World Cup For College Football Fans Part III

Hello. Either you survived my exceedingly lengthy previous World Cup previews and for some ungodly reason came back for more or you just stumbled on this and have no idea what you're in for. If you're new, welcome! For those of you unfamiliar with soccer, we're comparing the countries participating in the World Cup to those college football programs you know much better. We aim for brevity, seriousness and non-controversial statements about Landon Donovan.

1. You mentioned you'd cover some other college football teams and/or countries that DIDN'T make the World Cup cut. How about LOLUVA?

A. Canada. A natural regional rival who isn't really a rival because they're terrible. And when you bring up how bad they are, Canadians will throw Ice Hockey at you faster than LOLUVA fans will throw Women's Soccer WHICH, incidentally, we're better than them at now. Also, I'm going to go ahead and make a controversial statement here, but Canadian beer sucks almost as much as Zima.

See, even John Candy agrees with me

2. I'm a competitive person and I would like to test my newly gained soccer knowledge against the TKP community. Do you know how I might do that?

A. Yes! In order to keep things interesting afte...I mean, IF, the US gets knocked out early, I created a bracket challenge group on ESPN. Here's the link:

http://games.espn.go.com/world-cup-bracket-predictor/en/group?groupID=33...

Group: The Key Play
Password: SamRogers

Everyone can have up to two entries and I'll buy the winner a TKP t-shirt of your choice. To help you make your picks, we've still got 16 teams to cover. I'll go through eight of those today. This week, let's start with Group F, for Fuller.

Argentina

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Auburn. Argentina is known for two transcendent talents, Diego Maradona (think Bo Jackson) and their current star and best player in the world, Leo Messi (think Cam Newton). They have won two World Cups, both behind Maradona, whose ridiculous goal against England in 1986 is the physical embodiment of Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson.

Actually, the inspiration for Tecmo Bo

Those World Cups, of course, pale in comparison to their larger, more well known rival, Brazil, particularly since Brazil has claimed four additional World Cups since last week's column. Luckily, Argentina has found a loophole to keep up, claiming every World Cup between 1620 and 1840 unless someone, somewhere, can prove that ANYONE beat Argentina during that time. CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?

FIFA Ranking: 6. I have no idea how Colombia and Uruguay are ahead of them, that proves FIFA is corrupt if nothing else does.

Official Bus Slogan: Not just a team, we are a country

Um, that goes for EVERY team here. Did Argentina not know how the World Cup works? Or, wait...are they saying that their national soccer team has officially seceded and become their own country, like Petoria? Messi for President! VIVA EL PRESIDENTE!

That translates to "Messi is God". I think?

What's the skinny? You may have heard of Leo Messi, the diminutive forward has mesmerized the world with his exploits for Barcelona, but hasn't really put it together for his country. He's oft been criticized by his countrymen for "not singing the anthem", implying that he's more Spanish than Argentine. Well, it seemed to change this qualifying campaign, perhaps aided by a focus to build the team more around Messi. Argentina going forward are one of the most dangerous teams in the world, with Messi being joined by Kun Aguero, Gonzalo Higuain, Angel Di Maria, but defensive frailties have long been Argentina's failing. That hasn't really changed this go round.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: You know Messi, he's amazing and could probably fill a 30 minute highlight reel just from what he'll do by himself in Brazil. But the key is at the back, and that's why I'm going with Pablo Zabaleta. If the defense can't get its shit together, with the talented Zabaleta leading the line, it won't matter how magical Messi is.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: The strongest they've been in decades. I'd be willing to throw money on it just because rooting for Messi is so fun.

Will Most Likely: Make it to the semifinals and a showdown with Spain, winning that to become the sacrificial lamb for the winner of the Germany-Brazil match.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Houston. Once part of a relative powerhouse, Yugoslavia, much as Houston rolled in the Southwest Conference and had their fair share of ill gotten top ten finishes, although they at least had the decency to not leave five dead prostitutes in their wake, unlike SOME people¹. In the early 90s, things fell apart and Bosnia suddenly found themselves out there on their own, trying to continue some level of the success that they had found as part of the larger group. They pretty much failed. For a long time.

Things have progressed in the last decade under new leadership, much like Art Briles and Kevin Sumlin came in and changed Houston's fortunes recently, mostly through offensive improvement. In World Cup qualifying, Bosnia and Herzegovina outscored their opponents 30-6. Much like Houston competes in the American Athletic Conference with mostly meh teams it has no regional commonality with, Bosnia and Herzegovina enter a group with one clear leader and some not so good competition.

