Ask TheFifthFuller: Why is Pitt?

With the Hokies trip to the Steel City on deck to face the Panthers, TheFifthFuller answers questions mostly unrelated to the football contest.

[Mark Umansky]

Hello. I've already explained Pitt multiple times for "Foe"rensics, and I have to go to a very dark place every time I do. This time, I'm declining to explore what's behind Dave Wannstedt's moustache. Instead, I thought I'd field questions from you TKPers, the greatest internet community since I was part of a dozen people tweeting out the first verse of "Triumph" in a thread. I asked for questions, and you technically met that threshold. My expectations were fairly low, and you exceeded them! Great job! TO THE QUESTIONMOBILE!

1. From hokiebuzz: How far back have you traced the lineage of the Fuller family and how are they so awesome at this game we call football?

A. Great question, Mr. Williams. The Fullers have a rich and varied history, which has helped prepare them for the simulated combat of American football. They have traced their lineage to the greatest leader to emerge from the British Isles, King Arthur, as well as his dragon, which is why Vinnie can breathe fire. In fact, the name Fuller derives from the trade they engaged in, which is preparing wool for clothing, which had typically been removed from a sheep immediately prior to them roasting and eating said sheep.

They have also traced their ancestry to Shaka Zulu, which is where they developed their fearlessness and leadership of men. George Washington Carver and Albert Einstein are in there, providing their unparalleled intellect and their inventiveness, like when Kyle spent the entire Georgia Tech game in the backfield. Finally, T'Chaka and Hercules are ancestors as well, which explains their mythical greatness and athletic prowess.

2. RealDiehl up in here asking the HARD questions. What is the best 1. Cheese 2. Bourbon 3. pie

A. In my old age, bourbon doesn't hold the same appeal to me, particularly when I can drink two beers by halftime and then have to drink coffee to stay awake. And I've made my dessert preferences clear; ice cream and cookies are the pinnacle. So that leaves cheese, which is versatile enough to be an appetizer (mozzarella sticks), a main (Welsh Rarebit) a salad dressing (shredded parmesan, lemon juice and olive oil), a fun experience (fondue) or dessert (cheesecake). And of course, it is a crucial ingredient in the answer to the next question.

3. 8300A_Hokie'12 with the serious question. If you were a sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be? (So help me God if you say a hotdog... )

A. Do tacos count as a sandwich? While you ponder that brainteaser, the easy answer is a ham and cheese. It's the greatest sandwich of all time, so good that it has evolved into multiple ELITE sandwiches. In Belgium? Get a Croque Madame, which is a hot ham and cheese with a fried egg on toast. In Paris? Jamon and fromage on a baguette. In Hungary? Sonkas Kifli, which is ham, cheese, pickles and mustard rolled up in a tiny savory pasty-type thing. In Saigon, find you a banh mi with head cheese and ham. (Also, go look up head cheese). Hate your arteries? Dip that ham and cheese in egg and FRY IT; BOOM, MONTE CRISTO. And then the ultimate, the Cuban; ham, swiss, pickles, mustard, and roast pork on a hot pressed roll.

4. It's a Stroman Jersey I Swear with a TRIFECTA of questions. What's your order at Cookout? (Yes, we will judge you)

A. You are going to have to judge hard, because I've never eaten at Cookout. I've been trying to get to one, but the closest one is in Fredericksburg and every time we are through there it's on a road trip to/from North Carolina and the kids want to eat at the answer to the next question.

5. Wawa or Sheetz?

A. Do I look like I'm some Carson Wentz humping, nacho cheese on oily steak sandwich eating, Rocky worshipping, profanity screaming at eight year olds heathen? Hell no, Wawa is trash. What opened in Christiansburg my senior year and kept me alive on 50 cent hot dogs and cartons of Jacks for $10? Where else can I get a ham and cheese Shmagel and a Shmoffee? Sheetz for life.

6. Does this sweater make me look fat?

A.

7. From our illustrious leader, Joe: You only get one Fuller to play against Pitt this weekend, which one do you take, where does he play, and why?

A. I'm going to make the assumption that I get present day Fuller who magically discovered a weekend of eligibility and is more BAK than Miami for three hours to rescue the season.

