Did you know that neither Beethoven nor Mozart ever wrote any music or at least there is no proof that they did. Ever since they died, they have been decomposing.
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The new Pope Leo XIV being catholic of course knows all about sin. But because he has a degree in mathematics from Villanova University, he also knows all about cos.
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the guy in front of me there was being a real ass about not getting prime rib, but when they threatened not to give him anything he accepted the jerked chicken.
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I've been living in a new city for about five months now and finally have gotten around to visiting some of the outdoor spaces, taking in the views, enjoying the wildlife. Unfortunately, after cataloging the local creatures by size, I was asked to leave.
Apparently, they don't like me critter sizing.
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Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my Australian Cattle Dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog? What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** end and a car hit me.
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My therapist told me that to be less angry with people, I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.
It really helped a lot, but I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with the letters.
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Comments
Sdrawkcab I'm a Lasagna Hog, go hang a salami
Looks like we are in for a bad spell of wether.
I had to read it twice before I got it. Well done.
I've read it 5 times and still don't get it...but now I do want to go get some salami.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
I was lying in bed this morning looking up at my ceiling. Not sure if it is the best ceiling in the world, but it's up there.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
.
.
.You park your car, man.
I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
Geology rocks, but Geography's where it's at.
Two men walk into a bar.....you think the second one would have seen it.
Did you know that neither Beethoven nor Mozart ever wrote any music or at least there is no proof that they did. Ever since they died, they have been decomposing.
What's brown and sits on the piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement.
Why did the elephant quit his job? He was working for peanuts.
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck!
Politics are ridiculous, but you know truly is backwards? Ylurt
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What happens when you clean a vacuum?
You become a vacuum cleaner.
Why couldn't the couple get married at the Library? It was all booked up.
What do you call a snake that loves building houses? a boa constructor.
Why should you never buy anything with Velcro? It is a total rip-off.
What's the best kind of bird to work at a construction company? A crane!
What did the shovel say to the sand? I really dig you.
Whew. I thought it was going to be something like, "Let me dig up your crabs".
My disabled girlfriend dumped me. I was so mad I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Did you fix the brakes?
IYKYK
Without geometry life is pointless.
what is the worst part of a money addiction? Withdrawal.
Why did the Banana put on sunscreen? Because he didn't want to peel!
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.
In honor of the recent Easter Holiday...
Why did the Energizer Bunny go to jail? He was charged with battery.
What do rabbits need after getting caught in the rain? A Hare dryer.
Why is Easter a dangerous time for investors?
Because they have all of their eggs in 1 basket.
Assume this was meant to be 'inventor, but then thought well..it could be inverters.
My guess was 'investors'
That works even better I'd agree.
Doh! Corrected to investors.
Wait, Albert Einstein is real? I thought he was a theoretical physicist...
Guy #1: How did your Zoom date go?
Guy #2: Terrible. I told her a bunch of jokes and she didn't laugh once.
Guy #1: I guess your just not remotely funny.
People are making apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.
The new Pope Leo XIV being catholic of course knows all about sin. But because he has a degree in mathematics from Villanova University, he also knows all about cos.
Yeah but because he's Chicago he knows about chic.
The female janitor at work asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her.
I said no cause I can't handle high maintenance women.
Outstanding.
Why do Songbirds hate Hummingbirds?
Because they don't know the words
Did you hear about the new restaurant? It's called Karma. There is no menu, you just get what you deserve.
Oh, my daughter took me there for Father's Day.
When I told them that I had been in a tug of war with the pig, they gave me the pulled pork.
the guy in front of me there was being a real ass about not getting prime rib, but when they threatened not to give him anything he accepted the jerked chicken.
https://x.com/i/status/1933858546501709987
I asked my date to go to the gym with me the other day. She never showed up. That's when I knew we would never work out.
I've started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable....
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire! 😏
Why do women have cleaner minds than men?
Because they change them more often.
You might get in REAL trouble for that ... but I like it (and now I'm in trouble).
Play that funky music...
play that funky music right...
That tickled the hell out of me, but now I realize I'm stuck with a new earworm. Thanks, thanks a lot.
My seasickness comes in waves.
Dangit Smitty - Don't make me think on a Monday! /s
That took me entirely too long to process.
Just needs a corn kernel on top....
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
took me a second to see it
then I saw it
Dang! You won't horsing around were you?
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"
She is watching our wedding video again.
Woman: 'Men only want one thing and its disgusting!'
Man: 'Then wash it!'
Philosophers only want one thing and it's discussing.
Oilmen only want one thing and it's this, gushing.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Turns out I'm not even remotely funny.
Diarrhea awareness week starts on Monday...
Runs until Friday
Say each of the vowels in Celine Dion out loud.
Blind prostitutes...you've really got to hand it to them.
How do you tell when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
(edit: just saw this was a screen shot earlier in the thread. I am filled with shame)
How do you know when a Dad Joke has matured...
When its full groan
But hey, after not having anything posted here for a week, look at the flood of dad jokes I have gotten people to unleash!
https://twitter.com/i/status/1971910328306094137
https://x.com/i/status/1972056875735912817
https://twitter.com/i/status/1971989161960984752
What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor
I've been living in a new city for about five months now and finally have gotten around to visiting some of the outdoor spaces, taking in the views, enjoying the wildlife. Unfortunately, after cataloging the local creatures by size, I was asked to leave.
Apparently, they don't like me critter sizing.
Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my Australian Cattle Dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog? What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** end and a car hit me.
Here I figured you got extra exercise as every dog in the neighborhood was chasing you for the dog food in your pockets.
Supervisor: There is a new mental health training at work, but it is optional if you want to join.
Me: No, of course I do not want to join. I don't need it.
Supervisor: How do you know that?
Me: Because the voices tell me that I'm fine. And I always listen to the voices.
I went to a baseball game and thought it was odd all the infants there only got hungry in the bottom half of the inning.
Then my wife explained that they root root root for the home team
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
I wanted to come up with a great chemistry joke.
Unfortunately, they argon.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
You have probably not heard of herbivore.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokie Pokey.
But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
This one and the one about the dog and the ball actually made my wife laugh out loud, a first for dad jokes.
I can say from personal experience, chemists just want to have fun.
Camping is intense
My pet mouse, Elvis, died last night. He was caught in a trap.
To the guy who invented zero ... thanks for nothing.
They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand ... but that is just a ballpark figure.
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
LOVE IT!!!!. This is what I'm getting my brother for Christmas this year!
Scientists recently combined DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.
It was a fiasco. Things went sideways really fast.
I had to read the sign a couple of times before I got it. That was good.
Why was the letter e the only letter to get a gift from Santa?
Because all of the other letters were not e
My therapist told me that to be less angry with people, I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.
It really helped a lot, but I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with the letters.