Dad Jokes 2021

Last February, I started a Dad Joke thread which others continued. I suspended my participation at the start of football season because I didn't want anything to distract from the season that I was convinced would be special. My O&M glasses misled me again. [Sigh] Well football season is over, so are you ready for some more (painful or is it "punful"?) fun?

As I said at the time:

I have enjoyed (in my own sadistic kind of way) an app on my new phone called "Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes" ( https:/icanhazdadjokes.com ). [The jokes are not copywritten and I did get their OK to post them as long as I attributed the content to them. ] Examples:
• When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
• RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
• What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe when he nearly walked into an oak tree? ..... Poetry!
..... (what Dad wouldn't want to embarrass their kids in front of their friends with a few of these groaners?).

Here are a few "new" ones to start off the 2021 rendition of Dad Jokes:
• A stake pun is a rare medium, well done.
• What do you call a cow with no legs?
--- Ground beef
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
--- Frostbite
• What do you call a bee that lives in America?
--- A USB
• What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
--- Atire
• You know what they say about cliff hangers?

Forums: 
DISCLAIMER: Forum topics may not have been written or edited by The Key Play staff.

Comments

Groundhog Day is kind of a dad joke in and of itself, isn't it?

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Hey wait a minute

Deja Vu all over again

Go Hokies

When does a joke become a dad joke?

It becomes apparent.

I gotta throw this one out, the other day, my 6 year old boy was doing something around the house, and was struggling a little bit so I asked, "hey bud, you need a hand?"

he deadass looked at me and said "No thanks, I already have two"

Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

Why does James Bond not fart in bed?

It might blow his cover.

HTHokie93

This might not be a dad joke but:

You: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
[Everyone]: Arrrr!
You: Yes, you might think so. But a pirate's true love will always be the sea.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?

Beer.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

GD engineers.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Hey, I was Biochemistry! Calling me an engineer ...

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

With telling jokes like that, you are toeing they line, Buddy.

Queue the" got my eye in you" memes.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

At the end of the interview JC Price had with Doc Holliday at Marshall, he said "I'm your huckleberry" to close the deal.

DH: What's your price?
JC: that's my name
DH: I know but what's your price?
JC: it's just my name Doc
DH: slow down son, I'm no doctor

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

I once thought I was wrong; but I was mistaken.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Answer: I don't know and I don't care..

Why did A go into the bathroom and come out as an E?
Answer: Because he had a vowel movement.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry...

He had selfie steam issues.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From my daughters 2nd Grade Zoom call/class meeting

Kid: Why did the Turkey go across the road and come back?
Teacher: To get something from the other side?
Kid: No, To prove he wasn't chicken

It's an unwritten law that it's my lunch pail. I've issued the challenge. If someone outworks me, they can get it.
Darryl Tapp

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans app:

When I am under attack, I tuck my knees to my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

A man was caught stealing in a grocery store while balancing the shoulders of two vampires. He was accused of shoplifting on two counts.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What are people who take care of chickens called?

Chicken tenders.

Ok so I am going to reveal my own personal joke that maybe 10 people I have heard ...

What do you call a cutie pie that likes to take her top off?

A tart

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans app :

I went to the zoo today but I wouldn't want anyone else to waste their time going. There was only one animal in the whole zoo and it was just a small dog. It was a shih tzo.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Within minutes the detectives figured what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

We all know about Murphy's Law - Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard about Cole's Law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage.

HTHokie93

Where do toy stores keep their Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

HTHokie93

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

HTHokie93

from the Laughs and Groans app :
A doll was found dead in a rice paddy last night. It was the most recent known instance of nick knack paddy wack.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Me: Will you remember me in a day?
Wife: Of course, honey.
Me: Will you remember me in a week?
Wife: Of course, my love.
Me: Will you remember me in a year?
Wife: No doubt, dear.
Me: Knock, Knock
Wife: Who's there?
Me: LIAR!!!!

We put the K in Kwality

Two men walk into a bar.
The first man asks for H2O
The second one says I will have H2O too
The second man died.

