Ask TKP: Looking for guidance from the TKP staff.
I have enjoyed (in my own sadistic kind of way) an app on my new phone called "Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes" sourced by https:/icanhazdadjokes.com . [The jokes are not copywritten and I did get their OK to post them as long as I attributed the content to them. ] Examples:
- When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
- RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
- What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe when he nearly walked into an oak tree? ..... Poetry!
While I think they are funny (what Dad wouldn't want to embarrass their kids in front of their friends with a few of these groaners?), but I am not sure if it is TKP-worthy and I can imagine how it might get out of hand. Looking for guidance from the TKP staff.
Forums:
DISCLAIMER: Forum topics may not have been written or edited by The Key Play staff.
Comments
What's a Pirate's favorite letter?
Most people will say it's RRRRRR, when in fact they're in love with the "C"
Pirates spend all their time searching for gold and silver, never realizing that the true treasure is the friendships they make along the way
Pirates spend all their time looking for booty. Which, I can't even be mad at.
"Fat Bottomed Girls Make The Rockin' World Go Round"
-Blackbeard
-Freddie Mercury
-Michael Scott
-APFOW
This is actually incorrect. It is "P" because without P they are Irate.
Yaaar wrong! It is Aye that is the favorite letter!
My turn! My turn! (Coming from a dad with 6 kids)
What is a whale's favorite game?
—"Swallow" the leader
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones a little heavy and ones a little lighter.
https://www.thekeyplay.com/content/2018/april/10/ot-good-jokes
I'm sorry, I missed that. Can this whole thread be merged with that one?
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
...dam
What do West Virginians do during Halloween? Pumpkin
Why go across town when you can go across the hall?
I like the embarrassment factor!
What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's butt? - A mechanic
How do you tell the difference between a boy and girl ant?
Put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats its boy ant (buoyant).
Once I was doing the dishes, I said I have to unwet the dishes.
two guys walked into a bar, third one ducked.
/s
I can fix that no problem.
What does a prospector yell when he finds a precious metal in a gender non-binary mountain?
..."there's gold in them/their hills!"
Did you hear about the high pressure camping trip the Scouts went on last weekend?
It was intense (in tents).
Dad Joke Calendar, 21 February:
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
From Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes:
What lies in the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer: A nervous wreck.
Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?
It's all over town...
It's not Dad jokes, it's popcorn.
Got called out for bad Dad joke when discussing what the differences between a crocodile and alligator.
Crocodiles have smaller noses and live in warmer climates whereas alligators have wider noses and live in more temperate climates and can even survive frozen ice-covered ponds. But, to be honest, the best way to tell the difference is that one you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later.
These jokes are all in good pun,
If the recruiting threads keep fighting back there, Joe's going to pull the entire website over.
Why do ghosts hate the rain?
It dampens their spirits.
They must be drinking the wrong spirits.
When does a sandwich cook? When it's bacon (Baking) lettuce and tomato
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
...
...
...
...
...
Because they're extinct!
Too soon.
Ah...come on. Come on.
When my preschooler son keeps getting out of bed, I tell him he's going to jail for resisting a rest.
The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.
Can confirm
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
...
...
...
...
The outside.
Why aren't their any good restaurants on the moon?
...
...
...
No atmosphere
Me: What's Popeye's favorite food??
Kid: spinach?
Me: nope!
Olive Oil 😜
You ever notice when geese fly in the v formation one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?
There's more geese on that side.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way!
A family of tomatoes are walking down the street but little Tommy keeps lagging behind. Daddy tomato gets frustrated and stomps on Tommy as he yells "Ketchup!"
I'm not even a dad (yet)
What does the crocodile call the alligator he writes letters to?
His pen palligator.
Ill see myself out, thank you.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
Robin, get in the batmobile!
What's the difference between a pork chop and an asteroid?
One's a little meaty...
This coffee tastes like dirt...
...it was ground this morning. 🤷♂️
I asked my daughter if she wanted two slices of cake on her birthday. She said yes, so I cut the one I gave her in half.
Again from Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes:
Did you hear about the guy who invented Livesavers? The say he made a mint.
That story has holes in it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 22/23 February:
If you ever open your own business, try selling stoves. You'll offer a range of hot products.
