West Virginia Joke Thread

We all have them. Some more printable than others. Share yours here. I'll start.

A guy wearing a West Virginia shirt walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. He asks the bartender for a beer, and the bartender gives him one. Eyeing the parrot, the bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty neat. Where'd you get that?" The parrot responds, "Morgantown. They're all over the place!"

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I cannot do this! Way to filthy!

Even when you get skunked; fishing never lets you down. 🎣

Yep, most of the ones I know might put too much on the mods plates

I am not sure what to do with my hands now

Same. My joke is way too filthy.

To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
@BuryHokie #ThanksFrank

Good grief, I just recently moved to the state of WV, but here goes

Q: What's a good looking girl in West Virginia?
A: She's from Out of town

Q: What do West Virginians do on Halloween?
A: Pump kin!

Q: What does a West Virginia fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/worldjokes/westvirginiajokes....

Hokies, Local Soccer, AFC Ajax, Ravens

They have raised the drinking age in WV to 32. They are determined to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

To be the man you gotta beat the man!

Q:: What's the difference between West Virginia and Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

To be the man you gotta beat the man!

Legal question:

If two people get married in West Virginia but divorced in California, are they still cousins?

West Virginia, the only place I've heard the terms: brotherdaddy and sistermommy

uva - the taint of the ACC

Q: Why did the West Virginian couple drive to Virginia?

A: Because Virginia still allows you to legally marry your first cousin

I'm not sure if this is a WVa joke or Va joke, tbh.

Only people who want to do something stupid need a law telling them not to do said stupid thing lol

You can legally cohabitate and have sexual relations with your first cousin in West Virginia.

What if your first cousin is also your half sister?

Reminds me of the bolded part below in the lyrics in Spike Jones' "None but the Lonely Hearts'

No, John. It's best that we part, John. You have another wife, and I have another husband, and he has another wife, and she has another husband. It isn't the simplest sort of arrangement. It isn't. No, after all our years of wedded bliss, it's auf wiedersehen, John. We must think of the child. After all, we do have a child, and he has a child, and the child has another wife, and she has another husband, and he has a child, and that child, John, is our child. I must go away somewhere and figure this thing out. Auf wiedersehen, John, auf wiedersehen
But, Mary dear, I know you have another husband, and that he has another wife, and that she has another husband, and that o
ur own child, through marriage, is now my uncle and your sisters father on your grandmother's side, but can't we talk this over. There is still time, our divorce doesn't become final for another five minutes
We'll talk it over some other day, John, but not today
Why not, dear?
Today I am to be married. Bon soir, John. Prosit. Auf wiedersehen. Au revoir. Adios. Aloha
How do you like that? She didn't even say 'goodbye'

From the 2018 VT-uva game-"This is when LEGENDS are made!"

1. The unofficial state song of West Virginia is "I'm My Own Grandpa".

2 The most popular party game is West Virginia is corn hole. It's not what you think.

Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

🎡🎢a big lump with knobs 🎡 it has the juice (it has the juice) 🎢🎡

"Why gobble gobble chumps asks such good questions, I will never know." - TheFifthFuller

You know what you get at a West Virginia home football game?
A full set of teeth!

A Mountaineer and a Tar Heel rented a boat and fished in the lake and they caught 30 fish. The Mountaineer said to his friend, "We ought to mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow." And the Tar Heel said, "Okay, how about I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat?"

The Mountaineer laughed and said, "That's stupid β€” what if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?"

To be the man you gotta beat the man!

The Mountaineer and Tar Heel friends decide against fishing the next day. Instead they go skydiving.

The Tar Hell jumps out the plane first and pulls the cord and nothing happens. So he pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The Mountaineer jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

To be the man you gotta beat the man!

Two Mountaineers are waking through the woods and one says, "look, a dead bird!" The other looks up into the sky and says "where?"

Mountaineers finance their waterbeds

Bleeding burnt orange and chicago maroon

Kind of surprised this gem has not been posted yet...

Did you know that the tooth brush was invented in West Virginia? Otherwise it would have been called a teeth brush.

Every year hurricanes reach West Virginia and do millions of dollars of improvements.

23 and Me is a dating app in West Virginia

Bleeding burnt orange and chicago maroon

This needs to go plaid.

EAGLES FANS: we are pounding Cousins tonight

WVU FANS: us too

Bleeding burnt orange and chicago maroon

Why are there so many unsolved murders in West Virginia? No teeth and everyone has the same DNA.

What's the best thing to come out of West Virginia?

460 East.

Most US rivers run from north to south. So why does the New River run south to north?

Because West Virginia sucks.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

West Virginia reading exam:

M R Ducks
M R Not
U C M Wangs
M R Ducks

Pretty sure my first thought is against CG's

A Hokie walks into a bar and says, "I just heard a great WV joke!"