Chemistry!

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

"Better living through"?

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Johnny's father is a chemist
But Johnny is no more
What Johnny thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

2021 Season Challenge: only comment with Batman memes.

Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020)

Had to drop him here

From the Laughs and Groans app:

What was Forest Gump's Facebook password?

A - 1forest1

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Thanks for looking out.

Five star get after it 100 percent Juice Key-Playing. MAN

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Why does it take longer to get from second base to third base than it does to get from first base to second?
--- Answer: Because there is a Shortstop in between, of course.

How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
--- Answer : A little shaken

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;

There are no canaries there either.

HTHokie93

I re-read this joke almost everyday. And each time, I laugh hysterically.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

From the Laughs and Groans app:
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it is still stumped?

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
My pet mouse "Elvis" died last night. He was caught in a trap.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Not very far. Judging from the gearing, the seat/pedal positions relative to one another, and the fact that it's turning a tractor tire tells me you won't want to be on it very long.

and it's horny.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can't read anything.

HTHokie93

I asked my grandpa how he was enjoying his new stairlift.

He said, " Hate it. It's driving me up the wall."

HTHokie93

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Yes, chemistry strikes again!!!!

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

That joke is not quite a gas.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Did you know that the first French Fries weren't even made in France They were cooked in Greece,
.
.
Why did the dolphin get a degree in marine biology? He wanted to find his porpoise in life.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Interestingly enough, Thomas Jefferson is why they are called French fries. When he came back from France he want his potatoes like had them in France (juilienne cut). So he asked for his potatoes "French style".

So technically speaking, French fries were first made in Virginia.

My sister bet me $15 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
.
Answer: A palm tree, of course!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What rock group of four guys doesn't sing at all?
- - Answer: Mount Rushmore
,
What do you call the security guards working for Samsung?
- - Answer: Guardians of the Galaxy

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Mean Girls implies the existence of Median Girls, Mode Girls and Range Girls.

careful about those STDev girls

Well, do you want to be a Min girl or a Max girl?

Max girls always have a bad Histo(ri)gram.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What should you do if attacked by clowns?
- - Answer: Go for the juggler.
,
What two questions, you can never answer with a "Yes"?
- - Answer: "Are you asleep?"; "Are you dead?."
.
What did the horse say when he fell down?
- - Answer: "I've fallen and I can't giddy up."

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
- - Answer: Follow the fresh prints.
.
Did you hear the awful rumor about butter?
- - Wait, we shouldn't spread it.
.
You've never tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you are missing.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I saw a guy drop all of his Scrabble letters on the road.

I had to ask him, "What's the word on the street?"

HTHokie93

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Despite the odd name, she tortoise well.

HTHokie93

The recipe said to set the oven to 180 degrees. Now I can't open it because the door is facing the wall.

HTHokie93

For lent I am giving up alcohol and donating what would have been spent on it to charity.

Can you believe that my wife suggested - and daughter agreed - that I should give up (1) using TKP and (2) telling dad jokes instead?

Keep posting the dad jokes guys. I need more ammunition to hit them with!

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It's gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

HTHokie93

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's cap-sized.

HTHokie93

When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

HTHokie93

Not sure that really qualifies as a dad joke, but I almost laughed out load at it!

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

We don't want to hear about your load on here, this is a dad joke thread, stop trying to raise the decorum in here.

He means F**k that.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad , I had to take his bike away.

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans app:
There has been a lot of snow and cold temperatures here in the Winchester area, so my wife and I pulled out some favorite dvds and watched three back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Silly putty implies the existence or serious putty.

It's also known as C4.

My English friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.