Dad Joke Calendar, 24 February:
"I'll call you later."
"Don't call me later. Call me Dad."
You shouldn't fart in the Apple store. There's no Windows.
What do you call a pitcher who uses the central urinal?
A middle reliever.
Again from Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes:
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew.
Cashew outside
How bou dat?
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
I was at the park the other day and found myself wondering why Frisbees look bigger the closer they get.
and then it hit me.
What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?
Nectarines.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two tired.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they're shellfish.
Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
Otherwise, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Dad Joke Calendar, 25 February:
Q: Why did Eve want to move to New York?
A: She fell for the Big Apple!
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says "I might be a typo".
Australian IT professionals are from the LAN down under.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender asks "what's his name?". The man says "Tiny". Bartender asks "why Tiny?". "Because he's minute (my newt)"
Why do chicken coupes have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be sedans.
Again from Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes:
Why is it so windy inside an arena?
Because of all those fans.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta....
What's the difference between the regular alphabet and the Christmas Alphabet?
The Christmas Alphabet has No "L"
Why doesn't polyester matter?
It's immaterial.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants.
Bartender says "ya know mate, you have a steering wheel in the front of your pants?"
The pirate replies "arrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"
Daughter said she was cold. I told her to stand in the corner. She asks why. I answer that the corner of the room is always 90 degrees.
Montecello called, it would like a word with you.
I don't listen to anything associated with uva ... other than the Declaration of Independence.
That's a wrecked angle.
From the Laughs and Groan Dad Jokes app:
Did you know protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
I protest this pun.
Saw on this on Snapchat...
Apparently, I misspelled "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza." Now I am in hot water with the Japanese's mafia.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she would make a very good one.
Ask wife " Hey did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Rece Something"
Her: "Witherspoon"
Me " no with a knife"
Where did you learn to make ice cream?
Answer: Sundae school
I've been slacking, so let me catch up.
Dad Joke Calendar, 26 Feb:
Most chairs are satin.
Dad Joke Calendar, 27 Feb:
Q: What shoes do linguists wear?
A: Converse
Dad Joke Calendar, 28 Feb:
I'm not addicted to brake fluid. I can stop whenever I want.
Dad Joke Calendar, 29 Feb / 1 Mar:
Q: What animal is the least interesting?
A: A boar.
Dad Joke Calendar, 2 Mar:
Don't spell "part" backward. It's a trap!
I should steal this one...
That would make you a cunning linguist, but that guy DC on the recruiting board is a master debator!
Dad Joke Calendar, 3 Mar:
Q: What do you call an average potato?
A: A commontater.
What do you call a potato that thinks it rules the world?
A Potentater..
I guess Dictator was too off-color?
Not if it's name was Richard Tater 🥔
From the Laughs and Groan Dad Jokes app:
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An orca-stra.
Not a joke, but:
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli
Dad Joke Calendar, 4 Mar:
I confronted a mime today. He did unspeakable things.
Dad Joke Calendar, 4 Mar:
Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
A: You barium.
Long time lurker (and also a dad) who finally signed up. Wow, first post is a dad joke.
Know why my pizza-based dad jokes are the best? Because no one can top them!
Thank you.
Dad Joke Calendar, 6 Mar:
Q: Why did no one take the bus to school?
A: It wouldn't fit through the door.
I'm ashamed to admit, I look forward to these everyday.
Son tries dad joke and it backfires horribly...
Ouch...
From the Laughs and Groan Dad Jokes app:
I tried to take some high resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out a bit grainy.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look sexy?
Put a nipple on it.
From the Laughs and Groan Dad Jokes app:
Why is it that Dracula has no friends?
Answer: Because he is such a pain in the neck.
Dad Joke Calendar, 7/8 March:
I worked out so hard, the police put me in jail. I was charged with resisting a rest.
Dad Joke Calendar, 9 March:
Q: To what dog do other dogs tell their problems?
A: A complaint Bernard!
I saw an interview with the excellent farmer.
He was outstanding in his field.
This isn't a "dad joke," per say, just the wittiest thing I've ever heard come from my dad.
My sister, who is 3.5yrs older than me, played some travel softball growing up. One of her teammates on that team at the time looked damn near identical to one of her friends back home. As the teammate walks by us, I, at like 11-12yrs old, look at my dad and say "man, she looks exactly like Molly (the friend from back home)."