A HUGE guy (6-3", all of 280#, all muscle) stands up off a barstool and says, "Just a minute, buddy. Before you tell that joke, I'm from Morgantown. That guy over there is a professional wrestler, and he's from Wheeling. And the guy behind the bar has a pistol next to the cash register and he grew up in Beckley. Now, you really want to tell that joke?"

The Hokie thinks about it for a second and says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three different times."

To be the man you gotta beat the man!

This is the winner

"That's it guys. Let's get out of here. That cold drink's waitin' on us, let's go." - Mike Young after win no. 300.

I made this thread last year.

This is still true:

In 2010, I married my wife, whose mom's family is WV born and bred. I tried to make a joke about brother cousins. Turns out, there's two sets of brother cousins in my mother-in-law's family. One was on the show COPS.

This summer, I learned my wife's grandmother was dating her first cousin. In 1969, She went on a double date with him, his friend, and her sister. At some point, they switched up dates, and she got pregnant from the friend. And that's how my mother in law is not a product of incest.

The grandmother built a trailer on some land near Matewan, and keeps inviting us. My wife, in ever the nicest of ways, declines each time. She really doesn't want to meet those cousins.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

At some point, they switched up dates, and she got pregnant from the friend.

Yeahhhhh I'm gonna need to see the DNA test. Anyone who dates their first cousin automatically loses any kind of crediblity when telling things this way haha.

Lol, there was indeed a DNA test. It's true. My MIL is a Smith by birth.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

For anyone from WV that may get offended at any of these jokes.....

I have too many jokes that probably would get me banhammered...so here's a tame one:

Two West Virginian's are out playing golf. They're having a pretty good round and on the 7th hole, a nice open par 5, they both hit spectacular drives right down the middle of the fairway. They hop in the cart and make their way up to their shots. One ball has carried about 20 yards further than the other. So the first guy asks "whatchya hittin'?" and the second guy says "Titleist". The first guy responds, "Shoot, me too.....what number?" The second guy replies with "number 2". "Dang!, me too!" says guy number one. They get into a bit of a yelling match over whose ball is who's and as they're fighting about it the cart girl comes around and sees them arguing. She asks them what's going on and they tell her the situation. She glances out into the fairway, furrows her brow and asks "Well, which one of you hit the yellow one?"

Onward and upward

West Virginia University Football

Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

It's Mountain Liquor Hate Eve, so tonight would be a good time to watch The Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

It's all true. None of that documentary is scripted.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

For anyone who has never seen this, I highly recommend it. It's really something else.

My mom recommended this to me last year. It is an interesting and sometimes painful watch. I grew up in SWVA and thought I had it rough (and in a lot of ways I did) but watching that documentary makes me thankful for what I did have growing up.

To be the man you gotta beat the man!

What do a Texas twister and a West Virginia divorce have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.


#Q: Why is a mule only used 3 times a week to teach Driver's Ed in WVa?
A: They need it the other 2 days to teach sex Ed.

The state library of WVa burned to the ground...both books inside were destroyed.
But the real tragedy was that one of them hadn't been colored in all the way yet.


Dang, these are ruthless

uva - the taint of the ACC


Did you realize that the toothbrush was actually invented in West Virginia. True, because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.....

Do you know why Virginian love it when West Virginians go to VT?

Because when the West Virginians go home the IQ of both states rise

Everyone who understands and has studied U. S. history knows that West Virginia was a part of the great Commonwealth of Virginia up until 1863 when history is recorded that West Virginia seceded from Virginia. However, recent academia's of history have investigated this and have concluded that West Virginia actually did not secede from Virginia.........They simply rotted off....

Q: How do you get a West Virginian off your porch*?

A: Pay them for the pizza.

*may not work if you have a couch there.

Apologies to my relatives in Bluefield, all either Hokie grads or Bama :)

'89 Hokie alum, former staff, former faculty. Living in Jawja - a rescue Dawg married to a Fauxkie. Navigating the curious spaces between the ACC and the SEC since 2009.

So a journalist is traveling through West Virginia on his way back to DC during the holidays and he stops for gas in a small town. Well, across from the fillin' station is the town square with a beautifully staged nativity seen. As he's admiring the scene, he notices something odd. Right in the middle of the whole nativity gathering are three figures fully outfitted as firefighters, helmets, coats and boots and all. The journalist gets back in his car and leaves thinking, you got love the quirkiness of small towns. A bit further on his journey he comes to stop light in another small town and looks over and spots another nativity scene in front of a church and sure enough there are three firefighters in this one as well. He pulls out of town thinking now that can't be a coincidence.

As he comes to the next town his investigative instincts kick in and he goes in search of a nativity scene. After a few minutes right there on the edge of town in front of someone's house he finds one. And sure enough there are the three firefighters in full regalia. Well now he's a little stirred up about this and decides he's going to visit one more town and if he finds the same thing, he's going to start asking some hard questions.

