Tailgating is 90% Mental

A mantra is starting to develop that happens every year this time, “I can’t wait for Football season”. The dog days of summer seem to bring relentless heat and excitement for a time most consider the best season of the year. Screw Christmas, santa’s fat ass doesn’t bring in one arm grabs for a TD. It’s a feeling is somewhat akin to the first time one’s about to bed a drunken conquest. Trepidation, perspiration (TMI?), and the excitement of what to expect. Sadly that moment couldn’t have been prepared for. However, how you plan and proceed into these vital next few months can be. Our boys are currently giving all they’ve got on the practice field to get ready. And here I am clicking refresh 80 times a day on ESPN. Equally as brutal. Nonetheless, I think we all can do a lot more to ready ourselves for what more often than not is a weekend long assault to body and soul. What will transpire is not a list of remedies post gameday but a preemptive strike to soften the blow. Let’s start with preparing the spouse/significant other.

I could give two shits about who wears the pants in your relationship but one of you does. Saying we both do tells me otherwise. Sadly this member also doesn’t share the same fanaticism as you about football more times than not. They will be your biggest hurdle come these coveted weekends going forward. Add kids, you’re fucked. Kidding, I love kids. Great beer retrievers. Anyway, “honey do lists” are a must have and actually DO right now. Picking wallpaper is about as fun as watching paint dry, see what I did there? Teehee. The more you do right now will lend to leeway come early September. Half ass causes work though. Do it right or you’ve added more nagging. You’ll need to further cover your bases though by giving your significant other a schedule. Compromise means you only get half your cake, but that bitch better be damn good. List off marquee games, events, etc to establish “let me do my thang” time slots. Doing this stuff early will pay dividends and they may even join in the fun. If not, cool, more chips for you.

For the rest of us, single or stringing someone along, simply skip the above. The rest of this is more for you and I but applicable to all nonetheless, by varying degree. We’ll begin with my second favorite part of tailgating. The food. To this point you’ve been eating lean chicken breast, Greek yogurt, and house salads with no dressing. It’s beach season. Gold star. That shits about to change though. Keep it up for the most part but spend at least one night a week gorging yourself with the stuff you actually love. Turn pizza night into entire pizza for myself night or go Ms. Pacman on a bag of Doritos. If you can’t extend that gut bag now you’ll look the fool come the first tailgate. No one likes the asshole who brings the hummus platter with whole grain pita chips either. I’m not trying to eat something that looks like what I’ll soft serve out the next morning. You get the point, but I feel it necessary as another common mistake lies with the “Grill Master”. For fuck’s sake if you are going to go all alpha and obtain the starter position here you better be good at it. No, the burners aren’t distributing heat unevenly you just overcooked the hot dogs. Hot dogs! The only food already cooked! I can’t tell you how many times someone says they own a grill and make the best ribs only to screw up a hamburger. If you are that good, practice. Grilling out at home serves as an outlet to make good stuff, drink, and be creative all the while enjoying the great outdoors. Do yourself a favor and just practice this one for the hell of it, but if you stumble on a pulled pork recipe or beer can chicken do share with the masses.

Just as fun in sharing with the masses is that of booze. Drinking is the quintessential aspect of tailgating and something I pride myself on doing well. The outcome of each endeavor is varied but this isn’t an AA meeting. Onto the tips for preparation. Untappd is a cool little social networking tool associated with the aforementioned. However, your snoody taste for uber pils, IPA’s, and all other microbrews need take the back seat. They don’t sell the 60 minute IPA by the case nor does anyone want to rip into one. Cleanse your palette going forward every so often with the beasts, ribbon winners, and fratty lights you used to enjoy before you became cultured. And boring the rest of the year. For the drinking impaired a.k.a two beer chump I won’t advocate becoming an alcoholic or even binge drinking for that matter. Maybe try for three though? Water in between drinks is suggested for all and a good illusion for pounding them down as well. The only issue that arises with this is Sally Slurrs-a-lot after a cup of bourbon and diet. This one is also apt to want to try the beer bong and have it skyrocket out their nose onto your face. Point being know your limits and test them now. Same goes with “drinking game” ability. This is a toughie as it’s kind of hard to practice corn hole, at home, with the dog. However, Kobe Bryant the shit out of that bailed up paper towel into trash can or flip a plastic cup here and there between scrubbing dishes. You may have been clutch 10 years ago but getting the last cup ain’t like riding a bike. Anything to keep hand-eye coordination strong is key.

I’m not sure to this point how I’d rate the importance of preparation in said areas but listen up. A fan is someone who cares about their team. Not, one who just wears paraphernalia and screams because everyone else is. If you can take the time to read about Minaj’s nip slip or post funny YouTube vids on your wall you can certainly skim over a roster for key position players names and their numbers. Bare fucking minimum know the QB’s name. Some asshat once told me he looooved the Giants after their Superbowl win but didn’t know who Eli Manning was, GTFO.
Conversely, if you act hot shit with facts and figures actually do your home work. There are people just as into the team as you and worse are those who hate your team and know about them more than you. Been there, burns worse than the clap. If nothing else learning about all the things your team has done this offseason will get you excited as well as be able to provide talking points when the big day comes. Suggestions for further fact finding missions are as follows: break out players, staff changes, starters, seniors/returners, key rivalries, traditions, etc.

Lastly, doing ones homework will soften the inevitable blow of a big fat L. We love to rationalize and knowing the team can be a great springboard for excuses. Analyzing play by plays to do so makes you look like a dork. Were shooting for over generalizations here. Things like ” if that ref didn’t call that ___ penalty we would have scored.” Or possibly, “Coach ____ sucks, you don’t run on 3rd and 21.” Maybe a, “we beat ourselves” and "they were who we thought they were" here and there will work too. If your team loses a lot you have these stock piled. Some of us are fortunate to only face these depressing times more sparingly. All in all though, the best way to go is taking your lumps and being a good sport. Hate them for winning but don’t be a sore loser about it. If you’re going to cry you might as well have stayed home watching Project Runway. Tool.

I love football. You should too. Hopefully this helps ready you to love it that much more.

DISCLAIMER: Blog posts may not have been written or edited by The Key Play staff.

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"I don't know what a Hokie is, but God is one of them.' So I'm going with God. I'm going with Virginia Tech." Lee Corso Aug 23, 2000

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