Dad: "Wow, yes she does."
Teammate: *hears us say that and whips around* "Who's Molly?"
Dad: without cracking a smile or missing a damn beat "Ah, just an old dog we used to have."
That's been nearly 20yrs ago and I can still see the look on her face and how hard I laughed at that.
not a dad joke, but hilarious and will definitely become a regular response here on TKP:
Dad Joke Calendar, 10 March:
Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.
Ok. So this was the conversation I had with HokieEnginerd today....
There is a cow pasture a couple of miles from our house (far enough away that we don't usually think about it being there unless we are driving by it). It also happens to be rather windy today... which happens to make the pasture noticeable.
Me:The cows are ripe today
HE: I guess it is time to pick them soon.
Well...the cows were breaking wind.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but,
You can't pick your friend's cows.
Knock, knock.
Hoos there?
Oh God, don't open the door to let any Hoos in.
From the Laughs and Groan Dad Jokes app:
Did you know that crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet? But most just have 4.
Dad Joke Calendar, 11 March:
Q: What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A: A synonym roll.
Dad Joke Calendar, 12 March:
My wife gets made at me for hiding kitchen utensils. But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
"Smiles" because the is a mile between the two S's.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What is large, grey, and doesn't matter?
Answer: An irrelephant
From my daughter:
What do call a fake noodle?
Answer: An im-pasta!
What do you get when you cross-breed a rhinoceros with an elephant?
Elephino...
Dad Joke Calendar, 13 March:
As a lawyer, the number of wrongful convictions shouldn't surprise me. After all, it's just trial and error.
Don't worry, I'll take my Dad Joke Calendar home so I can keep you entertained while I'm teleworking. ;^)
From my brother:
I was told that we should expect that in about 9 months there will be a mini baby boom.
.....
and then about thirteen years from then those children will enter their "quaranteens".
Sorry for the delay, I didn't work yesterday, so I didn't pull out the Dad Joke Calendar from my bag (which I took home, you're welcome).
Dad Joke Calendar, 14/15 March:
"Dad, you put your shoes on the wrong feet!"
"But they're the only feet I have!"
Dad Joke Calendar, 16 March:
Q: What did the cocktail say to the swizzle stick?
A: "You stir something inside me."
Dad Joke Calendar, 17 March:
Ireland's capital is the fastest growing city. Every year it's Dublin.
The Ireland one brings back good memories. When I first became a Dad, it was my father in law who initiated me into the world of Dad jokes since my dad has about a half ounce of sense of humor.
My father in laws first dad joke that I recall?
"Did you know that Dublin, VA is the fastest growing town in the country?
Yeah, because it's Dublin everyday!"
At the time, I didn't realize how quickly I'd go from eye roll to connoisseur of the dad joke, making my own three kids' eyes roll. Life comes at you fast...
How do you know when you're in the presence of a sick undertaker?
The coffin.
It's a dead giveaway.
That just made me smile and groan inwardly.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've already lost three days.
Dad Joke Calendar, 18 March:
I hate negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them
I'm really worried about my French Press. It's depressed every time I see it.
From a friend:
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An In-Vest-a-Gator!
Well, you know it's a dad jokes thread when the jokes start getting repeated.
the first rule of dad jokes is the more you make the joke, the funnier it becomes. It's science
Dad Joke Calendar, 19 March:
Q: What's an easy way to double your money?
A: Hold it in front of a mirror.
Dad Joke Calendar, 20 March:
I was carrying a nine-foot book the other day, and a woman asked me what I was doing. I said, "Oh, it's a long story."
Me: what?
Wife: you're being snippy
Me: you're the one that needs to cut it out
Wife: *blank stare*
Me: snip-o-saurus rex over here
Wife: *blank stare*
Me: okay, i'll just hit that joke with a comet, and let it go extinct
Here's a really bad joke of mine that had my wife and me in stitches years ago.
What does guacamole and Holy Moley have in common?
They have mole.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I went on date last night with a girl who works at the zoo.
It was great.
She is a keeper.
