt, and while we covered the University of Pittsburgh last year, this is additional, critically important made up stuff.
1. Ok. Did we play a football game last week?
A. No. We DID play one the week before that I haven't gotten a chance to tell you about. If you'll recall, we played North Carolina, who it turns out is not very good at football this year. Kendall Fuller did Fuller things, our freshman wide receiver did NFL things, Ekanem went EKANNIBAL on UNC's quarterbacks and Shane Beamer got the opportunity to go super deep into his running back rotation.
2. Awesome, so it was a blowout?
A. Well...not really. Turns out there's a reason we have 23 running backs on the roster, because they keep getting hurt. Add a sprained ankle for Juice and a broken clavicle for Trey on top of Shai's ACL and we're down to a J.C. Coleman and Joel Caleb rotation unless Juice heels fast.
3. Oh, hell.
A. Yes. And while I desperately want to ensure that the curse of Walt Harris doesn't return1, I'd rather make sure Juice is healthy for the rest of our slate, which entirely involves teams that have beaten us in the last two years and Wake Forest.
4. What about LOLUVA?
A. Wait, I thought that was a scrimmage? Anyway, keeping an eye on the mediocre morass of the Coastal Division:
Will #UNC step up Sat and keep the dream alive of all ACC Coastal teams going 4 and 4? @HollyAnderson pic.twitter.com/cWRspyrJ0v— CFB Leaderboard (@cfblb) October 13, 2014
Anyone else find it deeply amusing that UNC...excuse me, PRESEASON RANKED UNC is the projected leader for fewest wins?
5. The one game they looked not terrible in they gave up 50 to Notre Dame. Anyway, who are we playing this week?
A. Yes. But in a remarkable departure from the norm this season, we are NOT playing on Saturday, NOR are we kicking off before 1:00. We are visiting the ketchupy confines of Heinz Field. And while some would think, based on the history of Pittsburgh and the infamous Wannstache that we could evaluate them based on the relative merits of various moustaches. But nothing could ever compare to this:
Glorious
6. That is intimidating as hell2.
A. Since the Panthers are hopelessly outmatched in a moustache competition, it seems only fair to play to their strengths. How does Pitt measure up against ACTUAL PITS?
7. Oh Lord. Here we go again.
A. Pitfall!
No, this is not the greatest Atari game ever, that title belongs to River Raid3. But any game where you have to jump on top of alligator heads in order to get ahead beats a city proud of producing I.C. Light.
That guy has better mobility than Tom Savage does, that's for sure
Winner: Pitfall!
8. I'm guessing Tommy still has waking nightmares of Dadi.
A. Great Pit of Carkoon
The home of the Sarlacc, that horrific monster that tried to eat Lando Calrissian. Still, this particular Pit earns props for eating Boba Fett, and therefore is better than the place that has unleashed untold thousands of Steelers fans upon the world.
Probably smells better than Pittsburgh, too
Winner: Great Pit of Carkoon
9. The CGI tentacles are still better than the scoreboard ketchup at Heinz Field.
A. Armpit of America
There is actually some debate over what is the true armpit of America, with people putting forth various answers based on their own geographic bias. Due to our own geographic bias here in Virginia and if you imagine New England as the raised arm of the U.S., then it's clearly New Jersey. If there is any further contention, I submit this as my closing argument:
I would love to be there when he explains it to his kids
That being said, New Jersey has still been responsible for producing current Hokies Ryan Malleck and Billy Ray Mitchell, as well as former Hokie great Jason Worilds, among others4.
Winner: Armpit of America
10. STILL probably smells better than Pittsburgh.
A. Pitbull
I am bad and I should feel bad
Okay, there IS something that Pittsburgh is preferable to. And I.C. Light.
Winner: Pittsburgh
11. On that note, are you done?
A. Gravel Pit
Let's end on a high note.
Wu Tang is for the children. Pittsburgh is not.
Winner: Wu Tang Clan
12. Well, I think that settles it. How many Fullers do they have?
A. None, although their entire wide receiving corps constantly lives with the spectre of Kyshoen Jarrett's shoulder separating them from this plane of existence. Does that count as partial DBU?
13. Any other roster notes?
A. Pitt has got a pretty strong showing in the name department. Adonis Jennings, named for the Greek god of beauty, which is a fairly heavy burden to lay on your kid's shoulders. In addition, they are trying to sneak in some brothers with different last names, like Bam Bradley and Nicholas Grigsby, who sound less like brothers and more like a guys from a Hardy Boys and Jane Austin book, respectively. Then there are cousins Lafayette and Jevonte Pitts, who named themselves after the University in a successful bid to boost their recruiting.