Well if your still with me this far, you know what happens, 4th town, 4th nativity scene, and yep 3 more firefighters. So he spies a little diner across the street from the nativity scene. He pulls in, goes inside and orders a cup of coffee. When the waitress brings it back to the table he says, "mam, is it ok if I ask you a question" and she says, "sure hun, whatcha ya wanna know?" "Well I've driven through four towns this evening and in all four I've seen a manger scene with some thing very odd. Each one included three fully outfitted firefighters and I can't for the life of me figure out why. The waitress looked at him a bit quizzically and says, "young man, don't you read your Bible?" The journalist smiled and says, "well yes mam I do, 12 years of Catholic School came with quite a bit of Bible reading." She looks him right in the eye and says, "well it says right there in the story of the savior's birth that three wise men came from a faarr."

"Don't go to, go through"

You know why they call West Virginia "Almost Heaven"?

Because it's right next to Virginia.

Frank Beamer is driving through the backwoods of West bahgawd Virginia. It's a beautiful autumn day and he's got the windows down enjoying life. He glances out the side and in the distance through the woods, he sees this mountain of a man sprinting through the hills and Frank realizes he chasing a big 10 point buck. The big guy catches the deer and swiftly breaks it's neck with a quick twist of his hands. Frank is amazed and instantly stops the car. As the man is cleaning his prey, a huge black bear comes up behind him and knocks the knife out of his hands. The mountaineer turns and begins wrestling with the bear for the kill. He pins the bear, knocks it out with a punch, grabs his knife, and kills the bear. Franks has never seen anything like it and goes up to talk to him.

"Son, you just ran down a buck in his prime. I think you're faster than Michael Vick. Then you wrestled and killed a black bear. I think you're meaner and tougher than Bruce Smith. I just have one question. Can you pass a football?"

The hillbilly quietly thinks for a minute and replies, "Maybe, if you put some butter on it first."

aways up for a challenge - you gotta love that

Onward and upward

Two Mountaineers saw a dog licking himself. One says, "I wish I could do that." The other says, "Why, that dog would bite you."

2022 Season Challenge: Wrasslin'
Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020), Batman (2021)

Alternative punch line, Trust me you don't, that dog bit the hell out me when I tried.

"Don't go to, go through"

Right from the late, great Lewis Grizzard.

His best story, though:

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

good stories! Thanks for sharing

Onward and upward

I remember reading Grizzard's columns in the newspaper. He was the definitive Southern humorist.

Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

Thank you for sharing that - I played for my Dawg spouse during a commercial break. "That dawg's gonna bite yew" is a common phrase on our farm when someone is about to do something stupid.

'89 Hokie alum, former staff, former faculty. Living in Jawja - a rescue Dawg married to a Fauxkie. Navigating the curious spaces between the ACC and the SEC since 2009.

A joke about West Virginia?

Any road that isn't a toll road.

Seriously, as a poor college student, I thought I'd skip the tolls by going around on Paint Creek Road. The potholes were bigger than my car.

Never Forget #1 Overall Seed UVA 54, #64 UMBC 74

Can confirm. I just drove that way last month and I always have Google Maps set to skip tolls. That is one dicey side road just to avoid tolls. Won't do that again, I'll just pay.

It's the Tuesday at 3pm truck-stop strip-club of roads

Never Forget #1 Overall Seed UVA 54, #64 UMBC 74

Little do people know that WVU actually formally applied to be a member of the ACC, but we had to reject them because the application was filled out in Crayon.

This is my school
This is home

Yeah but "ASS" was really close.

"Don't go to, go through"

Homer grew up in Bluefield, Va. and wanted to go to VT but he wasn't accepted. So he applied to WVU and was accepted. Fast forward and Homer is 32 years old and has been a full time student at WVU for 14 years. He has become famous and is a legend at WVU for his perseverence and determination. He just can't graduate due to poor academics, but he's determined to get his degree. Finally the alumni and faculty called upon the University President to do something special for Homer and graduate him. They decided that to make it special, they would do a special ceremony at halftime of the WVU homecoming football game. At halftime as planned, the WVU President and some senior faculty stood in the middle of the field and called out Homer to join them. The crowd stood and cheered because Homer was a legend. The President announced that he was gonna ask Homer a question and if he answered correctly he would earn his degree from WVU. The sellout crowd of WVU fans and alumni hushed as the President asked Homer the question, What equals 2 plus 2. Homer thought hard and answered, four. The crowd roared, give him another chance, give him another chance !!!

That should be the President asked the crowd to give him another chance.

#Let's Go - Hokies

West Virginia kid comes home to tell his dad that he's engaged. Dad's first question is if she's a virgin-the kid proudly announces that she is. Dad responds that there's no way he can marry her. When the kid asks why the dad responds "if she's not good enough for her family she's not good enough for ours"

West Virginia

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Jet Sweep

What's the first thing a girl from West Virginia does in the morning?

......Go home.

My wife takes the kids and leaves the house while I watch my Hokie games.........nuff said