I hate to say it, but Vinnie is probably too old. Corey is great, but the Hokies aren't in need if another wide receiver to not complete passes to. Do I pick a five-star CB to shut down Pitt's passing attack which has picked up barely more than half the yards their rushing attack has? Or do I go with the Fuller with the heaviest shoulder and the willingness to kamikaze running backs? I'm going with Kyle, at the Whip.

8. From ADX1985: Would you buy or sell Virginia Tech right now. Short and long term.

A. I assume you're asking me about the two-time defining Commonwealth Cup holders, the school with both soccer teams in the NCAA tournament, the top 15 basketball team, and dominant wrestling team, among other things. No, I am not familiar with this foot-ball thing you speak of.

In all seriousness, I have no idea. Fuente seems like a good fit, he's bringing in good players, and the Hokies are having a terrible year. The defense is young, and empty of Fullers, which is frightening. Is there promise there? I think so. Every team goes through up and downs. Remember 15-20 years when Alabama was terrible? Remember now when Florida State is terrible? No one can be good every year. Which is why Tech's bowl streak is a big deal. It's HARD to do what Frank did for as long as he did it.

Do I think Fuente can get Tech competing for National Championships every year? No, but I'm not sure that's possible. Do I think he can get the Hokies back to the year in, year out 10-win seasons, ACC championships on the reg and Hokies fans complaining about dammit, not the Orange Bowl AGAIN, with occasional shots at the playoffs? Yeah. Are people gonna bitch and moan about that? Yup.

9. I'm not sure brockman_148 intended this as a question for me, but: Is there something that I should know about why making a Pitt game might be a bad idea? (Other than the "Pitt happens" part with the game and all; I get all that).

A. Honestly, I was working in Columbus, OH and drove over for the Pitt game in 2003. We found a bar near the stadium, got hammered on buckets of IC Light, had a great time. Then we went to Heinz Field, and between the game and the nauseating ketchup graphics they'd use for red zone trips, I wished I had never gone. So, by all means, go to Pittsburgh, it's an awesome city. My advice is don't go when there's a Pitt game.

10. From VT_Fencer: Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

A.

11. HokieSax14 gettin' biological over here. Are there even any panthers in Pittsburgh? Or is it just a bluff?

A. The panther (Puma concolor), also commonly known as the puma, mountain lion, cougar or catamount, is a large felid of the subfamily Felinae native to the Americas. Its range, from the Canadian Yukon to the southern Andes of South America, is the widest of any large wild terrestrial mammal in the Western Hemisphere. An adaptable, generalist species, the cougar is found in most American habitat types. It is the biggest cat in North America, and the second-heaviest cat in the New World after the jaguar.

The panther has largely been extirpated, or locally gone extinct, in all of North America east of the Rockies since the European conquest, except in southern Florida, because Florida. So it's a bluff. The only cattiness in Pitt on Saturday is coming out of Narduzzi's mouth.

12. OHokie asks Why did the Family Feud canon retcon Louie Anderson out of existence?

A. Because Louie Anderson sucks. Here is the definitive ranking of Family Fued hosts:

  1. Richard Dawson. Unquestioned. Got a kiss from every lady.
  2. Ray Combs. Mostly because this is the one I grew up on.
  3. Richard Karn. Because I also grew up on Home Improvement and THAT'S AL FROM TOOL TIME!
  4. Steve Harvey. He's funny, but he resorts to the deadpan staring gimmick too much.
  5. John O'Hurley. I don't think I've seen a single episode of this guy even though it says he hosted for five years.
  6. Louie Anderson. He asked Richard Dawson for his blessing to host and Dawson said NO. So Louie is dead to me.

13. McHokie540 tryin to get tricky with the MATH over here, but If Bob has 3 apples, And Sally has 5 apples, How many pears does Jessee have?

A. Jessee has something much more than Bob and Sally, satisfaction that she chose a quality fruit. Why the hell would you ever eat an apple if you could eat a pear? D'Anjou pears are possibly the perfect fruit and people who waste tastebuds and calories on apples are throwing away their lives. Apples, man. We talkin bout apples, man? Apples. We ain't talkin bout PEARS. What MATTERS. We talkin bout apples, man. Apples? APPLES?!

14. hokiecamel is concerned about the long term of the Hokies' secondary: How long till we have more Fullers on the team???

A. Project Clone-A-Fuller has, sadly, run into approval issues. Damn gubmint thinks they can tell me how to live my life, who I can clone (no one) and can't clone (everyone), which is ridiculous! Why WOULDN'T you want more Fullers? Grow em in a vat, throw em in the secondary. What could go wrong? I saw Multiplicity. They divide up the work, have more down time, everyone has sex with Andie McDowell. I'm not seeing the downside here.