Finally, Jester Weah. That is his GIVEN name, which is awesome that his parents waited nine years after Top Gun came out to name their son after a secondary, possibly tertiary character. He's lucky, though; his brothers are Guy Who Keeps Spilling His Coffee On Himself Weah and Pissed Off Bald Guy Weah.
Hey, they could've gone Days of Thunder and "Guy Who Yells Monkey F$*king a Football Weah"
14. What if I'm going up to Pittsburgh and I don't want to go to the game? What should I do?
A. Well, first, jump off one of the many bridges that Pittsburgh has to offer for someone who would go all the way up there and not watch the Hokies. After that, swim over to the National Aviary! That's right, our nation's PREMIER bird zoo is right there in Pittsburgh! And for our first review, I could not have made up a better name than Porky Coot:
Well its a small place and takes less than 30-40 mins to see the whole place. It has a smell that can be overbearing and bird poop every where..
Sadly, I was unable to read this right after the reviewer's name and come up with any sort of commentary that would meet our publishing standards. So, we move on.
15. And what if I wanted to pursue a college degree in Pittsburgh?
A. If that's the case, go to Carnegie Mellon. If you can't get in there, look into Duquesne. If you absolutely have no other choices than to worship in the Cathedral of Learning, let's hear what Jloni Garland has to say:
You need to step up your game alright get better and tell that number too young
I hope I hope you have a good game season fromJloni
Uh...Jerry Lee, anything to add?
Great place for a nap!
Awesome! Last thoughts, Chuck Knoles?
Rainfall report from previous user was inaccurate.
Pittsburgh falls well below many major cities in average annual precipitation*.
Just to name a few...Honolulu, Hawaii- 86.8 inches
Miami, Fl- 61.9 inches
Houston, Tx- 52.7 inches
Portland, Ore- 39.1 inches
Pittsburgh, PA- 38.2 inches
Well that settles it, I was TOTALLY going to go to college in Honolulu OR Miami for the weather, but you convinced me, Chuck! Clearly southwestern Pennsylvania has a distinct weather advantage over southern Florida and Hawaii!
16. Particularly during night games in November. Now, what's the FAINT count at?
A. KENDALL FULLER DID FULLER THINGS! Not only did he come up with his first pick up the season, he housed it, scoring his first touchdown of his Hokie career. This ties him with Kyle, ensures every brother has scored at least one touchdown and brings the total Fuller touchdowns scored at Tech to 10.
This will never ever get old
That being said, Brewdog still completed one more pass than he should have last weekend to a guy in the wrong jersey. It must be slowing down because we're approaching the edges of the universe and getting ready to wrap around to the other side.
17. What should I be watching for this weekend?
A.Again, any signs that Walt Harris is in the vicinity of the stadium should be handled with extreme prejudice. Also:
- Pitt has the 38th ranked rushing defense, though apparently you don't need to gain a lot of rushing yards to beat them (cough, Iowa, AKRON). Let's see if Loeffler is going to try to pound the rock.
- KYSHOEN JARRETT GO BOOM
- I am loving watching our defensive line, highlighted by Ken Ekanem and Deon Clarke going freaking nuts every week. Let's continue both our season trend and Pitt trend of destroying the opposing quarterbacks' will to live.
- THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!
Next week, THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IN THE TERROR DOME!!!!
1I will not let my Walt Harris voodoo doll out of my sight before Thursday
2And sexy as hell, if I may be so bold
3Y'all screaming Frogger can just go play in traffic
4Everyone name your favorite Hokie from Jersey!
Comments
Dave Meyer, Ramsey NJ!
He beat Pitt! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHE9OorAK8k
And, according to LinkedIn, is currently the Patient Services Manager at Quest Diagnostics in the Greater New York City area. And he speaks Chinese!
DEEP BALL DAVE! Got in a shouting argument with my freshman roommate over him. I was convinced he was the future when Al Clark graduated. Roommate said we had some guy with a last name of Nick or Wick or something like that who was redshirting that was supposed to be a pretty good QB.
I still think Meyer got shafted, man.
That Fick guy was decent if I remember correctly.
My first thought was Clayton Bigsby...
Man. That's a lot of questions and answers. How do you count that high?
Your forgot this Pit....does this beat Pitt?
This IS Pitt, in a nutshell.
This is the perfect answer.
Nice pull re: Jane Austin character. +1.
My first thought was Dickens, but I haven't read much Austen.
Jester Weah may have gotten the first family scholarship to Pitt, but the guy to watch out for is his younger brother, Viper. Viper's got better lateral moves and can beat his man in one-on-one coverage.
something something something Iceman
How could you forget this? You even included it in the title!
I am bad at this and I feel bad.
This was an egregious oversight. Moles, take me downstairs and beat the shit out of me.
edit: HokiEE beat me to it
Legged anyway. Princess Bride always gets a leg from me :)
Or more recent Pit, if you prefer:
Dark Pit can go to Hades
David McFadden-NJ state wrestling champion that committed to VT this year.