HTHokie93

If you see a crime in a Apple store, what does that make you?
- - An iWitness

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What do you call a $3.00 cherry pie in Jamaica and a $5.00 apple pie in Aruba?
- - Answer: Pie rates of the Caribbean.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

When is a British tennis match over?
- - Answer: When it is Wimble-done

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

I laughed...but this joke is terrible...and not just because Brits are terrible at everything they invent (which they are)....take your damn leg

No, no...assume the British are great people until you try their food. Then blame it on the Scottish, and let the English wine and dine you with French food.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Working for a British company - and having had many trips over there for projects or meetings, I wholeheartedly agree. Some wonderful people, but they have the worst cuisine in the world I am aware of. I felt my arteries hardening just looking at the English breakfast. And curry powder is not an Indian spice. "Curry" just means a dish with spices (i.e., beef and potato curry = beef + potatoes + spices). But the Brits couldn't figure out that you use different spices, so curry powder was invented for the Brits. Well, at least that is what my Indian friends/former Indian girl friend/50% Indian wife have all told me.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Having lived there when I was little I can assure Brits are the most miserable people you will meet....schadenfreude should be an english phrase for "being english"....they will invent scenarios for failure in a perverse way to make themselves feel better. It's quite a scene.

Also, the british are loathe to accidentally insult they don't know...I still haven't figured that one out. You will likely never see that person again so who cares? Mind boggling....just admit to yourself you say stupid shit to strangers and go on with your life for farks sake.

Ok...rant over.

this joke is terrible

But isn't that part of being a "Dad" joke?

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What go you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I accidently ate some cat food. Don't ask meow.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

My dad always said, " Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you."
"She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Where do you take someone injured while playing peekaboo?
- - Answer: The I.C.U.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

OFFICER: It appears as if the victims we dismembered and laid on alter made of antlers.

DETECTIVE: Dear god!

OFFICER: Most likely, yes.

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Hear about the guy who stole a crate of Viagra?

He tried to hide the evidence by swallowing it.

Now he's doing 5 years of hard time.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

What starts with the letter "E", ends with the letter "E", and has one letter in it?
- - Answer: An envelope
,
Want to hear a joke about paper?
- - Never mind, it is tearable.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely out of Mediterranean flat bread?

It's a Pita Parka

HTHokie93

He musta got it in Boston.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
How does a penguin build its house?
- - Answer: Igloos it together.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What's the hardest part about riding a bike?

The pavement.

What does a triceratops sit on?
- - Answer: It's tricerabottom.

How do you count a lot of cows?
- - Answer: A cowculator.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Wouldn't it just be easier cow-nting them in your head
- my five year old son

Have you seen the size of cows nowadays? I couldn't possibly fit even one cow in my head to count it let alone a herd.

That said, your son has a great future ahead of him as a Dad joke teller.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Why was the complaining child still hungry after dinner?

They were doing too much whining and not enough dinning.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
While I was in the bookstore, I asked the salesperson where the self-help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose,
.
People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.
.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
.
What do you call a fly without any wings? Answer: A walk

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Not quite a dad joke but in the same vein:
What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

I'll allow it . gif

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

We put the K in Kwality

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
- - Answer: You rocket.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Had a Def Leppard moment there.

HTHokie93

I read a study yesterday about how prevalent the fear of spiders is in Iran...

The study concluded by explaining in Iraq no phobia.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What happens when you play a country song backwards?
You get your house back, your truck back, your wife back and your dog back.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

And your beer is full.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

This morning's Deep Thought: Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Turn me on my side and I am everything; cut me in half and I am nothing.
What am I?

The number 8.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Deleted because I don't want to drink this early.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I'm terrified of elevators...
... so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

"I'm not scared of heights. I'm scared of widths." - Steven Wright

HTHokie93

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Yesterday my wife was looking for the charger to our camera, once she found it she said "of course, it was in the last place I'd look"

Naturally, my response was "Well, I'm glad you stopped looking once you found it."

Sometimes I worry that I'll be stabbed in my sleep

Now finish up them taters; I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

The worst hotel I ever stayed at was called The Fiddle... it was a vile inn.

Did you hear about the Leprechaun Lawyer? He's magically litigious.

It's an unwritten law that it's my lunch pail. I've issued the challenge. If someone outworks me, they can get it.
Darryl Tapp

Wife: we should use the stimulus money to power wash the house.

Me: *laughing hysterically*

Kid 1: mom, what are you gonna do? Withdraw the money, and rub the bills on the side of the house?