Dad Joke Calendar, 21/22 March:
Did you hear about the buffalo that is two hundred years old? It just celebrated its bison-tennial.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What is the worst part of being a cross-eyed teacher?
Answer: The inability to control you pupils.
Dad Joke Calendar, 23 March:
I think I have bad posture, but it's just a hunch.
This ones an oldie.
When I told my friends and family I was going to do Stand Up Comedy, they all laughed. After 19 shows, no one's laughing now.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Answer: Lack of concentration
No one in Antartica has corona virus.
They have been in Ice-o-lation.
I haven't read through all of these so sorry if this is a repeat.
Dad: During the the coronavirus crisis we all need to stafe, so during the lockdown I will only be telling inside jokes.
Dad Joke Calendar, 24 March:
Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafè!
The worst Dad joke ever which I heard every time we drove with my dad past Pulaski VA was how Pulaski got its name.
It started with " Do y'all know how Pulaski got its name? Well it started with this farmers horse named Laski...."
And if you never heard the rest of the joke consider yourself lucky!
Oh, I suffered that one many many times.
I have heard it being pronounced, "Poor-lash- ski."
Dad Joke Calendar, 25 March:
I hate insect puns. They bug the heck out of me.
(And I'm still waiting for the punchline of the Pulaski joke above.)
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What do you call a careful wolf?
Answer: Aware wolf [ werewolf ]
What happens if the world runs out of toilet paper?
Depends
Dad Joke Calendar, 26 March:
Q: Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
A: Because if it lifted up both legs, it would fall over.
A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a dozen bees.
The worker at the counter takes out a jar, counts out 13 bees....
The man stops her and says "But that's one too many."
The worker says "It's ok. It's a freebie."
Dad Joke Calendar, 27 March:
For years, I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden. When I asked her about it, she just shrugged. The plot thickens.
Warning, this news flash just in:
Panic buying of sausages and cheese sweeps Berlin, Munich and Cologne!
Germans said to be preparing for the wurst-case scenario.
Dad Joke Calendar, 28/29 March:
Q: What's the worst drink for a soccer player?
A: Penaltea.
Dad Joke Calendar, 30 March:
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it. It was a cider attack.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
You can't say that you run through the camp site. You can only say "ran" because it is past tents.
Dad Joke Calendar, 31 March:
Q: Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
A: It drove pasta stop sign.
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
Because someone told him to "get along little doggie".
🤣
Dad Joke Calendar, 1 April:
I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he laughs.
Not a new joke, but the reaction is great.
Dad Joke Calendar, 2 April:
Q: What's the most evil chord?
A: D min
blind man reading a horror book: "I know this girl is about to be murdered. I can feel it."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What is the best way to carve?
Answer: Whittle by whittle
I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me...
The second one didn't!
Thank you sir. Might be the funniest one on this thread.
A Greek mathematician visited a Native American village. He was introduced to the chief who showed him his three wives: a 300 lb woman clothed in hippopotamus skin, a 160lb woman in an buffalo pelt, and a 140lb woman dressed in an elk fur dress.
When he got back, someone asked him, "Pythagoras, what did you learn?"
He replied, "The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides."
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What do you call a fat psychic?
Answer: A four-chin teller, of course
.................................................
From my niece:
Why was the fraction apprehensive about marring the decimal?
Answer: Because he would have to convert.
Been lazy, so catching up...
Dad Joke Calendar, 3 April:
I ordered a book about puns last week, but I didn't get it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 4/5 April:
Q: What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A: You would think "R", but it's actually the "C".
Dad Joke Calendar, 6 April:
My friend genetically modifies salad. She is a rocket scientist. (I didn't get this one.)
In the UK, and elsewhere, rockets are arugala
Have you ever been in a car traveling down the road and you notice crows pecking at a dead animal? And, as you get closer to the dead animal, the crows all fly off? Ever wonder why that happens?
...
...
...
There's another crow up in a tree yelling "Car!, car!, car!"
Dad Joke Calendar, 7 April:
Q: What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
A: I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Dad Joke Calendar, 8 April:
Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
Are garbagemen attracted to trashy girls?
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What kind of music do balloons hate?
Answer: Pop music
Went to the library a while back.
Me: where are your books about turtles?
Librarian: hard back?