If you want to see something sad, google 'bands from Pittsburgh' and see the results.
Besides Jazz, it's pretty barren......kinda like this:
'PITS-burgh'
Dude! Aus Rotten and Anti-Flag! lolz
Ok, upon further research, I have uncovered Bret Michaels and Chistina Aguilera (ish-grew up close to the Pitt.).....
.........nuff said.
RIVER RAID, FOREVA!
River Raid is awesome, but I definitely spent a lot of snow days in Jr High mastering Pitfall.
I could not remember the name of this game to save my life, but it was AMAZING! My buddies dad was a fighter pilot so we would put his helmet on before each round... There wasn't a whole lot to do in New Hampshire :)
No food suggestions this week? I guess Primanti's is the only restaurant people have heard of, and you covered that last year.
There is a chipotle in East Liberty. But its the worst chipotle I've ever been to.
The city of Pittsburgh is ok - plenty of food and beer options in the city. But the greater "Western Pennsylvania" region is just an extension of West Virginia.
If visiting, I'd recommend staying only in Pittsburgh.
Except when trying to buy beer. If anyone is going to the game Thursday and you aren't from Pennsylvania, bring your own beer. It's much easier than finding one of their package stores and paying the ridiculous prices for beer. There's no reason a case of Bud Light should be over $20.
Yeah, beer can only be purchased at ABC stores AND the tax is obnoxious.
On the other hand, it's easier to get Troegs in PA than in VA.
For a cool fall day, check out Troegenator, their dopplebock. It is outstanding.
http://www.troegs.com/our_brews/troegenator_double_bock.aspx
Not to rub this in, but I live 5 minutes from Troegs... If you're ever up this way, it is very much worth a visit.
Troegenator just brought back a medal from the GABF.
I was there last year.
And.... Immediately after I wrote this I went to a place to grab some examples of Munich Dunkel for a talk I'm giving on Saturday. They had a 4 pack of Troegenator. I bought it. First I'd seen it since I was at Troegs last year.
Our beer laws are ridiculous in PA and really grinds my gears. Beer has to either be purchased at a restaurant or bar, or a distributor.
Restaurants and bars can only sell you 2- six packs at a time. Distributors force you to buy an entire case.
Ditto to Hokie_x3_Hi says - bring your own beer to PA. It's much, much cheaper.
It is cheaper to bring Troeg's beer purchased from VA, than it is to purchase directly from the brewery.
Indeed, the beer laws are archaic up here. But we also seem to have our fair share of breweries, too. When folks come up here, give a local brew pub a shot. I can't recommend one since I don't know Pittsburgh too well, but you're bound to run into one. Worst case scenario, Yuengling is cheap, but they just call it Lager.
Very true - we have great breweries and brew pubs here!
Fatheads in Pittsburgh has great beer - if any of you all are in need of a beer stop, I'd highly recommend it. Fatheads has their own beer lineup, which is phenomenal, but they also have many other taps as well. Stick with Fatheads brews and you will not be disappointed.
Also, Church Brew Works is very good as well.
My parents live in the next county over, so I'm very familiar with the city. I was just commenting because he normally includes that section every week.
Any recommendations for food/restaurants in the area? We head out to Pittsburgh a few times each year...
Hey now! I grew up in the greater "Western Pennsylvania" region and....ok, it pretty much is West Virginia.
If visiting, I'd stay at my grandma's house though
Primanti's is great. When in Pittsburgh, also don't miss the Church Brew Works brewery & restaurant........
Almost forgot about those guys. Been around a long time. It's a brewpub with some interesting chow.
They have good pierogi dishes and good beer.
http://www.churchbrew.com
The Pitt of Despair, don't even think about trying to escape...
I'm hoping for something more like this pit:
Also, where did the RAGE match go? I have a feeling Ken-Dadi will be battling for it this week.
I miss this guy:
Looking forward to watching the Hokies kick ass with all of you at First Down on Thursday!
Pitt has never held the "Belt"
http://collegefootballbelt.com/Seasons.htm
Interesting concept. You become the champion by beating the champion, and currently that champion is Baylor. Last week it was TCU.
We had it in 2011.
KYSHOEN JARRETT GO BOOM
Nuff said
Favorite Hokie from NJ? My wife & daughter. (you said Hokie, not football player)
Me. I am my favorite Hokie from NJ. Yay me!
Primanti Bros. really is hard to beat for a good, hearty sammich
Can we appreciate for a minute that their starting kicker is named Blewitt? I mean, he's a pretty good one, but that's still just about the most unfortunate name you could possibly have as a kicker.
Too bad they don't have a Wang package to blow for him...