FIFA Ranking: 25. Go 8-1-1 in qualifying and get ranked 25. Sounds like how an AAC team would get treated.

Official Bus Slogan: Dragons in heart, dragons on the field!

YES! Dragons I can get behind! And while most of you may think I'm going to go with a Game of Thrones pun here², I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you of the only country with enough sack to put a damn dragon on their FLAG.

Look at the majestic jawline of that dragon.

What's the skinny? Bosnia and Herzegovina will go exactly as far as their triumvirate of scoring threats will take them. Led by the only guy you might've heard of, Edin Dzeko, the Man City striker, his partner up front Vedad Ibisevic and midfielder Zvjezdan Misimovic (more on him in a moment) will (hopefully for them) contribute on the goal front as well. Amazingly, if any of the three of them go down, they don't really have anyone waiting in the wings to step up with any degree of confidence.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: You probably know Dzeko, but Misimovic, aside from having the hardest to pronounce first name in the tournament, is a strong midfielder with the ability to both chip in goals and set them up. He has a history of...conflict, let's say, allegedly faking an injury to get out of a Bosnia World Cup qualifier four years ago to get back at the then manager, as well as playing a total of nine games for Turkish club Galatasaray before THAT manager sent him to the reserves. He now plays in China (?!) and will hopefully not piss anyone off enough to get sent home before the tournament.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: About the same chance as those five poor, dead prostitutes had...

Will Most Likely: They have a decent chance to finish second in the group, which will earn them a matchup with the winner of probably the worst group in the tournament, Group E, so quarterfinals aren't out of the question here.

Iran

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Let's see, a "gritty" team of nobodies beholden to a fundamentally religious institution with a "Defies All Regional Logic" 'rivalry' with your Hokies/country? Hello, Boston College! To add to it, both reside in a place where most sensible people don't have a real strong desire to visit due to the potential hostility from the locals.

I wanted to put the icing on the cake by comparing the Ayatollah Khomeini to Matt Fucking Ryan but, honestly, that may be a little unfair to the Ayatollah.

FIFA Ranking: 37. God, I hate Matt Ryan.

Official Bus Slogan: Honour of Persia

You know, it seems like they're almost trying to pick a fight with Americans by deliberately choosing the British spelling here. Well, guess what? We can add unnecessary 'U's to words also, you stupiud coucks.

What's the skinny? Due to some, ah, diplomatic difficulties, Iran has traditionally used domestic players in their national team. After Carlos Queiroz took over, they've made a point of pulling in players from all of the world with recent Iranian heritage. Almost shockingly (to me, at least), that includes American Steven Beitashour as well as an American coach with no previous ties (familial or otherwise) with Iran, Dan Gaspar. Honestly, no one knows too much about the Iranians aside from they've got a lot of (international) inexperience between the posts and they brought way more defenders than they should've for a tournament like this to...compensate? ARE THEY GOING TO PLAY WITH SEVEN AT THE BACK?!

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Since I know nothing about any of these guys, let's go with Reza Ghoochannejhad. Aside from being one of three "Reza"s on the team (if you count Alireza Haghighi), he plays for English team Charlton Athletic, has managed to score nine goals in just 13 appearances for the Iranian team and may be their best hope of eeking out a 1-0 victory over Nigeria.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: About the same as me seeing Matt Ryan's car broken down on the side of the road and stopping to help instead of speeding up to splash through the giant puddle next to him.

Will Most Likely: Lose by at least four goals to Argentina and/or Bosnia and Herzegovina.

Nigeria

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Georgia. Led by a strong but underrated midfield, just as Georgia is not as respected as they should be for the offensive line talent they churn out, Nigeria is a good team overshadowed by some of the flashier African squads. In addition, there have been some wild stories about disagreements between coach Stephen Keshi and the Nigerian Football Federation about payments to his players and interference in him selecting his playing squad, causing him to (allegedly) intentionally not pick players for the World Cup to prove a point. That's right, MARK RICHT HAS LOST CONTROL OF THE NIGERIAN FOOTBALL TEAM.

Mark Richt lost control of this guy, at least

FIFA Ranking: 45. I have no idea how it is this low, considering they won the African Cup of Nations last year, but they tend to not get as much respect as they deserve.

Official Bus Slogan: Only together we can win

Yeah, that doesn't seem to be going so great for you guys so far.

