Halfwits and Wagers Would Prefer a Noon Game

In a stunning turn of events, Virginia Tech football did not lose last week, blessing its scarred fan base with a much-needed holiday reprieve. And this week, a well-rested, reinvigorated Hokies team led by Justin Fuente and Co. look to right the ship with a primetime matchup against...No. 3 Clemson (with a healthy Trevor Lawrence!). Thank you, ACC football scheduling gods.

Joey's Record for Pitt Week (& Season Total): 5-2 (35-28-1)
The Fifth Fuller's Record for Pitt Week (& Season Total): 6-1 (31-31-1)

Without further ado, on to the lines!

True / False: Virginia Tech quarterbacks out-rush Virginia Tech running backs

Joey: This feels like the right place to bid adieu to the fan-favorite, bulldozing quarterback known around these parts as QP4. Patterson, who announced his intent to transfer on Monday, will no doubt be missed in Blacksburg, but rest assured that Brad Cornelsen spent the entire bye week devising ways to scheme up 3rd-and-long QB draws for a now healthy Braxton Burmeister.

Fuente said QB Braxton Burmeister is healed up. He broke three toes in practice a few weeks ago. "He smashed the snot out of them," Fuente said. #Hokies— Andy Bitter (@AndyBitterVT) November 30, 2020

As an aside, does it feel strange to anyone else that we found out about 3 broken toes on the Hokies' season-opener starter at quarterback only after they had fully healed? Tech football in 2020, I suppose...

Back to the matter at hand, I like the slimmed down quarterback room in this one. Clemson figures to load up against the run and dare Hendon Hooker to beat them through the air, which means a whole lot of prayers go-routes to Tre Turner and plenty of QB keepers in the run game for Hooker.

The Fifth Fuller: Alas, poor Quincy, you threw fades well. Do you remember how excited we all were when QP4 committed and knew that he was the future of the program? No...no, you're thinking of Dematrius Davis. Uh...no, that was Dwayne Lawson. No, that was Jerod Evans. Man, there sure have been some problems convincing quarterbacks to stick around Blacksburg, or even getting them there in the first place. Apparently Fuente was playing 6 dimensional chess and expected this move ALL ALONG, which is apparent because the QB pipeline after Hooker is STACKED with...Knox Kadum. And verbal commit Tahj Bullock, who will get here the year after Hooker leaves, the ideal situation for transitioning from one quarterback to another. Everything's fine!

Anyway, I feel like it's been long enough for Khalil Herbert's hamstring to have healed, so I fully expect lots of QB keepers and Raheem Blackshear sightings and JET SWEEPS! Honestly, I doubt that anything Tech does will work very effectively, so I'm going to bet on the most talented guy in the backfield and say Herbert is going to lead the RBs to more yards than the QBs. Now, that may be 13 yards against -7, but that over/under is a different conversation.

Most Receiving Yards: Tre Turner or the Field

Joey: After a brief (rumored) flirtation with the transfer portal / opting out and waiting for a competent offensive staff (and really, who could blame him?), Tre Turner is apparently sticking with the Hokies for another week. And while the real line may actually be whether Turner suits up against UVA after what figures to be a Clemson bloodbath, I do think he'll continue his strong rapport with Hooker and lead the Hokies in receiving once again.

For the record, yes, Tre plays against UVA, but only because he's still pissed about last year. Then he'll take one last PBR chug from the Commonwealth Cup, pack his shit up, and go somewhere with a passing scheme more sophisticated than the Little Giants.

The Fifth Fuller: Oy. Clemson doesn't have quite the intimidating pass defense that you'd expect, but as Joey will cover in the next line, a lot of teams ain't exactly facing the number ones at the end of the game. So it's somewhat tempting to take the field here, because even the teams that are getting smoked will throw in their backups to get game experience once things get out of hand. Then I remembered Hooker running QB sneaks while the Hokies were up big on BC late and realized that Cornelsen will probably be running Turner on crossing routes straight into a Herbstreit kid dropping a highlight reel hit on him while time is expiring on a 47-point blowout. So, let's go with Turner.

Over / Under: 0.5 Fourth Quarter Snaps for Trevor Lawrence

Joey: So, I've crunched the numbers. Trevor Lawrence has only played in 3 of 7 fourth quarters this season (in games which he appeared), ironically about the same rate (~43%) at which Virginia Tech wins football games (~44%). Squaring off with an embattled defense that future Virginia Tech head football coach Clemson offensive
coordinator Tony Elliot described as "all over the place", I think Lawrence can probably head downtown, get himself a second half rail, catch the last 15 minutes from TOTS, and be nice and lathered up for "I'm Proud To Be An American" at midnight. Under.

The Fifth Fuller: I really stressed over this one; the Hokies could definitely put up a fight and, if not put the brakes on the Clemson offense, at least put a governor on them to slow it down somewhat. Keeping it close this long seemed truly obtainable. Then I re-read the line and realized it said 4th quarter, not 3rd, and lol, they're dropping that kid in a bucket of ice before the tuba players do the Hokie Pokie. Wait, is that still a thing this season? Under.

Over / Under: 500 yards of Total Offense for Clemson

Joey: Well, not to be a simpleton, but seeing as Clemson just racked up 581 yards of offense against Pitt (who, in case you've forgotten, recently beat Tech by 33), I like the over here.