Me: yes, with little heads
Dad Joke Calendar, 9 April:
Q: What pastry wanted to rule the world?
A: Attila the Bun.
From my 7 yr old moments ago (at family lunch)
7: Knock, Knock
Me: Who's there?
7: Giraffe
Me: Giraffe Who
7: Giraffe anything to eat around here
An oldie; but always good for a groan.
A Greek mathematician visited a Native American village. He was introduced to the chief who showed him his three wives: a 300 lb woman clothed in hippopotamus skin, a 160lb woman in an buffalo pelt, and a 140lb woman dressed in an elk fur dress.
When he got back, someone asked him, "Pythagoras, what did you learn?"
He replied, "The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides."
Drink!
I may have to drink twice. Now that I consider things, I may have stolen that from this thread to send to my kids.
Considering I couldn't remember the wording exactly so I made most of that up, you definitely took it from this page...
Dad Joke Calendar, 10 April:
I was really upset after my friend broke my favorite pen. He said, "Don't worry, I'll make this write!"
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I couldn't get a reservation at the library.
They were completely booked.
It's only a murder of crows if there is probably caws.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?
So they could Scandinavian.
Dad Joke Calendar, 11/12 April:
"Dad, how do you feel about going on a holiday cruise?"
"Great, we can start at Christmas Island and go to Easter Island."
Dad Joke Calendar, 13 April:
I'm having trouble organizing a hide-and-seek league. Good players are hard to find.
Walked over to my neighbor and he has a pair of donkey that came running up to me.
I thought to myself, "Man, what a pair of asses."
Did you hear abut the guy who followed his financial advisor advice and sold all of his mutual funds to buy statutes of sitting donkeys. When asked why, he explained he thought it was important to have solid ass sits in these troubled times.
No one to blame but myself for that one.
Assets.
Dad Joke Calendar, 14 April:
Q: What process is a house in if it is trying to be the same inside?'
A: Homeostasis.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back
Glad someone is finding some
Dad Joke Calendar, 15 April:
A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me, so I asked him to leave me a loan.
I've started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable ... one day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Dad Joke Calendar, 16 April:
Q: What do you call a cow that fell into a hole?
A: A holey cow!
Post-Easter egg jokes.
Why is Easter a dangerous time for investors?
People put all of their eggs in one basket.
Extrapolated from another thread where I noted something could be adjusted to fit the dad joke one.
What do you call an egg that's past its expiration date?
A chicken.
You misspelled eggspiration.
imagine your eggs hit their expiration date and then there's a ruckus in your frigerator because there's several chickens in it?????
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: "What are you doing?"
He said: "Working from home."
Dad Joke Calendar, 17 April:
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrot?
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and finely dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Dad Joke Calendar, 18/19 April:
"Dad, why do scuba divers roll backward off boats?"
"Because if they rolled forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Dad Joke Calendar, 20 April:
Q: When does a car stop being a car?
A: When it turns into a driveway.
Dad Joke Calendar, 21 April:
My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults." He was a good man, but a terrible geologist.
Well, I have enjoyed this, but I sense that the idea has run/is running out of steam. Others are welcome to continue but I will close with the following post [unless I come across a really, REALLY good Dad Joke]:
Dadosaurus
This dad has several scene variations which are all hilarious. It does not fall into the embarrass-your-kids kind of joke, but I do think it fits the overall idea.
It's mr peepers from snl
I don't know, as long as people are enjoying it, why shut it down? Anyways.....
Dad Joke Calendar, 22 Apr:
Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log on.
I am fine with others continuing ; I did say
. I just felt like it was becoming a bit like the 40+ year old bachelor hanging around young singles group at church. Not being a creepy but hanging on when he should just acknowledge I was time to move on. *
I continue to enjoy the comments / contributions; keep them coming if you wish.
* A reflection of my real life experience. I moved on and a few years later found my bride.
I send one of these to my daughters every weekday. They are 38 and 35; and they have admitted stealing them to tell their kids.
Anyway, I get 3 or 4 upvotes for each joke. At that rate, I can make the first page of the turkey leg board in 6.5 years.
Go for it!
ok. I'll keep playing.
Dad Joke Calendar, 23 April:
I was accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
Dad Joke Calendar, 24 April:
Q: Do robots have sisters?