What's the skinny? They have got some great players in Victor Moses and John Obi Mikel and a decent supporting cast, including young forward Ahmed Musa and veteran defender Joseph Yobo. They also have complete headcase Peter Odemwingie, who became the laughingstock of English football when he and his agent drove halfway across England on the last day of the transfer window to force through a transfer from West Brom to ANYWHERE ELSE and failed, forcing him to spend the rest of the season as Public Enemy No. 1 at West Brom.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Victor Moses. He's only 23 but he's been playing professionally in England since he was 16. He's had an up and down last couple of years as he's tried to break into the Chelsea squad, but when dude gets on the field, whew. He's fun to watch.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: The same chance as Georgia entering this football season without unreasonably high expectations from their fans.

Will Most Likely: Battle but ultimately lose out to Bosnia for the second spot in their group.

Alright, that's Group F. The winner of Group F moves on to play the runner up in Group E, so let's go there next.

Switzerland

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Clemson. They have the ability to look good early in the season (they won their qualifying group with 24 points, seven more than the nearest team) but generally fold when faced with actual competition (hi, Florida State). I'd also like to compare the overall culture (cuckoo clocks, ridiculous banking customs) with IPTAY and Howard's Rock, the cult-like fandom around Clemson football. They always tend to boast some young talent (this time, Xherdan Shaqiri and Granit Xhaka) who will eventually not live up to their potential. Yeah, that's Clemson.

By Swiss tradition, the starting goalkeeper must have a Cuckoo Clock Tattoo³

FIFA Ranking: 8. Completely undeserved and will be course-corrected down after they bomb out of the World Cup.

Official Bus Slogan: Final stop: 07-13-14 Maracana!

Aw, that's nice of their coaches. They're letting the players stay in Brazil after they get knocked out so they can go watch the World Cup Final.

What's the skinny? Don't be fooled, they were in a TERRIBLE qualifying group, the second best team being Iceland who...is not good. Most of their players play in either Germany or Italy, but few actually play for any of the good teams. Each group in the World Cup gets a 'seeded' team to keep the best teams away from each other until the knockout round and somehow the Swiss are a seeded team. The most likely to not make it out of the group stage.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Josip Drmic. They aren't bringing a single striker older than 24 and Drmic is the best (and youngest) of the young bunch. Knocking in 3 goals in only 7 appearances for the Swiss, he scored 17 times for a BAD team in the German league last year. If he can get on a roll and France implodes, they could conceivably top the group. I mean, in theory.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: As good as can be expected for a team boasting an Admir, Gokhan, Valon, Xherdan, Granit, Reto, Gelson, Blerim and Yann. I mean those are STRONG names. But not World Cup winning names.

Will Most Likely: Get lucky, squeak by Ecuador and get curb stomped by Argentina.

Ecuador

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Vanderbilt. Placed in one of the strongest conferences/regions simply due to geography, they are one of the smallest countries there AND generally one of the...less good...teams. Also, despite their small size, climate⁴, preponderance of mountains and rainforests, they rank among the top 20 countries in the world in health care and have one of the fastest growing economies in the world. In addition, they're having a resurgence of sorts, similar to how Vandy has been not-terrible recently.

FIFA Ranking: 28, which is basically down to the South American bias that ESPN...er, FIFA has.

Official Bus Slogan: One commitment, one passion, only one heart, this is for you Ecuador!

Did you guys just copy Costa Rica? And honestly, if you are showing up with 23 players and only one heart, I'm somewhat concerned about your ability to last 90 minutes, or even, you know, live.

What's the skinny? Sadly for Ecuador, Chucho, or Christian Benitez, their best striker, died of cardiac arrest last summer at the age of 27. The team have used his memory as an inspiration and rallying point, fighting to qualify a few months later for the World Cup. While they certainly miss his prowess in front of goal, they've got an experienced defense and some stars in their midfield that they hope will make a difference.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Segundo Castillo. Antonio Valencia is the real star of this team, but everyone knows that and works to shut him down, forcing the team to find other outlets. Midfielder Castillo will be relied on to get the ball up to their strikers and chip in a goal or two himself. Also, his name Segundo literally means "Second" which...what?

Chances of Winning the World Cup: As good as Jay Cutler stealing the "Miss Congeniality" crown away from Sandra Bullock.

Will Most Likely: Battle Switzerland for the second spot in the group and the privilege to get pole-axed by Argentina in the knockout round. They will not earn that privilege.