Elsewhere, we are still working on several other options, including The Fullerette, a reality show where current and former female Olympians are evaluated for their ability to enhance the next generation of Fullers. The issue is that most Olympians would actually REDUCE the athletic ability of future Fullers.

15. Succint in his sads asking: Why can't we have nice things? I mean, somebody has to have them, right?

A. I've been thinking about this. No one has just nice things. Think about it. Alabama has great football? Yes, but they are in Alabama. When my friend moved there and showed me his "Stars Fell On Alabama" license plate, my first thought was 'Ah, THAT'S what happened to it.' People in Florida have great weather all the time? They are also surrounded by Floridians, red tide, hurricanes and their property will be underwater in the next couple of decades. New York is the city that has it all? It also smells like garbage all summer and walking everywhere in the winter there SUCKS. Hokies have the privilege of having attended the greatest school in the greatest state, and occasionally have to deal with a bad football season and constantly have to deal with LOLUVA graduates. There's always a tradeoff. Use the shitty parts to help you appreciate the great parts more.

16. You can control 1 meteor and take out any college football game which will forever eliminate the 2 schools from competition. What game do you choose?

A. THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION, 2HokiesIn1. Instinctively, I want to say LOLUVA, but that's like using a rocket launcher to kill a harmless fly. Same with Duke; you don't want to waste your ammo on cream puffs.

You have to frame the question as such; should we benefit the college football world as a whole or use this ability for selfish purposes. Obviously, there are some candidates that benefit both, I'm thinking Tennessee, West Virginia, Michigan (IT WAS A CATCH), Florida State. But I'm selfish. I want this to benefit me, personally. So my first choice is Georgia Tech, only if it's guaranteed that ol' Chinballs and his offense gets taken out along with both Yellow Jackets fans. And while my heart wants to use that meteor on someone I'm sick of Tech playing, like BC or East Carolina, priority one is to rope in a fan base that truly deserves it. Priority two is they should definitely have a toolbag of a coach, which means Pitt is in the running, but their fans are tolerable and pathetically lovable. Nah, to get both categories, you gotta be the LOLUVA of your state and have a coach who looks like 40-something divorcee with a trust fund who spends all his time at the gym complaining about the women who dump him because he hits on their high school age daughters. Oh, and he should be named after a hat but wear a visor all the time. That's right, I'm dropping that meteor on COASTAL DIVISION SHOWDOWN GEORGIA TECH VS NORTH CAROLINA. I am VERY curious to hear other responses.

17. SevenLayersofPlayers wants to know: Who let the dogs out?

A. Brad Cornelson, only he forgot to turn on the electric fence and he keeps yelling commands at them like SIT and HEEL that he hasn't taught them yet so they just keep running around bumping into each other, pissing on the car and barking at the neighbor's baby who is now crying. These are known as "execution errors".

18. What's the most almost arrested you've ever been?

A. And to celebrate our Question of the Week from gobble gobble chumps, it's STORY TIME. I figure you don't want to hear any of the stories where I ALMOST got arrested and would rather hear the time I actually got arrested. Picture this: Virginia Tech, Miami, 2001. Last game of the season, alumni showed up with gifts of bourbon to thank us for bringing college girls to their tailgate every weekend. We bring them gifts of bourbon to thank them for letting us tailgate with them all season. Many toasts are raised. Many shots are consumed. Turns out even a Fuller can only drink so much.

We go to the stadium. This was when you had to present your Hokie Passport along with your student ticket. I get through. Then someone yells out that my buddy forgot his Hokie Passport and we need to circle back and pass mine back through the fence so he can use it to get in. All this happens directly in front of the dozens of cops they bus in to run stadium security. I am not being discreet in my amusement at my friend's idiocy. When we go back towards the stands, one of the officers politely asks me to accompany him. We go to a tent, where they are having us blow breathalyzers. I stupidly agree to do so. I am declared Drunk in Public, my wrists zip tied and put in a van. Many more people are put in the van. Someone pukes on my shoes. It was no bueno.