To be fair, I do think the bye week will help Justin Hamilton and his unit self-scout and get some juice back in their legs...but it's insanely bad timing to get Clemson. Sorry, J-Ham.

The Fifth Fuller: Part of me remembers the Hokies being competitive with Miami down to the wire and thinks, hey, they might rise to the occasion. Then I checked, and Miami got pwned by Clemson by 25. And Tech gave up 466 yards of total offense to Liberty. Joey has confidence in J-Ham that I am not quite able to muster, the only way I see this staying low is if they blow the doors off so early that their foot is off the gas by halftime. Over.

Dealer's Choice: Name Tech's Uniform Combo

Joey: As this website's preeminent source for nailing uniform predictions, I see two main options for the Hokies' nationally televised tussle with Dabo:

1. All Maroon Everything. This is the bold (or perhaps downright foolish) pick that would likely dig #AME's grave a few feet deeper, but damn they would look good doing it.
2. Maroon-Maroon-White. The traditional, conservative, "let's get this over with" pick, otherwise known as the wise man's choice.

Ultimately, I think this comes down to who gets final say and/or veto power over uniform selections. If it's a players-only decision, I think they roll the dice and go all-maroon. If Fuente has a say, I'd imagine his agent's personal preference is to make as little noise as possible before exiting stage left later this month. I'll ride with the latter. Maroon-Maroon-White.

The Fifth Fuller: I have done a lot of uniform history research, and I'm a patterns guy. The last four times the Hokies have lost to played Clemson, they've gone solid colors, the All Whites or #AME. They try to get hyped up for Clemson, which, sadly, has not worked since Macho Harris was wrecking shop in Death Valley. They're going to be getting pantsed playing on NATIONAL TELEVISION, the ABC Saturday night game! Out there STYLIN. I have never seen a more obviously bad All Maroon Everything call, which means they're definitely not going to do it. Eff it, just do it and be legends. #AME FTW!

Disclaimer: This column was written on Wednesday evening, prior to the official uniform release on social media (obviously).

The Joey Coogan Memorial "Navy Hits the Over" Lock of the Week

Joey: I'm torn this week between the Wisconsin/Indiana Under 45.5 (backup quarterback for Indiana, two good defenses, Big Ten football weather, etc.) and the Tulsa/Navy Over 49.5. But with this pick's title in mind, I think I have to go Navy. The Midshipmen may not score much themselves, but No. 24 Tulsa has averaged nearly 34 points per game over their last 5 (all victories), and figures to surpass that number against Navy's sieve of a defense. (And yes, I'm aware Navy only gave up a ten spot last week against Memphis, but they can't possibly be good two weeks in a row!)

Separately, picking Navy was my shameless excuse to work in the awesome uniforms they're sporting for Army/Navy next week, the unquestioned No. 1 spectacle in college football (and probably sports in general).

175 years of history, tradition, and honor all lead to this.The 2020 Army-Navy Uniform#BeatArmy | #BuiltDifferent pic.twitter.com/Ffc5SIkeAZ— Navy Football (@NavyFB) December 1, 2020

The Fifth Fuller: Since Joey stole Bedlam from me last time out, I went looking for the Pokes and this week's line didn't disappoint. I don't know if the bookies are overly focused on the Frogs winning last week 59-23, but that was against Kansas, who has been making the old Big East Temple and Rutgers teams look like the 85 Bears. TCU has been losing to teams they should lose to and beating the teams they should beat. They should lose to the Fightin T Boone Pickens', and by more than 2.5. Take Okie State this week.

Spread: Clemson -22

Joey: You're probably tired of hearing me say this after an excruciating month of Hokie football, but I don't understand this line. I mean, Clemson comes in fresh off a 35-point shellacking of Pitt, a game that was quite literally never in doubt after Trevor Lawrence and Co. rattled off 31 points in the first quarter. Keep in mind, all this occurred in a game that Clemson was favored by 24, somehow two points more than Tech is getting on Saturday night. So yeah, I'm at a loss for words as to why Vegas seemingly continues to respect this football team.

That said, I'm certainly not above profiting from it. Clemson -22.

The Fifth Fuller: This weekend feels like it's going to be the nadir of Hokie football while I've been around. And I've been around for some doozies. 1998, with Temple, the Donovan McNabb game and the UVA comeback. The Matt Ryan game. The Georgia Peach Bowl. JMU. ODU. Liberty. IT WAS A CATCH. All of those were painful in particular ways, but mostly because the Hokies were competitive and, in many cases, SHOULD have won. Then there's another category, that unfortunately is becoming more prevalent recently. The LSU beatdown in 2007 always comes to mind, but over the last few years, it's transitioned to getting pounded by conference foes. Losing to Pitt by 30. Losing to DUKE at HOME by 35. Two weeks ago against Pitt. AGAIN. Those were games that the Hokies looked like they had no business being on the same field as their opponent. I am worried that the Hokies aren't even going to give Clemson enough trouble to get Brent Venable's Pullback Guy some work. I am very concerned that things are going to bottom out Saturday night. And it sucks to see your opponent favored by 22 and wonder why it's so low. Go Hokies, but bet on Clemson.

Disclaimer: Some of these are real betting lines, but many of them are fake and none of this is real advice that should be taken seriously.