A: No, just transistors!
sounds like they used to have brothers...
Was thinking the same thing.
Why is phonics not spelled the way it is pronounced?
Dad Joke Calendar, 25/26 April:
Did you hear about the guy who was fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Dad Joke Calendar, 27 April:
Q: What city cheats during exams?
A: Peking.
Dad Joke Calendar, 28 April:
Did you see the horse that could balance a corncob on its head? It was some unique corn.
Imma just gonna go ahead and say that one is a little too forced.
Yeah, it was pretty bad.
Yeah - I don't think that is what is meant by "A good Dad Joke is a little corny."
I stole this from the internet:
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It just shits (poops for it to be a real dad joke) on the floor.
Kinetic disassembly... LOL...
Reminded me of my time as an Electronic Technician where we had a barcode taped over "Machine Maintenance" to "Something Blew Up."
Dad Joke Calendar, 29 April:
"Dad, do you know any jokes about sodium?"
"Na."
I'm never sure if I actually have free time or I'm just forgetting everything I have to do.
Dad Joke Calendar, 30 April:
Q: How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?
A: Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
How do you get an 80 yr old woman to yell "Shit"?
Get another 80 yr old woman to yell "Bingo"!
Where was the toothbrush invented???
West Virginia. If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called the teethbrush.
Dad Joke Calendar, 1 May:
"Dad, your glass of juice is empty. Do you want another one?"
"Why would I want two empty glasses?"
Ok, I said I was done, but my son sent this to me:
"Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle - it was an ether / oar situation."
My wife panicked for a moment thinking he had had surgery and didn't tell us, then she thought, "Oh, yeah. He is his father's son."
Dad Joke Calendar, 2/3 May:
Never trust someone with graph paper. They're always plotting something.
Dad Joke Calendar, 4 May:
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: It was feeling crumb-y!
Slightly NSFW but an oldy and a goody.
"What did one saggy boob say to the other?"
.
.
"We'd better perk up before people think we're nuts!"
A lady said she had the old dresser disease. Perplexed, I asked her what she meant. She looked at me in the eyes and said, "My chest fell in my drawer."
Dad Joke Calendar, 5 May:
The only thing that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
In honor of May the 4th being yesterday:
What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?
Luke warm.
A hundred years ago, only the rich had cars and everyone else rode horses.
Today, only the rich can afford to ride horses. My, how the stables have turned!
Dad Joke Calendar, 6 May:
Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Explanation.
Why is Bob Hope wearing such frilly clothes?
Dad Joke Calendar, 7 May:
Did you hear about the truck driver who got a flat tire? It was a wheelie bad time.
Posting this here for VT_Fencer - although I'm sure you've seen it
Dad Joke Calendar, 8 May:
Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them.
What's the difference between a dirty greyhound terminal and a crab with big knockers?
One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
this is one of my all time favorites
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
How do you make a hankie dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 9/10 May:
I had to make all these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes:
I got an "A" on my origami project when I turned my paper into my teacher.
I am ashamed to admit it took me almost 2 weeks to get it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 11 May:
Q: What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
A: The teacher tends to Babylon.
Dad Joke Calendar, 12 May:
Q: When a duck goes shopping, does it pay cash or check?
A: Neither. They put it on the bill.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I was in my library earlier today when a book fell on my head. I guess I only have my shelf to blame.
I don't think you grasped the entirety of the gravity of that situation.
Am I the only one who read the first part of that in Coolio's voice?
Elon Musk named his son "X Æ A-12", which, believe it or not is pronounced "KEV-in"
Dad Joke Calendar, 13 May:
My son just threw a milk carton at me. How dairy?
Dad Joke Calendar, 14 May:
Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas.
i always heard that the answer was "Idaho. Alaska."
What? Don't Juneau?
Had always heard as "What did tennesee? He saw what Arkansas" followed by "What did Delaware? She wore her New Jersey".
ABCD goldfish? LMNO goldfish. OSDR, ICMPN.
I have no idea what this means.
What do you expect from a 60 year old "alphabet" joke? We laughed at it when we were wee lads, though.
My dad and my grandfather used to tell this joke all the time. Thanks for the trip down the memory lane!
