Hello! Welcome back, this is the first officially sanctioned and NCAA recognized "Foe"Rensics of the year, as Rhode Island is the first new opponent on the Virginia Tech schedule. But never fear! After making poop jokes and imagining an intra-coaching squad melee on the sidelines in my Halfwits and Wagers debut, I'm sure Joe will ask me to help out on lots more stuff.
You gotta be some kind of brave to hold an open flame with your dong hangin out.
1. Well, I see we're off to a great start with full frontal nudity. What happened last week?
A. Look, that's the statue guarding the entrance to Rhode Island's stadium. Wear a poncho when you walk through the danger zone.
Last week the football was so drunk it gave me a hangover. The highlights include:
- Tech blew a 28-point lead, including giving up a Hail Mary that inspired a high five between the commentators.
- A single player puked on the field, got called for targeting and then UNcalled for it, had an all around lights out day and topped it off by batting down the potential tying touchdown on the SECOND final play of the game that most of us didn't see.
- VT picked off Miami FOUR TIMES, which they haven't done in forever. They also got their starting QB benched, which was awesome.
- Down 14, Miami went for two after scoring a TD and GOT IT, then scored the potential go ahead touchdown and doinked the extra point, which...
- Hendon Hooker, who I am led to believe had never thrown a football before in his entire life, threw three touchdowns and two orgasmic dimes to James Mitchell and Damon Hazleton, that second one on the eventual game winning drive.
- VT scored TOO QUICKLY on that go-ahead drive, left Miami over a minute to tie, which was eventually stopped on a batted pass on 1st down from the 10. The clock expired, the ref said the game was over and ESPN prepped to go to the Georgia-Tennessee game, the color guy yelled "HANG ON A SEC" and then ESPN went to Georgia-Tennessee game. We found out a few minutes later that they put a second back on the clock, Miami got a second chance and Alan Tisdale hurled the ball out of the air to finish them off.
After all that, I felt like butt. It wasn't the disappointed feeling when the Hokies barely beat someone like Furman, it was like a root canal but the anesthetic was slowly wearing off because it was taking so damn long. This took four hours and frankly, I don't blame ESPN from wanting to get the hell away from it as quickly as possible. Yes, the Hokies beat Miami1. But it took years off my life.
2. So...good news?
A. Yes? Tech beat Miami. Sorry, ahem...Tech beat Miami! We also found out that there IS at least one good quarterback on the roster. Hooker will improve his consistency through the air and will continue to show he's not quite a silky smooth runner like Tyrod, nor is he quite a battering ram like Jerod, he's somewhere in between with the added bonus of some kind of NOS injection system that allows him to accelerate out of trouble at a ridiculous rate. He also appears to have a general concept of how a read option is supposed to work!
3. Well, that's great. So what's next?
A. This week, the Hokies face a truly formidable challenge in the mighty Colossi of Rhode Island.
4. Who are they?
A. Excellent question. Rhode Island is a small, waterlogged island just off the coast of Massachusetts.
Sometimes referred to as Nantucket, the Patuxent name for the island, which means "Home of Underrated 90s Sitcom".
Rhode Island's history is relatively recent. Despite being home to multiple airlines and a taxi cab company for decades, they really started to achieve notoriety in the last fifteen years. Chafing at his place at a School for Gifted Youngsters in Upstate New York, as well as his supporting role in a movie series that started off mediocre and rapidly progressed downhill, Piotr Rasputin started looking for a way out. When Census workers knocked on the door to the school in 2010, Rasputin, fearing they were armed government agents sent to capture him, ran off through the woods, eventually making his way to the coast, stealing a boat and making his way to the tiny island. Wanting to start a new life but not equipped with many talents, he offered his services to the local municipal government of enforcing repayment of outstanding debts by breaking kneecaps, a skill he learned from the Russian mafia. The local government, not quite that corrupt, had no interest, and also wanted him to pay for the boat he stole before the Massachusetts State Assembly got mad and came to repossess the island.
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