I spent the game in the drunk tank. I run into another buddy, who I had not seen since we worked at Target together in high school. That part was awesome! The cops keep us posted on the game. We find out that Wilford dropped the two point conversion from one of Blacksburg's finest. The mood definitely soured at that point. My girlfriend had to call my buddy out from work washing dishes at the Japanese steak house in Christiansburg to bail me out. The zip ties were too tight; I did not recover feeling in my right thumb for six months.

I got my address on file with the court changed to my sister's so all the correspondence would go to her and not to my parents, who to this day do not know about this incident. I for some reason decide to go to court to contest the charge instead of pleading and paying the fine. They call the case, and I am nervously still trying to figure out how I am going to convince the judge to let me do community service in lieu of convicting me of a misdemeanor. I barely notice when the cop tells the judge he didn't bring the arrest sheet. The judge then informs me that due to lack of state's evidence, he has no choice but to dismiss the charges unless I'd like to plead guilty. I decline. The courtroom chuckles. I do not care. When I'm walking out, one of the Blacksburg cops in the back of the room slaps my back as I walk by and tells me Good on ya, buddy.

I still marvel at the stupid amount of luck that got me out of it, and the stupidity that got me into it in the first place. You think bourbon is your friend, but it's not. On that note, Happy Pitting!

Comments

The idea of only being almost arrested is a very fun party game.

ESPN. The coverage is excellent, you'd be surprised at how much you can pick up.

It is one of my go-to questions

"Why gobble gobble chumps asks such good questions, I will never know." - TheFifthFuller

Funnily enough my story would be after the first TKP Charity Tailgate in Lot 18 when I was in charge of destroying the liquor pinata. If not for the girlfriend at the time, I would have been in the tank.

ESPN. The coverage is excellent, you'd be surprised at how much you can pick up.

One of these days, I'll gather everyone around the campfire and tell the tale of how Uncle Ass Pocket wound up in the tank with Peter Pan and the Hulk.

If you play it, they will win.

"How the ass pocket will be used, I do not know. Alls I know is, the ass pocket will be used." -The BoD

I'm assuming almost everyone's story on here would involve alcohol

the nauseating ketchup graphics they'd use for red zone trips

Of all the terrible things about that team/stadium, this is by far the strangest. I want to say I get it because it's Heinz Field and all, but man, seeing big ketchup bottles turn and pour ketchup on the video board just creeps me out and confuses me at the same time.

Why do I get the feeling that the Drunk in Public arrest sheet is forgotten more often than it is remembered?

Whatever. It was one bad year.

Seasonal Brew means High ABV for football season and standard the rest of the year.

In my experience with Blacksburg/VT PD they mostly just want to keep you from doing something stupid to yourself or others. My PI got me a whopping 15 hours of sweeping floors in Squires

I got a nice underage possession 50ft from the doors of West AJ (my dorm) after getting off the bus stop at Cassel because my buddy decided he wanted to argue with the cops. $500 dollars and an 8 week course on substance abuse later and I've never talked to him again.

El. Psy. Kongroo.

Sheetz over Wawa?

Now thats a paddlin' GIF

Wawa is trash

How do I delete someone else's post?

Monte Cristo sandwiches reign supreme in the sandwich world

I just sit on my couch and b*tch. - HokieChemE2016

That was amazing, Fifth

Man, that sucks about your Drunk in Public charge, although I've heard similar stories.

I had a coworker (alum in his 40's) who tripped over a cup tray that someone dropped on the ramp leading up to the bleachers. This guy is a responsible, in-control person mind you. A cop sees him and breathalyzes him. He had a 0.09-something and got arrested. He'd been drinking at his tailgate all day for a night game like a lot of people and wasn't driving. Just kinda sucks to know that this could hypothetically happen to a large percentage of people at the game.

It kind of gives me chills thinking back to the countless stupid stuff we did as students walking to our seats and just gotten lucky I guess.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

Damn the story is awesome, hopefully your parents don't read TKP...

I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction:
“I served in the United States Navy"

KCCO

Starlord: Where is Pitt?

Ironman: Who is Pitt?

TheFifthFuller: hmmmm......

"Nah, to get both categories, you gotta be the LOLUVA of your state and have a coach who looks like 40-something divorcee with a trust fund who spends all his time at the gym complaining about the women who dump him because he hits on their high school age daughters. Oh, and he should be named after a hat but wear a visor all the time."

Holy shit this is perfect, I'll never see him the same way again

I really like this column idea. I know that Forensics can't exactly stay fresh year after year for a single team.