France

College Football Team They Most Resemble: LSU. You may have heard that they have good cooking and speak French in France. DID YOU KNOW: This is also true of Louisiana? Despite caring more about cycling than soccer, France has won the World Cup (in 1998) and European Championship twice (1984, 2000). Plus, the only equivalent to the insanity that is Les Miles are the dual personalities of Eric Cantona and Zinedine Zidane. While The Hat doesn't generally get violent, Cantona and Zidane both demonstrated a tenuous connection with sanity at times, with Cantona kung fu kicking a fan...

Oh my god

and Zidane probably costing his team the World Cup by headbutting an Italian douche bag.

Dude said something about his sister, so totally deserved it

In addition, The Hat has had some interesting press conference moments, but I don't think anything compares to Cantona's one line press conference after his finishing his suspension for kicking that fan...

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much."

Aaaaaand, drop the mic.

FIFA Ranking: 16. Good balance of talent and potential for team implosion captured right here.

Official Bus Slogan: Impossible is not a French word

Actually, it is. I looked it up. The French word for "impossible" is..."impossible". Maybe in Creole it's something else?

What's the skinny? With a fairly talented midfield led by Paul Pogba and attacking group in addition to one of the best goalkeepers in the world⁵, only a suspect defense and the complete lack of sanity is a potential roadblock for this team. By complete lack of sanity, I mean the fact that there was a players protest against the coach DURING the World Cup in 2010 after he sent home Nicolas Anelka for being an all-around asshole.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Franck Ribery. Obvious choice outside of Pogba, but he is lightning fast, amazing on the ball and despite your likely predispositions towards soccer players and French people, he doesn't generally dive. I've seen him get his legs hacked where he SHOULD'VE gone down but he did everything in his power to stay on his feet to finish the play. Lot of passion, he also stands a fair chance of being the first guy to get up in the grill of some dude that outweighs him by 60 lbs.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: If they don't go off the rails again, not great but probably one of the best six or seven teams.

Will Most Likely: Again, there is no "Most Likely" with France, only a series of possibilities that would seem to be increasingly unlikely but in actuality are all in play. If I had to guess, France wins their group, wins their first knockout game and loses in the quarterfinals. Or the entire team leaves the pitch mid-game to go join the protests outside the stadium. Take your pick.

Honduras

College Football Team They Most Resemble: If Costa Rica is Wake Forest, the known bad team that occasionally rises to greatness, Honduras is N.C. State, the team that people seem to have a higher opinion of for absolutely no good reason. Honduras has never done anything in their history aside from winning the Central American Cup a few times, which is like winning the ACC before it had any good teams. Like N.C. State did⁶. Honduras consistently achieves mediocrity. In addition, they have indirect ties to the U.S., pulling some players that could qualify for the U.S. team (more on that below) like how N.C. State stole potential fan favorite Mike Glennon away from the Hokies.

FIFA Ranking: 30. Apparently finishing above Mexico in World Cup qualifying doesn't earn you too much respect. AS IT SHOULDN'T.

Official Bus Slogan: We are one country, one nation, five stars on the heart

Does country and nation mean the same thing? And are they implying they can use the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on their opponents? This is actually kind of intimidating.

Honduras' main defensive tactic against France and Bosnia

What's the skinny? On paper, they don't look bad, with Wilson Palacios, his brother Jerry, Carlo Costly and Roger Espinoza providing some options going forward. But honestly, "The Whole Is Greater Than the Sum of the Parts" isn't really much when the Sum ain't anything to write home about. They've got some above average players that help prop up a not so good squad.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Andy Najar. He grew up in Virginia, played for D.C. United and currently plies his trade in Belgium, naturally. As a native Virginian, I've always had a soft spot for the local kid and I hope he does well, even though he picked Honduras over the U.S. Although coaches said he could be a good winger but a world class fullback, Honduras tends to use him as a winger. Because of course.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: As good as Mike Glennon getting his number retired at Lane Stadium. Yeah, I said Mike.

Will Most Likely: Crash out at the group stage, hoping to sneak a goal or two on someone so they don't have the ignominy of playing six World Cup games in a row without scoring.

That's it for now, folks. We'll get the last installment to you before the games kick off next week!

¹Looking at you, SMU.
²I'll leave that to Brian
³NOT REALLY
⁴DID YOU KNOW: In Spanish, the official country name literally translates to "Republic of the Equator"? So...it's hot there.
⁵His name is Hugo. Maybe we SHOULD'VE made them UVA.
⁶N.C. State won the ACC three times in a row in the 60s with records of 8-3, 5-5 and 6-4