Dad Joke Calendar, 15 May:
Burgers always laugh when they are around pickles. They're probably picklish.
It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aid in for repair...
I've heard nothing since.
Why do people always need a lawyer to interpret a will?
It's always a dead give away.
I need to get a new butt
Mine has a cracked in it.
Dad Joke Calendar, 16/17 May:
Q: Why did the dog jump into the sea?
A: He wanted to chase the catfish.
Dad Joke Calendar, 18 May:
"Dad, are you all right?"
"No, I'm half left and half right."
I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past X.
I don't know why.
"Why? Because we like you."
I love to tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
Go up about 1 month, 2 days
👆
I hate you. I heard that today and had a giggle.
Still makes me laugh.
Dad Joke Calendar, 19 May:
Q: Why can't gladiators cry?
A: Because they're never sad.
He sure was gladiator.
You know what, she was too.
A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"
"How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks.
"Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."
From my wife:
Do you know where Captain Hook got his hook from?
From the second-hand store, obviously
Dad Joke Calendar, 20 May:
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Somebody told me it was actually because they cut the cheese first.
I hope this rain keeps up.
Then it won't come down.
Dad Joke Calendar, 21 May:
Q: What followed the dinosaur?
A: Its tail!
"I stand corrected!"
... Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Dad Joke Calendar, 22 May:
You never see penguins in Great Britain because they're afraid of Wales.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Drink. ;^)
clicky
Dad Joke Calendar, 23/24 May:
Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Keep it waiting.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
Dad Joke Calendar, 25 May:
Did you hear about the English professor who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
Dad Joke Calendar, 26 May:
Q: What does a baby computer call its father?
A: Data.
Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..
Dad Joke Calendar, 27 May:
You can't run through a campsite. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I would tell you all my favorite quarantine jokes but i don't think anyone here would get them since they're all inside jokes
edit: dag nabbit i'm two months late on this one glug glug
Kinda makes it funnier.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
Dad Joke Calendar, 28 May:
Q: What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
A: A steak-out!
Dad Joke Calendar, 29 May:
My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday. It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.
But I love it
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Don't buy flowers at a monastery because only you can prevent florist friars.
Dad Joke Calendar, 30/31 May:
Q: What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?
A: It finds the nearest skyscraper.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why did the teddy bear say "no" to the offer of dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Dad Joke Calendar, 1 June:
Did you hear about the doughnut maker retiring? He was fed up with the hole business.
Dad Joke Calendar, 2 June:
"Dad, I'm cold."
"Go stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees."
(I'll be honest, after the first line, I expected, "Hi, Cold. I'm Dad.")
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
Why does the pencil point the way?
It has the lead.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
Dad Joke Calendar, 3 June:
Q: If you went to a concert that costs 45 cents, who would play?
A: 50 Cent and Nickelback.
And you still wouldn't have gotten your money's worth.
Boy, it sure is windy today. I guess it's because it is Windsday.
Woke up thirsty this morning and realized it is Thirstday.
Dad Joke Calendar, 4 June:
I've spent twenty years performing maintenance on limos, but I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
That is some mighty redneck engineering right there.
Adapted rom the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
The Swiss must have been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a bottle opener and a cork screw into their Army knife.
Dad Joke Calendar, 5 June:
Q: What state does the most laundry?
A: Washington.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
Dad Joke Calendar, 6/7 June:
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I made playlist for hiking, It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app (COVID-19 appropriate?):
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The Judge asks, "First offender?"
She says, "No, sir. First a Gibson, then a Fender."
I laughed way too hard at this until I realized the Gibson went first. He could have Fender off.
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.
Dad Joke Calendar, 8 June:
Q: How do billboards communicate?
A: Sign language.
Dad Joke Calendar, 9 June:
Did you hear about the riots on Mars? The government declared Martian law.
Note: This calendar had to have been produced some time in 2019, so any resemblance to current events is strictly coincidental.
What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?
58
Good one.
Star Wars version:
Is BB hungry?
No...BB-8
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why do bears have hairy coats?
Fur (for) protection
What track team does T-rex run for?
Ty-ran-a-saur-us.
Dad Joke Calendar, 10 June:
Q: What's the best way to catch a fish?
