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Nice work!

Boykin definitely wasn't very good with his hands starting out. He developed, and developed well, but I still think Coale was the better WR. It's the slimmest of margins though.

Today we mourn the loss of the Virginia football program

Nothing was lost. No one even cared. Well. We were pretty happy.

a program that brought joy to so many

What joy? And to hoo?

but whose life tragically dwindled away this fall

It was not tragic and there never was any life.

The football program was 125 years old, born in 1888. It perished Saturday evening, Nov. 30, at Scott Stadium in its lifelong hometown of Charlottesville, Va.

Simple, straightforward. You got off to a rocky start, but you're doing a little better now.

the Virginia football program helped develop countless young men into superior football players

Any good football players who went to Virginia were good before they got there and then put the team on their back. Any development they did was on their own terms.

It also took great pride in the classroom achievements of its players

And never shut up about it since.

the program was never a powerhouse

You can say that again.

the program was never a powerhouse

Thanks.

but it posted its share of highlights

As in two, count them, two shared ACC championships.

Its fondest gridiron memory in recent years was a 2011 win at Florida State, 14-13

You beat a 7-4 opponent by a point and that's your fondest memory? Know what my fondest memory was. That time we went 38-0 bro. Now shut the hell up.

The program also loved quieter, more intellectual pursuits...

Our program enjoys long walks on Virginia Beach for that good 'ol 757 tallent and hitting programs that say they love quieter, more intellectual pursuits right in the Argyle. This sentence couldn't possibly get any worse...

...and could often be found reading in the MacGregor Room or wandering Grounds deep in contemplation.

I stand corrected. Just what was the program contemplating? Never showing its face in Lane Stadium again? I would contemplate that too if I watched my in state rival extend the gap in our series from six games to sixteen under the guidance of Frank Beamer.

The programs last year of life was a troubled one.

Okay. You're getting back to making some sense here.

Friends and supporters...

All three of them.

In the last few months, the program struggled with offensive difficulties and flaws in its coaching system that would ultimately lead to its demise.

It's not really a demise if you were never good.

Coach Mike London, though his intentions were never sinister, was, in the end, the cause of death for the program.

The program was DOA.

In his four years with the squad, he proved passionate and deeply loyal to the program, but, unfortunately, unable to care for such a fragile being.

Perhaps your problem is what a fragile being your program was? Maybe it could try sacking up for a change?

The program is succeeded by London

You literally just said he was the problem.

It is also succeeded by new members and 5-star recruits Andrew Brown and Quin Blanding, as well as a wealth of underclassmen

Who will all band together to lose to our 3 and 4 star recruits, as well as a wealth of underclassmen.

Though Brown and Blanding were too young to know the program in its glory days

All 9 glory days.

they, with their teammates, will nonetheless try to do right by its legacy.

SWEET!!! TEN MORE YEARS! TEN MORE YEARS! TEN MORE YEARS!

The service was held at Scott Stadium

And we danced on the grave, dug up the body, tore out the heart, and stuffed it in our lunch pail.

Afterward, mourners reconvened at The Virginian.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Reginald Oswalt, and Martha Cummings.

Friends and longtime supporters gathered around glasses of Evan Williams

No they didn't. Bourbon is our thing. Wine and Zima is your thing. It's okay. You don't have to pretend to be us.

the programs old favorite

OI! What did I just say?

and reminisced about good times: rushing the field after beating Miami, Jake McGees iconic catch against Penn State, and driving hours down I-85 for the 2011 Chick-fil-A Bowl.

I must have given you guys too much credit on how many glory days you had earlier. By my count this is 3 good times. Also, you're really going to call a catch in a game you won by one point against a severly hamstringed Penn State team iconic? Also, as I recall you guys got your asses handed to you by Auburn at the Chick-fil-A Bowl. I'm not bothering to look up the third good time, but I'm going to assume it was just as meaningless as these other two. By my count that leaves zero good times.

London was not on hand to offer an apology, but sent his condolences through defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta.

Okay you're turning things back around here. Let's see where you're going.

Tenuta received a warm welcome for his heroic efforts to salvage the program in its final, desperate moments.

How desperate was it really though? We've already established that what you were trying to save was a long drive to the chicken sammich bowl to lose to a team that you were severely outmatched by.

The loss of the Virginia football program...

Whatever you do, do not try to say this was much of a loss.

...is a great blow...

Okay, but don't try to say that more than just a handful of people cared.

...to so many...

You're really bad at this.

...who have called Charlottesville home.

Been to Charlottesville. Seen plenty of Hokie gear around. There's a reason we call your stadium "Lane North"

Yet, after all the bitter tears shed...

Sweet.

...and hands wrung about the demise of a program so many had cared for...

I don't think "so many" means what you think it means.

...it is imperative to remain hopeful.

Otherwise, how will the Hokies crush the hopes of the UVa football team?

August 2014 approaches, offering the chance for a new kind of program to emerge from the ashes.

I can't wait for a new kind of terrible to rise from the ashes.

We cannot dwell on the past...

Good call.

...but must instead look fondly at days past...

Wait, what?

and keep them with us as we move forward.

Allright. Um... What? Hold on... Maybe I should restructure this sentence and analyze it in it's original form...

We cannot dwell on the past, but must instead look fondly at days past, and keep them with us as we move forward.

Nope. This still makes no damn sense. Let me paraphrase what you just said for you: "We cannot dwell on the past, but must instead dwell on the past, and dwell on the pasts as we move forward."

Thomas Jefferson once wrote...

HERE WE GO!

My theory has always been that if we are to dream, the flatteries of hope are as cheap, and pleasanter, than the gloom of despair.

Nicely done mister Jefferson. I would interpret this as meaning that it is easier to have hope for the future, and not worth the self effacing nature of despair.

And so, in the face of death, we must despair...

I will grant, it is possible to read this quote this way, but I feel like you have to ignore the part where he talks about dreams.

but find hope for years to come.

Again, the Hokies need something to crush.

Of course, if thats not good enough, the Alumni Association can always just raise $8.06 million and get Mike London out of Charlottesville.

Here is your call to action Reginald. This is your time Benedict. Get out your pocketbook Martha.

Go Hoos.

No.

Central Jersey represent. Hometown awww yeaaaaahhhhh

For a second I thought this meant the Washington Redskins and I really didn't know how or what to feel

Excellent recovery! However, I find it hard to believe that Stanford has produced anything as nice as the exhibit above.

I heard the new president was coming from Port Chester University

WE'RE NOT GONNA PROTEST

But actually, that sounds awesome. I wish I had a motorcycle license. And a motorcycle.

Lol

Agreed. Gotta love a guy who plays and practices like he's got something to prove.

Just a bunch of BS. He "interviewed" for USC job, and didn't take it be cause of mutual interest. Why would he take this job?

I think I've seen fellow TKPers say he's enrolling in January if I'm not mistaken.