Me: no, with power!

Kid1: you'll have to use some extra elbow grease

Wife: 😒

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Wife: Put the Cat out.

Me: I didn't realize it was in fire.

Wife: ...humpf...

We put the K in Kwality

Me (a non-lover of cats*): "Why put out the fire?"
.
Most people think the Romans used siege engine to destroy their enemy's fortifications. The real purpose was to terrorize their foes; that's why they invented cat-apults. Imagine what an angry feline falling on your head would do to morale?
.
* I don't hate cats; I just don't love them.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

We put the K in Kwality

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Today a girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I am sure she was wrong because I have never seen herbivore.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From Poshmark:

If a plant is sad, do the other plants photosympathize with it?

From my son:
What is Irish and comes out is the Spring?
- - Paddy O'Furniture

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Related:

Who did they call the "Bulletproof Irishman"?
- - Rick O'Shea

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From my wife (they are all getting into it!)
When my great grand-dad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He later passed it on to my grand-dad, who passed it on to my dad ... and one day it will be mine. It is our family hair loom.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Somebody broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From a sign in a history class for which I was subbing:
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, and all the trouble started.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What generation was Forest Gump born into?

Gen-Aaay

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I saw a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

He was actually a macrobiologist.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

the perfect crime

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

And now you're caught up with my daughters. Did not realize how long it had been since I posted to this thread.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

It was beautiful, never change

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

From the Laughs and Groans app:
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from the highway maintenance job where he was working, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

There actually needs to be twice as many NA's before Batman and another Hey before Goodbye.

Most people know that light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear to be very bright ... until they open their mouth. (Credit to one of my pastors in today's sermon for that.)
.
From the Laughs and Groans app:
An apple a day keeps the bullies away ... if you throw it hard enough.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Why did Americans develop a working airplane before anyone else?

We had the Wright stuff.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

From the Laughs and Groans app:
You ask where I learned to make ice cream?
... Answer - Sunday School

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What do you call a straight line of bunnies hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Tim: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant.

Tom: What do want with an elephant?

Tim: Nothing. I don't want any elephant; I just wish I had that much money.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
I burned 2,000 calories today. Yeah, I left my meal in the oven too long.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Dad Joke In The Wild:

So I'm working as a substitute teacher and to be honest, the kids are really rough on their computers. As a result pieces fall off. In one instance, a few keys pop off and I happen to pick the one that went the furthest away up.

I looked at the kid, showed him the key and said, "Settle down, you've almost lost CTRL of yourself."

Never Forget #1 Overall Seed UVA 54, #64 UMBC 74

Told at the start of my Zoom meeting today by a sales engineer for a large computer manufacturer.

Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine at the upholstery shop?

Really? Did he get hurt very badly?

Yes, and he's fully recovered now.

An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

You forgot:

Pain is Temporary, Chicks Dig Scars
Glory is Forever, Let's Go Hokies!!

Anyone else have trouble remembering the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?

I wish I had enough money to be eccentric instead of just weird.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What did the plant say when it woke up on Earth Day?
Thistle be the best day ever!

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Why do ships have barcodes?

Because you have to Scandinavian

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
.
Answer: A bah humbug

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What do call a pig that knows martial arts?
.
Answer: Pork chop

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Adapted from the Laughs and Groans app:
I'm entered in a bug eating contest. I'm so nervous, I have butterflies in my stomach.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Inspired by reading a recent thread.

Son: It's been a while, can you tell me a joke dad?
Dad: Have you seen VT's deal with Nike?

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

That's not a joke that's a tragedy

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Why did the house go to the doctor?
.
It was having window panes.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

This is more like a middle school joke but is still a groaner, again fro the Laughs and Groans app:
How do you make a hankie dance?
.
You put a little boogie in it.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

This one is a better dad joke, again from the Laughs and Groans app:
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It is pasteurized (past your eyes) before you've even seen it.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

🤣 I just had this conversation:

Wife: I can't drink raw milk when I'm pregnant, I need pasteurized dairy products

Me: so you need a fast cow

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

My daughter asked me, "What is a unit a power?"