A: Have someone throw it to you.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What did the Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
Lil Caesars
Dad Joke Calendar, 11 June:
Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T-Rex would never be good in sports. He would eat the competitors and his arms are too short to catch anything.
Or a variation:
T-Rex would never be good in sports. He his arms are too short to catch anything and he would cost the team many penalties for eating the competition.
Another variant...
T-Rex would never be good at sports because he is extinct.
Dinosaurs once had an elite team. They were know as raptors response team.
Dad Joke Calendar, 12 June:
Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake.
Beer
Volcanos of them.
P.S. I gotta find this game!
Oh, I like the factory.
At least one dad is providing tips for mowing the lawn on a cloud in heaven
Dad Joke Calendar, 13/14 June:
"Dad, your jokes are so bad, it's like punishment."
"You mean PUNishment?"
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I would like to start a diet but I have too much on my plate right now.
Oh gosh...that sucks even in a dual monitor set up.
Wait, this isn't a joke, this is truth.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
A foul smell
NO, NO, NO!
Get that right, it is "A fowl smell!"
Dad Joke Calendar, 15 June:
Q: What is an owl's favorite TV show?
A: Doctor Who.
Dad Joke Calendar, 16 June:
Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
I'm diene of laughter over here!
There is a fine line between saying too much and saying too little.
I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus.
Ralph was towing his boat home from a fishing trip in Jamaica Bay when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."
A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."
"I-95, two miles south of Cranston."
After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
Dad Joke Calendar, 17 June:
Q: Why can't the bank manager ride a bike anymore?
A: He lost his balance.
I'd like the thank all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I have just written as song about a tortilla, Well it is more of a (w)rap really.
Why wouldn't the poppy seed leave the casino?
He was on a roll.
Dad Joke Calendar, 18 June:
Did you hear about the man who misspelled a name on a headstone? He made a grave mistake.
Dad Joke Calendar, Juneteenth:
Q: What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?
A: Bicycle petals!
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Who ever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.
Too many to look at them all, so if you've already heard this, I'll drink....
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar and a half, deer nuts are under a buck.
Beer nuts sure are cheap.
But deer nuts? Now those things can
Be hard to handle.
Those that look for deer nuts have told me they watch for horny deer.
Not really, since about the only male deer we're likely to encounter will be lying dead at our feet and you will end up handling his nuts at some point to relieve him of his hide.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Why was Santa's little helper so depressed?
Low elf esteem
Dad Joke Calendar, 20/21 June:
Libraries are just too strict. They always go by the books.
Heard this from my father in law last night...
If pigs are so smart, why did 66% of them used inferior building materials?
Dad jokes, Father's Day edition.
Son: Dad, what does it cost to get married?
Dad: I don't know, I'm still paying for it.
My dad drinks brake fluid. He says it's okay because he can stop any time.
Dad Joke Calendar, 22 June:
Q: What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic?
A: Tut and Car Man.
Dad Joke Calendar, 23 June:
Florida is a really easy place to move to because it has a lot of keys.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Did you hear about the farmer that had 297 cattle? Well, when he rounded them up he discovered he had 300. [edited for grammar and to make the punch line clear.]
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it.
Take your damn leg, you magnificent, trolling bastard.
With the shortage of sports to broadcast, one network decided to carry the world origami championship.
It will be on paperview.
Unfortunately, no one watched and the network folded.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
I used to be addicted to the Hokie-pokey but I turned myself around.
Dad Joke Calendar, 24 June:
Q: How do you tune a fish?
A: With its scales!
Dad Joke Calendar, 25 June:
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
But the pick was earth shattering.
Dad Joke Calendar, 26 June:
Q: How do bartenders surf the web?
A: On the ginternet.
(Yes, this one was especially bad.)
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
What do you call a girl between two posts?
Answer: Annette
Maybe it should have been:
What do you call a French girl between to two Poles?
Answer: Annette
Dad Joke Calendar, 27/28 June:
I try to be cheesy when I make jokes, but everyone I know is laughtose intolerant.
Everyone knows that alcohol and calculus don't mix, so don't drink and derive.
Dad Joke Calendar, 29 June:
Q: Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!
Dad Joke Calendar, 30 June:
6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down.
From the Laughs and Groans Dad Jokes app:
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
Answer: the "hip" doctor