I replied, "Correct."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Did a little mechanics work today.

Put a rear end in a recliner.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I have a phobia of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Today a man knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I have him a glass of water.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
My boss told to attach two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

the Laughs and Groans app (and dedicated to French): the biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He got that way from eating so much pi.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Modified from the Laughs and Groans app:
For Mother's Day, I've decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus. It's the little things that count.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Why do ships have barcodes?

Because you have to Scandinavian.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Does February like March?

No, but April May.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Based on how I look when the toast pops out of the toaster; I will never look cool waling away from an explosion.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
I just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Did you hear about the Hokie that was too addicted to doing the Hokie Pokie?

He had a hard time, but he really put his head in it and turned himself around.

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Take my comment as an upvote.

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What did the mountain climber name his son?
.
Answer: Cliff

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Put my car in reverse and thought "Wow, that really takes me back"

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

The post, or the joke?

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own

I tried to link the reel from Instagram., but the Nintendo unplugged.

Can you see the reel when you click the link? I just need to know if I gotta pull this fish back into the boat.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

How do you get a country girl?

A tractor

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

The fact that I tell dad jokes without being a dad just makes me a faux pa

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

I feel for plumbers, they go through a lot of shit.

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Don't interrupt someone who is intensely working a puzzle, or you are likely to get some crosswords.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

I like this one. I'm taking it

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Klepto

It's an unwritten law that it's my lunch pail. I've issued the challenge. If someone outworks me, they can get it.
Darryl Tapp

I'm worried about the calendar. It's days are numbered.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

I'm so glad I grew up in the 60's.

I did so much stupid shit - and there is no record of it anywhere.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I resemble that remark!

Go Hokies

Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

How do nudists clean their glasses?

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

lol, DANG! I had to read that three times before I realized the last word had a "gl" in it!

Go Hokies

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been. It's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed. "So if you don't pass the test, then you have to be the daddy?"

"Exactly," I replied back, with a big smile on my face.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

What do people say when they talk about irrelevant UVA Football?

Hoo?

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

How do you turn regular water into holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Sorry, Frosty. I somehow didn't see this before posting almost exactly the same Dad joke below.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Two silk worms were racing. They ended in a tie.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
I had a dream last night that I was lost in an ocean of orange soda in danger of drowning. It took me awhile to work out that it was only a Fanta sea.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

When your neighbor forgets to close the blinds and you see their wiener....

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

I walked in on my wife having sex with my personal trainer, and all I had to say was:

"This isn't working out"

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.


Jk it's pretty damn funny

Take this under advisement! Never ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn!

Even when you get skunked; fishing never lets you down. 🎣

This is the Dad Jokes thread, not the married guy with no kids that mow the lawn thread.

2021 Season Challenge: only comment with Batman memes.

Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020)

No they have 7 kids Elmo.

Even when you get skunked; fishing never lets you down. 🎣

From the Laughs and Groans app:
How do you make Holy Water?
.
Answer: You boil the Hell out of it.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
.
Answer: A labracabrador.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorian, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I damn near pissed myself laughing at this! take your leg.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

I love the commitment to this one

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Just had this happen with the pin screw that was holding my calendar to the wall. It's not just for bolts.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Ok I give! Little help please.

Even when you get skunked; fishing never lets you down. 🎣

There are not enough crows for a murder.

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Man! Beave is on a roll! I'll join:

Pain is Temporary, Chicks Dig Scars
Glory is Forever, Let's Go Hokies!!

This is going to be great for the ACC.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Never trust anyone carrying graph paper - they are always plotting something.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse!

CompSci

UH BS 20, VT MS 23.

Go Coogs, Go Hokies.

I would have guessed whorehouse, but that might not be considered a dad joke.

Them: "Who's skull is that?"

Me: *raising it to my lips to take a drink* "A guy named Phillip"

Them: "What's in it?"

Me: "Vodka and orange juice."

Them:

Me: "It's a Phillip's head screw driver"

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I've tried, but I cant write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals.

IM LIVID

HTHokie93

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly, traffic was fine.

No congestion for hours!

HTHokie93

From the Laughs and Groans app:
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
.
Answer: A stego-snore-ous.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Three little pigs go to a restaurant and piggy 1 orders a glass of water, while piggy 2 gets a side of halepenó poppers and piggy 3 gets a bloom'n onion.
Waiter checks back with them and Piggy 1 orders a glass of water, while Piggy 2 orders a burger w/fries , and piggy 3 gets a salad.
Waiter checks on them again for dessert and P1 orders another water, while P2 gets a milkshake and P3 gets a slice of apple pie...
P2 & P3 stop and ask P1 why he's not ordering anything, and he say's I don't know about you two, but one of us has to go "WEE WEE WEE" all the way home!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Happy Father's Day:

What did the buffalo say to their son when they dropped him off at school?
Bison.

Daughter: Dad, I'll be good if you give me $20.
Dad: Wow, when I was your age, I was good for nothing.

What does in mean when mom laughs at dad's jokes?
You have company.

Child: I wanted to get my dad what he really wants for Father's Day.
Unfortunately, I can't afford to move out yet.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,
so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.
I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I recently took a pole.

100% of the people inside the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I never trust the stairs.

They're always up to something.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

"There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who load dishwashers like they're playing some elite form of Tetris, and those who just toss sh*t in and hope to God it somehow gets washed. And they marry each other."

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

In this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig*.

* Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Pain is Temporary, Chicks Dig Scars
Glory is Forever, Let's Go Hokies!!

His wife says YES!!!!

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

I showed my wife the posting and she swiped my phone out of my hand , yelling "Yes!!!"

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

My wife is the other... I like Tetris.

This is incorrect.

This is going to be great for the ACC.

Sounds like somebody married the wrong person :p

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I get mugged by my dog for love after coming home for work everyday. After work trips she goes nuts...

Another reason why Dogs >> Cats

There is a reason the Romans used "catapults" and not something like "dogapults" when conducting sieges. The spitting, clawing felines could cause great terror when they dropped from the sky, whereas the worse the canines might do is lick you. [ All suggested with tongue in cheek. ]

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Love this! Especially since:

I get mugged by my dogs for love after coming home for work everyday.

I look forward to it.

Pain is Temporary, Chicks Dig Scars
Glory is Forever, Let's Go Hokies!!

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I shared this with my wife. She laughed. Our dog was barking at the door outside when I told the joke...funny timing

It's always darkest before the dawn ~ Thomas Fuller

True story, this happened to me two days ago. I put the dog on the leash 15 mins earlier so he could go in the backyard, and wife was on her way home from the store. The both got back to the door at the same time.

I let the dog in first.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Stolen from the internet.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I am not sure what they are laced with, but I've been trippin' all day!

From the Laughs and Groans app:
How many seconds are there in a year?
.
Answer: 12
(January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, ....)

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

OMG, I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person. I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.

I thought of posting this today, too.

Why did the Oceanography student die?

They were always underwater.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Nun went streaking across the quad today, that's quite the roaming Catholic

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

How do you catch a school of fish with just one hook?

You use a bookworm.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

2021 Season Challenge: only comment with Batman memes.

Previous Challenges: Star Wars (2019), Marvel (2020)

Pain is Temporary, Chicks Dig Scars
Glory is Forever, Let's Go Hokies!!

Doesn't matter if it's cake or pie as long as it's chocolate.

I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.

From the Laughs and Groans app:
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam

What do you get when you cross a brook and a stream?

Wet feet.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Justin Tucker kicked an NFL record 66 yard field goal today to win the game for the Ravens. Instead of celebrating, they flew away when the ball hit the crossbar. They never saw the ball go in.

He tucked it just inside the crossbar for it to bounce in.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

I think the joke here is the Detroit Lions.

They don't play with a lot pride.

Don't have a killer instinct.

Lions are blue and grey. That's usually a dead giveaway.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009